He can't get over his childhood and I don't know how to support him... help!

Hi, my boyfriend is 20. He grew up with his mother, a heroin addict, until he was 9, in very unstable conditions. His father would visit him (although they moved around a lot so it was hard for them to keep in touch - his mum and dad were never a couple). Then he went briefly into a foster care before going to live with his dad, who he lived with until he was 18. He gets on well with his dad, who seems relatively responsible.
He hasn't seen his mum since he was 9. She used to write to him very occasionally but basically she hasn't made the effort. In he last heard from her when he was 16, until very recently.
A few months ago she gave his dad her email address to give to my boyfriend. It's a pretty huge thing for him. He doesn't talk about her much, and usually if he does he calls her a 'fucking smackhead' before going all quiet and teary. I hate to see him like this.
Anyway he eventually emailed her, I don't know what he said but I know he spent a long time thinking about it. A while later, she emailed back very casually saying she'd call him. She hasn't, and its been months now.
Then yesterday she emailed again saying she was really sorry she didn't call and that she's been very busy moving house and had no phone.
He said it was all excuses and he bets she's still on smack and she's a useless waste of space, and then burst into tears.
I had a fairly happy childhood, parents still together, blah blah blah. I don't know what to say to him. How can I help? I hate to see her getting his hopes up like this. I know he really cares for her. She hasn't bothered to see him in a decade and they are strangers! What should he do? What should I do?
Help!

 

Besides being there for him if he decides he needs your help... there isn't really much you can do.

Each person has to fight their own demons on their own. Moral support helps, but in the end, it is up to the person themself.

Don't push him to do anything about this, let him find his own path out. If he decides he wants to try to contact her, support him both when he tries and if (when) it fails... if he decides he doesn't, then never bring it up...

edited to add... the most important thing you can do, is let him know you are there for him if/when he needs you and won't push him either way...

 

Personally, I would wouldn't want a smack head in my life, no matter who it was. Food for thought.

 

Yeah the only thing it sounds like you can do is be there for him. Whether he decides to continue talking to her or not, it is going to be hard for him. But you haven't been in a similar situation, and even if you had he has to do things his own way. So just do the best to support him. It might hurt to see him hurting, but the best you can do in this sort of situation is just to be there for him.

 

Just be there for him.

If you're still with him in time (say, a few years), it may come time for you to try to get him into counseling to work out his inner demons -- until then, the best way to be supportive is a hug and some kind words.

 

I disagree with Chronic Tom. A person with a background like your BF's needs loving support BIG TIME! And although Tom was right, no one can help him get over it but himself, what he really needs is professional help. Your BF needs to know that everything that happened to him was NOT his fault. He can't just know it, he has to genuinely believe this in his heart, and usually the only person to really drive this home is a professional. He needs to know that he is loveable, that the defect there has always been his parents and NOT him, and he needs to know that they both do in fact love him, but that they (IMO from what you've told me) are both mentally unstable and are not capable of loving others as they don't love themselves. My mother had a terrible childhood with an abusive father (never physically abusive to her) just verbally abusive and he would push her mother around in front of her and things of that nature. My mom went through her whole life dating asshole guys (excluding my father, thats another story) and when the relationships wouldn't work, she dealt with it by drinking as she felt that SHE was the defect of her relationships. Recently she sought professional help and I've seen a huge difference in her already. She's allowed herself to feel again, and feel that she is of the value that she gives herself, not what others give her. I wish you and your BF all the very best of luck, but I don't think that this is something he can just 'deal with' or 'get over' by himself. He needs love, and he needs the help of a professional therapist, IMO. Good luck

 

I so disagree with this... 'Professionals' cause as many problems as they cure... Whether it is a good thing for someone to go to is something only they can say...

As for the boyfriend, I wasn't offering him advice, I was offering advice to the person who actually asked for it.

Her telling her boyfriend that he should see a professional is a quick way for her to end up single, or possibly worse.

If he decides to see a professional, she should support that decision, if he chooses not to, she should support that decision.

The moment she steps across the line from supporting his decisions to trying to advise him on what he should or shouldn't do, she will link her relationship with him to the advice she gives him...

If she suggests he goes to a professional, and the professional makes it worse, he could very well (and likely will) blame her, even if not consciously.

Support... not advice or suggestions...

 

Many people who are hurting from many things are way too embarrassed to seek or ask for help

What matters more here. Their relationship or the emotional well-being of a young man who's clearly in pain?

Someone who loves you tries to give you advice that they think will help. If anything it will show that she cares about him, if she says it in the right manner

She is not responsible for the way his mind will react to the unwravelling of the emotional abuse that he's suffered. Yes he could blame her, but answer me this...how could a professional psychologist make things worst? They didn't spend at least 7 years in school have 'accidents' with peoples minds. Anything that is going on her her BF's mind is already there. A psychologist could not possibly do ANYTHING that would fuck him up more.

