need some help on this

Long story short, my husband has ptsd badly from the two wars he was in. He gets so depressed sometimes, and me myself having depression. I get it. But he also drinks a whole lot, not that much but on occasion he gets pretty drunk, and mutters about how terrible he is, how I dont deserve someone so bad as him. and then he blew the lid off my brain tonight, by telling me that his liver and lungs are bad, and that the doctor doesnt think he will live past 35 which I think is bs. bc I was told your liver could heal. He smokes and he drinks, but he is the nicest guy I know. I just need advice on helping him quit smoking and drinking. I know how hard it is to be addicted to comfort, I was an heroin addict, but I feel like an baby about this. I am so scared of losing him all the time, and I havent felt this happy and in love ever! I just want to help him get better. I know some of you old timers, or older hippies, might have some good ole wisdom and advice to give to me. so here I am asking with an good heart and good intentions. so PLease help an young one out. thank you.

 

well I'm not an old hippie but ill throw in my .02 cents. To quit drinking a large dose of ketamine definitely helped me curtail my drinking and I guess AA helps a little bit in that you get to sit around and talk with other people with the same problem but I don't care for some of the religious aspects of AA and they also try to push you to go to other events too, which I didn't like. Yah 300 Mg dose of ketamine can be pretty powerful but I'm not sure your husband is into trying those types of drugs. Also ketamine comes with its own set of demons if one isn't careful. The thought of drinking after strong k doses made me ill though. As far as smoking, can't really help you there besides mention there is nicorette gum and the patch and stuff if he hasn't tried.

 

MDMA has also been shown to be effective with ptsd but you probably would need some guidance to have it be used as such lest you get swept up in euphoria and the therapy session turns into a rave party.

 

He's a soldier? What age is he now?

 

he is only 24! and in the marines and thanks guerilla, I wish he could do k or mdma, but alas he cant for another 2 years. I am just so dang worried about him right now I can not even sleep. he has already tried the nicotine patch and the pills even. I am just at a loss to help him.

 

you should let him be hun, he young, and if hes in iraq, likely be chewing, smoking, coffee, alcohol.. there are little other vices.. when he babbles listen, agree with him even if you dont (if he drunk he will not remember) let him say hes sorry, when you kill people, you dip to saying sorry to women kind (my own observations saying sorry to women i didnt even know.. for taking human life... women are mother figures.. you should just let it be.. nicotine soothes aggression..

 

Tell him quietly (when he's sober) that your worry over him is making you physically ill (which it is). Don't demand an immediate response from him, just let him know.

Give it a few days, maybe a week - then come back to this thread and tell us what has developed (if you want to).

 

thanks orison. I am trying, he is not over there right now. but the damage is done, with his body and his mind. and it makes me very sad. I am not pushy. I dont push the change on him. I just worry, and I have told him before it is making me ill, but it hasnt gotten to him yet. I am going to try to make this better, bc his body can not handle this alcohol and nicotine.

 

my brothers PTSD disability was at 70% i thnk.. he was an alcoholic for a while and would have these black outs and forget everything going on, freak shit, break stuff, hurt people. he did not really want medication but he felt he needed it, and when he was on it it didn't really help. i had to dose him psychedelics 2 times heavy trips to help him erase most of his .. i don't know exactly, but post trauma i guess. he still has it, but it is only about 30-40% now. he smokes weed for his anexiety and has been a lot more calm and "happy", though one time we were drunk and wrestling and he started to attack me and bite me and got in war mode until i pointed it out

my brother's old battle buddy is 100% disabled from PTSD, goes to the VA, is on medication, and is still 100% and getting worse. but on the other hand, he is more 'content' gonig. have you thought of doing this? this guy is at the level where he gets the visual flashbacks throughout the day and sees dead people and shit. i would never dose him.
what confuses me is that if it is that bad he should not be serving still, if he goes to the VA now he can get discharged or something and not be at risk to keep getting sent over... and gettingworse..



good luck though dude it is a totally hard thing to go through and i hope he is able to regain some life back

 

thank you raz, for your very insightful. post. his ptsd I would say is about 50% . and some days it is so bad, I just wonder what I amd oign wrong to trigger him like this. I want to help, I have offered him to go talk to someoen but of course that is not something he would do. so he just talks to me, but mostly as you said flashbacks, mostly trying to hurt himself. and I have called mental health crisis on him, once. and I am just trying to make things better. It isnt easy. as you know, and the most hard part is watching him drown it in alcohol which only makes it worse. I think I just need to keep encouraging him to seek counseling. or at the most, talk to me about it, and I wish to god, he can get out of the military soon. bc he hates it, and it only makes things worse. He is non-deployable finally, but they still make it shit for him at work right now, so it only makes things worse.

