Why did it act opposite? Much weighing on my mind, molly not a good idea?

So last night I took one and half hits of really good electric stuff. Probably around 9:30 Pm. Irrelevant... Blew probably half a tenth of some also really good molly at say 11:30 spaced out to about 12.

All was well, watched most of I'm not there. Was pretty poopy outside, but when my video viewing time was over took a step outside and there was indeed a partial clearing the sky for me to view the vibrancy of the stars.

Took a step back inside to watch Futurama The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, all was fabulously humorous, everything was superbly energetic and vibrant.

Then I decide to take it back outside this time with some very nice marijuana. Everything is vibrating intensely even before I smoke the weed. I take about 5 big hits from my steam roller, everything vibrates more intensely, form and structure begins to bend, and it feels as though my mind is rubber being stretched out over space.Twinkle Twinkle lol. However

I begin to take into account I'm just sort of like pacing outside the front of my house at 3 a.m. in my residential neighborhood. Naturally I assume my safety in front of my own house, but I really wonder if people are watching me and saw me smoke. It's been different now since some parties at my house where my neighbors called the police on me, and the neighbors surrounding me around that time would talk to my dad behind my back about my behavior, making sure he is safe, indicating their concern for the safety of their own property??? Like I would do anything to hurt my blessed peaceful loving father. Or like I care about defiling their property and their own peace of mind. No. But it's been a whole year of college since that time, so I wasn't conscious of it until now in a sort of inside my mind delusion in front of all these bending houses and windows in the dark. However

Nothing that would bring my trip downhill overall, take a step back inside to the darkness of my house. Everything is fractal in tunnel form, vibrating. It's wondrously convincing of the beauty of mind and self. I gently walk into my room, hear the sound of vehicle, figure it's the newspaper delivery right, I walk out of my room to the front window to check out in curiousity. No fear, believe me, until I see it's the fucking 5 mother fucking 0. Come to creeping slow down at the bend of street my house is located right on. I freak. Of course. Shut off all the lights, peak around the bend of a half wall in my house, and I see them pull into my neighbors driveway, two doors down, the ones super geeked about my lifestyle.

Needless to say, I'm having a huge adrenaline rush, locked myself inside the darkness of my room, peaking out the crack of my room door to see if they're going to come to my front door. Half hour of this fear probably passes, and I begin to regain from the adrenaline attack. And in reality there is nothing I could have done that warrants them even knocking on the door of a silent and dark house at 3 am without report of actual mischief.

Next is the onslaught of my own negativity. Soon arises this idea in my head that the arrival of the police completely provoked my personal shadow, which would include any type of guilt placed on me and my lifestyle by the neighbors. BUT not limited to......ALL MY INSECURITIES. OUT. SPILLING THE FUCK OUT. FAST. IN MILLIONS OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF FEAR. My relationship with my mother, all the terrible things she's said to me that provoked me to say terrible things, I am wondering how upset she is currently in life with me, at herself because of me. Not a FULL effort I put into my last school semester (but it turns out I did pretty well..got my grades this morning..synchronicity). I don't have a summer job yet, and the process of getting one is a pain in my ass, I fear not getting one because of my looks and lack of experience. My resistance to others romantic interest for me.......Just nothing positive to come from me, and all my achievements thus far count towards nothing in this state?

It's a battle in my head, I keep thinking of ego, and how I can't rid myself of this terrible one that is my shadow. And that somehow my shadow is infinitely larger than my true self.

The visuals accompanied are gross......bugs.....in my head....crawling in and out of holes. Rots, disgusting mold and trailing moss. Those are on and off, but they even occur when my thoughts are clear and I'm trying to close my eyes in peace.

I smoke like 8 more hits of headie spaced throughout the night and whole trip.****

Slowly throughout the night, with the help of music, some positivity re enters my brain, I become more consumed in the moment of feeling.But it's as though a constant cycle of death and rebirth of thought. No matter how many loops of thought I've been through and how many conclusions that temporarily helped my conscience, it all fades and the insecurity re-enters. So there is this constant...I hate life, ok it's not too bad, I should be happy, I hate life, I'm okay....etc etc etc...

Still got some beautiful music playing, that does help for the moments, but my linear mind and encircling thoughts keep occurring, and it is hard to even focus and let the music consume my whole awareness.

I say fuck it. Lets try some meditation. I mean I guess it's not that hard to put your mind back and let all this energy go direct to nothing but energy. I was successful for quite a few moments. And yes the imagery became more beautiful. Soon I was way more consumed by unbiased energy, I became more visually aware within the dome that is my brain atmosphere within my skull. Fractalized tunnels, or more like a fractalized total DOME. The imagery travels as though I were a being within this dome traveling upward, and then finally into this state that I have experienced before where all energy focuses and collapses inward to a centrical point, my eyelids, but ALSO my whole mind vibrates as though if it were a buzzing bee, at an extremely fast rate, and it's like super fast strobing of a bright light. This perceived, infinite energy, washes away any atmosphere of doubt, and even my body loses boundary and becomes one with my bed. But I could not stay here, I couldn't fall asleep, and I couldn't stop thinking. The amphetamine like action of the molly is felt very intensely. And this peak of psychedelic energy occurs at 6:30 AM, far beyond when I expected to be asleep by considering I took the first hit at 9:30 (I take the half hit at midnight)

By now I've taken over 1800 mg of Valerian Root powder, and also after the freekish cop incident I drank a cup of "Calming" Yogi Tea. Naturally these things do make me drowsy, and I can feel that even though thoughts are still racing. The same same same fucking cycle of negativity and okayness over and over until my point of departure into sleep....