Also, don't bring your own ego into this, and don't make it personal just because I don't agree with you.

 

If you believe this there is nothing more to be said to you about it.

As for that last line... You are the one who just tried to make this personal.

 

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all the advice!
I agree with those of you who suggested he see a councillor, I don't think he'll ever really talk to me properly about it, and he's not really close with any relatives, but I think he might talk to a professional. I suggested he went to a councillor a while back after I had a good result from going to a councillor myself, but I also didn't want him to feel like I was telling him to. He did agree that it might help him, but there was a huge wait to even get on the waiting list so it kind of fizzled out. I might talk to him about it again. If he doesn't want to go he won't, but my problems were completely different (I'm agoraphobic) to his, so I don't know whether it'll help much. I do remember myself getting very upset whilst talking to my councillor, and at times I did wonder if it was doing me any good, so I'm worried that with his (much worse) problems, he'll experience that tenfold (I think this is what Chronic Tom may be getting at?) Although I think in the long run it would help him, as it did me. He always bottles everything up, even little things, and that can't be good.

 

Having had a psychology grad student as a room mate...... Who was a lifelong alcy, and just totally worthless in general.... FUCK that. Psychologists have a whole host of their own psychology problems, in several cases I have experiance with, and going and paying them money to let them fuck with his mind is a bad idea. And counseling often works out badly, and as chronictom said, he'll blame the OP if it doesn't work for him.

OP, just be there, don't associate yourself with his mother, such as by organizing coulseling, you don't want to be part of that for him. It's also very offensive to tell someone that they need help because of the actions of someone else. Because he's sad doesn't mean he needs a shrink, guys cry too, jeebus. He needs to work through it with his girl and other friends, not some shrink.

 

At 20, sounds like your boyfriend needs to seriously man up


Playing the victim card can be addictive, especially as it now applies to you

And theres always two sides to the coin, yes he had a shitty mother, but that in some ways probably made him more independant compared to the norm.

Theres always a certain amount of self centeredness that comes with self pity

You'll probably find in the end you get fed up with it and feel the need to smack him out of it

 

I think all this has also greatly impaired his ability to put faith in anyone. For example, he never used to say that he loved me, because he didn't 'believe' in love. Even though I was the person closest to him that he spent every day with, and we'd been together a year. But now he does! I think he expected me to abandon him too. I guess he is pretty mentally scarred. When I suggested counselling before, he said having someone actually give a toss about how he is to this extent is alien to him, but really nice. I know he does appreciate my support; he really supported me last year when I was going through a horrible slightly-insane phase, and I would love to give him something back. So I don't think he minds if I encourage him to get professional help, but I am a little bit anxious about the consequences. But like Lunaverse (thanks for your help, by the way) said, it's much more important to me that he sorts this out than keeping it unnecessarily bottled up for the sake of our relationship.

 

Vanilla Gorilla, I know that self-pity CAN bring self-centredness. He, however, is no more self-centred than anyone else I know, in fact significantly less. And he needs to 'man up'? Jesus. Why? Because he's a guy who CRIES occasionally? Don't 'real men' cry? In fact most of the he time tries to hide it from me. I'm the only person he really gets to talk about this to, for fuck's sake. And I suppose in some ways it made him more independent, but I'm sure he'd prefer a loving mother over a bit more independence. Maybe some people wouldn't give a shit but everyone's different, and he actually does. Do you really think the thing to do would be to slap him about a bit before buggering off? Sorry, but I don't agree.

 

He can cry as much as he wants, not what I really meant by manning up.

I meant maybe its time he gets out there and enjoys his 20s so he doesnt spend his 30s also blaming the mum for shitty 20s


Dont you also worry you've become the replacement mother?

 

Yeah, I'd love him to get out there and enjoy his 20s, but I don't think he can just sweep this under the carpet. She keeps his hopes up too much. I think one of the things he most wishes he had is an ordinary relationship with his mother. If he leaves it til he's middle-aged, he will still have had shitty 20s.
And no, I don't worry that I've become the replacement mother. We have an equal relationship but it just so happens that in this particular instance I'm the one supporting him. Sometimes it's the other way round. I may be replacing some of the love he would otherwise receive from a family, but I haven't taken on a 'motherly' role as far I know, unless caring about him counts, and if that's the case I don't care if I have. I don't really know what you would advise...?

 

ACOA is a 12 step program like AA. It's for kids that grew up with addicted parents. He'll get the tools he needs to deal so he can move pass the resentments and continued mental and emotional abuse the mother will give him. That's where a psychologist should/would send him. And its free.