 

Just be there for him, let him know you love him and care about him.
Im guessing the drinking stems from the PTSD.
My bf has serious anxiety, not the same, but similar. He's had it for years and for years Ive tried to get him to get help. He wouldn't even acknowledge something was wrong for the longest time. Finally (in the last 2 months) things got bad enough to where he got help, but it's still bad. I wanted to tie him up and drag him to a Dr, but it wouldn't have done any good.
I think mental issues are almost like drug/alcohol addiction in the no matter what anyone else dose nothing is going to change unless that person wants it to. Im sure when you were deep in heroin addition, if someone forced you to get clean, you would have went rite back out (thats how it was with me) It's the same with alcohol, and mental issues.

Dont be forceful about anything, it will probably just cause him more stress. Be there for him, let him talk to you (my bf says thats the biggest help for him) Remind him, gently, every now and then that there is help and you will do whatever you can.
Tell yourself that this isnt your fault. I know how hard it is, I would take everything personally and it would weight me down so much. Dont let this ruin you. When things are getting bad take time for yourself, do things that make you happy. I used to be with my bf almost 24/7, but as things have gotten worse Ive had to take at least a few hours a week by myself to do something for me so I can keep my sanity. There is always people on here to talk to, and a ton of support groups.

 

:grouphug: For you and your family.

My first concern is also for you. You have to be ok in order to help him. If it is too much you have to find a way in you to release also. Be that you take a walk, a mental time out or what ever is going to work so that you are able to cope. You can only support if you are in a good place.

Know that what he does, he can not help. We send our people somewhere and ask them to do what no person should have to do and live with it. Then we do not as a collective want to even acknowledge how it can change someone. My heart goes out to you both.

You can not lead him where he is not ready to go. You can support and be there for him. Encourage, listen and when needed cry with him. Ask him to look after himself and support where he is in that. With that though comes a time where you are possibly going to have to have it be an issue, in that if he can not or will not help himself, you may have to force the issue. The reason is that in the end this does not only have a bearing on him but also your whole family.

How you approach that is going to have to be tailored to fit who he is and who you are. I do not personally believe in ultimatums as they do not work in the long term, they only cause conflict down the road.

From other posts, this man seems to be a caring and wonderful person and someone who is good to you and the children. That is the key to getting him to help himself. It will take time but anything in a relationship does.

I know you would not of picked someone who is not a great person, so remember that when working through this.

 

Honey, he needs professional help asap, and so do you if you're going to continue living with him.

You say he's still in the military? Then he needs to do this now, while all his medical bills are taken care of.

You should also be aware that almost no one can beat alcoholism by themselves. He needs professional help. And life can be a living hell for those who live with an alcoholic or addict. I'm not suggesting you leave, only that you should know what you're in for.

The best of luck to you.

 

thanks pony, heat and granny!!

Your posts were very comforting. and upfront.
I am just sad this morning, waking up and him not remembering last night. Hurt me badly. bc he had such an hard time. shoudl I tell him what happened? Or should I just leave it be? i am not sure. I dont want to make him stressed and depressed. so I am not sure what to do. Right now I keep lightly encouraging him to get help. but like you both said he has to want it, and I dont think he does yet. : (
He is an good man heat, very good man, buthe has problems and I am not going to leave him bc he has them, so I am sure we can work through them. <3

 

You need to tell him if he does not remember. Remember though sometimes the truth and acceptance is in how it is told.

If you can approach it from love and concern then it will be as positive as it can be in the situation. If it is accusatory or negative it will be counter productive.

State what happened and then leave it be. What happened is not up for debate. What he does with that is his to do and you can not control that. If he makes the choice to listen and acknowledge what was then it is a good thing but if he turns that into a reason to further act out, it is also then his choice. You can not control his choices.

You can only control what you do.

 

At least the President has made it eaiser for him to qualify for disability for PTSD.

 

thanks Heat, I think that is what I will do. I will leave out how i feel about it and just tell him what happened. and I Hope he listens and starts to see how this is affecting his health and his mental health.

and wandering I wouldnt know I dont keep up with politics anymore. but that is good to know.

 

link to Washington Post article