Woken up to negative atmosphere, but the thoughts are dulled extremely. Thank god. My grades come in, and they are all superb except one completely irrelevant class that I blew off, which was stupid of me. But I get confirmation from both my parents that they are happy about it all. But it comes across that I was upset and so I break the news of the experience to my dad. He still doesn't know why I take acid, I always try to tell him, but he is very nonjudgemental so all is well. By now with the help of the Grateful Dead my desperation has leveled out, and I'm atleast at some semi peaceful point I was at before all of this. That isn't to say I didn't learn, this self consciousness has to have taught me something.... Something about effort in life, and satisfying your own feelings that you reep just what you sow... Which in these case would be my own self doubts, that were fed by recent disruption in my son to mother relationship, recent sickness and heavy DXM (dissociation), opiate usage, benzo usage.

Input is helpful indeed, I would appreciate it...

Some thoughts...
I'm beginning to dislike MDMA, even though I feel life as wonderful while on it, and even through lingering effects, it still leaves a dopamine and serotonin drainage. Feeding myself some 5HTP for sure today. The way MDMA provokes thinking does not go well with Acid when there is a lot on your conscience. Different experiences for different times and not together at some times.

I'm weighing my brain down too much with feeling of adequacy and inadequacy as of late. It should be known to myself that I should always care about the energy I put in, but not the image I think I should receive of myself.


All things take time.....but surely the light feeds our waking state to feel goodness.

 

Oh yea, and I'm not sure if the cop thing was coincidence or if the neighbors actually called the police on me outside of my own house. I'm thankful I got inside at the nick of time tho.

 

wow what a trip.

i know how you feel. the first time i smoked with my cid i had these thoughts of people being just ants who think they have feelings emotions but only because of the complexity of our brains. It kind of fucked with me for the few days after. but sometimes to really get out of the hole if you're still in it is to trip again. trip again and hope for the best. do it around nature. during the day. and dont smoke on it.

At least that's what helped me clear my head and realize who i really was

 

Dude, amazing that's exactly what I had planned on doing. I went to a really good show tonight, danced a lot. got rid of the rest of my molly. up my nose. It helped but I'm glad it's gone, wrong time to candy flip. I probably wont mix narcotic like substances with my cid anymore. Last time I did, something similar happened.

 

Those conscious loops and emotions are something everyone can relate too. Sometimes it takes being fed up and unhappy about shit to look at things from the other side to make efforts to be happy again, I suppose. Anyways, happy driving on your roller coaster of ups and downs as well. I've recently hit a strange fuzz as well and am not sure why it happened or what I should be doing about it at this point. I've just been trying to accept this new change, I suppose... see where it goes/ etc.

 

yea

 

if i was having all those negative thoughts while tripping (and after smoking 5 hits) i would NOT smoke any more weed.

i've never done molly, so i can't really comment on that. the ONLY thing i mix with LSD is weed. and if it's a strong enough trip i might not even do that.

 

Yea, it's quite ridiculous behavior on my part. Sometimes during my trip I smoke hard, fast, and a lot because I feel like I can't feel it. But oh wait just a minute.

 

Despite the difficulty that was involved in the trip, it sounds like it was very beneficial, in some ways. I've never had a bad trip, but I've always assumed that they can be just as beneficial as good trips, if not moreso.

 

Good guess, it has. And in relevance to the other thread, this all occurred, even though provoked, because I took acid to help deal with all that was on my mind, as though searching for some kind of revelation or transcendence of my feelings. Accidentally, it was just amplified. Which was going to be the nature of the cycle anyways, to influence me to act, to Put in a good word or good thought, realize the uselessness of harboring ill feelings towards others.

 

How old are you man? (the OP)

 

Well do you now feel put off of LSD? will you take it again?

Sounds like you had some very enjoyable times, and fought through the negativity.

 

No I don't feel put off my LSD. It's one of my loves, I've had way too many great trips to not realize fear is not the end.

I'm 19. Just done with my freshman year in College. Why?

 

Well that's what matters then

 

Just curious

 

Well if you're just curious, because you sense some kind of immaturity from me, it's probably true. I am very immature.

 

No not really. Just wondered

 

Well then my age makes no difference.

 

its funny i just candyflipped recently, just finished freshman year of college, did mostly well in school except one class that i totally blew of, and have had a trip last month with a weird episode involving thoughts of bugs. i've also experienced a lot of synchronicity lately.

 

no it's not funny, cuz you're a liar. and a rip off artist. get a fucking lfie jackass