Expectations for my boyfriend to be involved in my orgasms

[posted in relationships forum as well]
I'm 22, and I have been with my boyfriend for half a year. He's my age. We love each other and have really great sexual chemistry, which is important for me in a relationship.

Generally, we have sex about 1-3 times every time we see each other, which is more days than not in any given week.

Over time, I've been noticing that I spend a lot of time 'giving,' as in blowjobs, handjobs and such, where, on average, he spends little to no time 'one-way' for me.

I don't cum from sex. So usually we have foreplay, then sex (where he cums), and then afterward I masturbate. The most he does for me typically is lie next to me and occasionally pet/squeeze my breasts while I cum, and frequently he falls asleep so it's like I'm masturbating with the stimulation of a sleeping man next to me, which is hugely more stimulating than masturbating alone, but I really want more.

[I should add that he is enthusiastic about eating me out, which turns me on when he expresses that, but I find he goes way to fast and hard when he is, and he doesn't respond much to my asking him to slow down. So while he is more willing to be actively involved that way, it doesn't do it for me.]

Because I find giving pleasurable and fun, this pattern didn't really stand out much at first. Over the course of our 6 months I have had several long conversations with him about this, where I've candidly expressed how sadness and frustration is building up for me about about how little time he spends 'giving,' and how much I love his hands on me, and how I feel like he doesn't think my orgasms are very interesting, whereas I am always really actively involved in his.

Things have changed a tiny bit from all those conversations. Even though a few times we've agreed the solution is that I should always cum first during foreplay, (and when we've done that it's been great,) but then normally we revert to our old style where first we have foreplay, then he cums during sex, and then I cum while I masturbate (and he intermittently sleeps).

I think I wouldn't be so mad and frustrated and sad if I didn't love him so much, and if our chemistry wasn't so great, and if he didn't appear to want to give me pleasure. I also know he loves me deeply. But I've been trying to 'change' him and it doesn't seem to be working, so now I recognize it's my responsibility to go get what I want (break up and find a man who can't keep his hands off me). I dunno if Ill actually be able to do that right now, but I need to assess this.

All that is background info. The next questions are really the point of my post.

What I want to know is, how typical is this behaviour for a 22yo man who's been in 4 other relationships or so? If you can tell me the likelihood of being able to find another guy who is more 'giving' I'd appreciate that. (Are my chances better if I look for someone older?) I'm looking for my odds; I'm not so interested in hearing about individual cases. ...Or are most guys like this?

 

Most guys are not like that. If he is not listening to you or responding to your needs then he is being insensitive and if he doesn't change then I'd dump him. That may be the reason why he has been thru 4 relationships already.

 

I'm inclined to disagree with the previous poster.

I'm 20, dating a 22 year old, and most of my friends who are in committed relationships are around that age.

I think that most people at this age still have a lot to learn about their own sexual nature, let alone a partners'. I don't think it reflects a lack of sensitivity or caring, not as long as he is open and receptive to the conversations. Even if things aren't changing a whole lot right now, behind the scenes, in his head, maybe you're starting the gears a-turnin'.

If you love him, I wouldn't give up. I also wouldn't stop having conversations about it, even if they don't feel that productive. I'm sure you guys are in the same boat most people around our age are; learning, learning, learning.

 

I can't believe I'm giving this advice but here it goes. Be a bitch and question his masculinity. Even when I was just starting I was led to believe that a real man should make a woman cum. Ask him what kind of a man he is that he can't satisfy you. Either you will get a fight or he'll fuck you like he hates you and do everything in his power to make you cum.

Peace Out,
Rev J

 

might actually be the reason he is unresponsive...sometimes men think that being more aggressive is the answer in cases like that. I think that questioning his masculinity is more likely to make him grind his tongue into you harder then it is to get him to talk about what you like.

if he isnt concerned with making you feel good sexually I struggle to see how he could care that much about taking care of your other needs. Really all you are asking for is some communication and consideration which is NOTHING at all to ask for in a relationship.

My last girl didn't get off from sex either so we normally followed the pattern of foreplay-oral for her-sex-and then sleep for the both of us. Also I always asked what she wanted which of course was less aggressive oral. but the important thing isnt how he has sex its how he communicates. if he doesnt care enough to care just dump his ass. If you think you love this guy wait till you find a guy who actively wants to please you.

we are both 21 btw so...same age group

 

You do get how ridiculous that sounds right?

Hows that going to fix it?, a guy that cant keep his hands off you is probably one thats going to cum too fast. Your current guy, sounds like you've trained him the wrong way, he thinks you cant come till he's finished, rolls over and you take care of it yourself, that way he's probably going to finish earlier

I have no problem with "straight" guys, but its pretty much the same, they always want me to dominate cos they are sick of their girls wanting to do it lovey dovey style then whining its not raw enough.

You want my advice, next time punch him and the face and scream at him, "You're not man enough to fuck me", keep hitting him until he pins you down and rips your skirt off

 

Easy, just tell him he aint getting off until you have!

 

If you love him, and you guys have chemistry, then have you considered that it's not an issue of him not wanting to be involved, but more of an insecurity thing on his part? Case in point: I've been seeing a guy for about a month and a half now. We're at about the same frequency as you two...we see each other three-four times a week, and it's atypical for us not to be intimate during our visits. A few weeks back, he was a little tipsy, and he got his a little faster than usual. I was actually satisfied (had already had a couple orgasms), but he felt bad about it being over so quickly, so we continued to make out, fool around...and then of course I was turned on again and didn't want to stop. I started using my hands to get off, and I grabbed his hand and basically prompted him to help. He immediately shied away and said "oh, no. I've never been good at that..." to which I responded, "you'll be fine. just do what I do"...and I proceeded to hold his hand and show him where to touch and helped him find the speed that worked for me, and sorta held his fingers to show him the right amount of pressure until I was...um, happy.

Immediately afterward, he still had a little insecurity. He said: "that wasn't better than when I'm inside you, was it?" To which I quickly responded: NO!! It's just different. I think it made him feel a bit more secure, and now he's all about putting his hands all over me.

I don't know if that will help you or not, but it's something to consider. Don't talk about it anymore. Wait until you're in the heat of the moment and don't tell him what to do. Show him. Reassure him. Because of the fact that you can't get off to oral stimulation and you don't get off during intercourse, he may be afraid that he won't be able to help you get off through other means. He figures that you're the pro, you know what you like, and you do it so well. Why not just let you do it?

My advice would be first and foremost to reassure him DURING SEX that you are into it, that he makes you feel good (even though you're not climaxing), and help his ego out a little. After a few times of doing that, then during foreplay, show him where to go and what to do and when you've reached orgasm, tell him that you need him, that you want to have sex with him right NOW...and then you guys can both fall into a satisfied sleep together knowing that you've each pleased the other...

It's worth a shot, no?

 

i would say hes pretty sad...

im the type of guy that doesnt stop grabbing my gf's ass, or touching or somhthing. im very hands on. but it makes the girl feel loved. and im horny. as long as i find her sexually attractive. so i cant imagine a dude that doesnt do that, seems strange to me. unless he has a low labido, but you's have a fair bit of sex. maybe so much sex, he doesnt get a chance to get really horny n touch u all the time.

maybe u need to be more clear, and blunt to him, when u explain how u want things. u really need to put it out there in a very stern way... and if it doesnt happen after that. than u know its over.

 

If you cannot cum without clitoral stimulation I'd suggest using a small vibrator on your clit while you're engage in intercourse. You can control when you'll cum to a point.
My wife can only get off that way, I don't mind the toy in bed with us. She doesn't use it every time, but then again she doesn't mind not having an orgasm every time we have sex.
But she expects me to, go figure.

I agree with Darth, you're both young and he has a lot to learn about relationship sex.

 

I think most people these days mostly have sex like they do in porn movies, which is very sad because these women highly likely don't enjoy having sex with the men that they are having sex with.

You have to understand that its commerce, so its not based on having an orgasm for the women which is really quite difficult to achieve.

I think the target group is mostly men not women.

So if everybody is having sex like they do in porn movies its easy to understand that they wouldn't really be enjoying it as much as they could be.

Real hi intensity orgasm for a women is something rare and incredible.

I think orgasm comes in strengths, sometimes its very strong other times its similar but not quite as incredible as if it was caused by long drawn out tention over a long period of time.

Orgasm is a special treat for the guy (not only you) if he does everything right its natures way of speeding up the conceive part of pregnancy.

I think nature knows what is really caring and giving in men and rewards those that do care and will hang around to look after the baby.

Achieving orgasm means the guy has to spend a lot of time on caressing your body very gently in a very careing way, and I can tell you it takes a lot of time achieve orgasm its not for people that just couldn't be bothered.

Nothing comes easy, you gotta put time and effort in - to achieve it.

Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever will.

Selfish people I dont think achieve the ultimate because it means you have to extend yourself beyond your own boundries, but if you do its well worth it.