Potential Baby Mama Drama (long)

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of a year’s ex’s child might be his. No, he didn’t cheat on me. His ex screwed around while with him and as a result, the kid (five years old) she now has with her husband may belong to my boyfriend. I was extremely surprised at first and became more and more upset as I realized he had no intention of finding out whether or not he fathered this child. How can you not want to know if you have a kid out there??? If I were him, I would be dying knowing someone else is calling themselves a father to MY kid. What bothers me the most is I had to tell him what to do. Not only do I look after my nephew a lot, I have to mother my boyfriend as well? He should know to take care of his own responsibilities. Yeah, it could hurt the present marriage of the girl- but this is to be expected. She cheated, now she has to reap the consequences. He has a right to know for sure. This is all very shocking coming from a guy who says he wants kids- and soon. So finally I told him he needed to get a paternity test. He said there was no point and called me selfish for forcing him just so I could know. I. Blew. Up. This is not about me, this is me being caring about the man I love and wanting to make sure he doesn’t let the possibility of parenthood pass him by! He finally understood but was still hesitant. I told him finally that either he get the test, or lose me. This might sound harsh, but I don’t want to be with someone who wouldn’t take action at the possibility of being a father and not taking it up. He agreed, and to make sure he follows through, I told him not to contact me until he knows.

Finally after all this happens, my sister tells me we are going to watch our neighbor’s kids for a few hours at the park. These kids are three and four, along with my nephew, 10 months. These boys are a HANDFUL. Two handfuls at least. Adorable of course, but hyper and I found myself chasing them down several times. This did sufficiently take my mind off of what’s been going on, but it did occur to me that this could be what I might be dealing with if I stay with my boyfriend, and if the kid turns out to be his. I’d be a stepmom once we get married. It really opened my eyes. And then when I finally got home, I wondered- this is an odd coincidence. I’m not a religious person, but I couldn’t help but wonder if this all happened for a reason. To give me an idea of what could be.

What is also unfortunate is that my mom is angry with me because I wouldn’t tell her my sister’s business, and is giving me the silent treatment. So I can’t even talk to her about this. She is the kind of bitter, spiteful mother I NEVER hope to be.

I realize he must be freaked out, as am I. Some encouraging words might help right now.

 

I don't know. In some ways I can really see why it might be better to not know if the child is his own. I mean, you said this kid is 5. All 5 years of his life he has thought of one man as daddy, and it just seems like saying "now this is your daddy" might be really hard on a five year old. I suppose this does not mean that your boyfriend can't know, but if this child already has a father, knowing for your boyfriend and not being able to be a part of the kids life may be harder. Has this woman told her husband that he might not be this kid's father? It just sounds like no matter how you go about the situation it is confusing. But I am not sure I would do what you did. I know it has an impact on you, but it just seems like you shouldn't force your boyfriend to do what you think is right. He needs to talk to this couple (in my opinion both of them, not just her) and make the choice with them of what their options about finding out are. I don't mean for this to be mean at all and I hope you don't see it as that. Maybe it is because I am not in your situation and do not know all the details that I feel I would act differently. Anyway. Even though this is tough to deal with, wait it out. Things will turn out okay.

 

I see what you mean. Everything kind of just came at me at once and this was the first thing I thought to do. Even if it wasn't the right thing, I can't change it now. I think that he should talk to both of them as well.

And the thing is, he always wanted children and was once engaged to this girl. According to him, he found out she aborted a child that was his earlier before. He went through that hurt before and he deserves to know whether or not this one is his. She never denied it, but she never proved it either. What makes me upset is that he is so passive, even with things that are important to him. It's not really my responsibility to push him, and I know that. I just can't help it if I think it will benefit him.

 

You did the right thing. I'd do the same thing for the sake of the child involved. This child may have a daddy already and not need a biological father, but a child is still a human with rights. He wont' stay 5 forever. Nobody will be saying "now this is your daddy". That's not how it works. The man who has been a daddy to the child for the past 5 years will still be his daddy, regarless of whether or not he is biologically his. You boyfriend has chosen not to know so far. This child clearly doesn't need your boyfriend in his life and probably doesn't deserve a part in his life either. At 5 years old, the boy won't be able understand and decide for himself who he needs and wants. If your boyfriend does turn out to be a father and decides he wants a part in this childs life then it won't be plain sailing. He failed him for 5 years. If I were his child, I'm not sure I'd want him as my father. He would have a lot of making up to do. Nonetheless, for future's sake and incase heaven forbid any health problems should arrive, this child needs to know who his biological father is. It's not something he should have to try and understand now since he's at too tender an age, but he has every right to know when he needs and wants to. Your boyfriend should be less selfish.

Having said all this; There is one more innocent person (who I've actually forgotten until this point) to consider. The husband. How much would it hurt him?

 

Thank you. I was beginning to doubt myself. He knew that he could POSSIBLY be the father and only now did all the rumors get to be too much and he finally told me. I really don't know how long he knew and didn't do anything. As more time passes, I don't think I could be with him knowing he would be okay not knowing, you know? It speaks a lot for his character...

And I never met the husband or the wife. All I do know is he's apparently abusive and he was the one she cheated on my boyfriend with. I know it might sound mean, but if her marriage is ruined, it's karma. She shouldn't have cheated in the first place. Being abusive, he's probably very possessive as well and I think he would probably be more angry than hurt. That's just my guess though.

 

If her marriage is ruined lucky her. I mean if he's abusive, she'll be better off without this dickhead. In some way I feel like this piece of information changes things. I mean if it is your boyfriend's kid, he should probably be concerned that the father is abusive. Maybe he doesn't abuse the child, but there is a possibility he will in the future. That would really concern me. But I suppose if he isn't the father it should still concern people. After all, it is a child. No matter whose it is, someone should make sure this kid is being treated right and will continue to be in the future. If your boyfriend thinks there is even a chance this man is hurting this kid, he should call social services. And if he won't you should.

Anyway. I still don't think I would have done what you did, but I don't think it was wrong either.

I really try not to tell my boyfriend or anyone what they "have to" do. However there are situations where I have to say, you can do whatever you want, and I respect your choice, but when your decisions are impacting me in a negative way, I may not be able to handle being with you any longer. Which I suppose is an ultimatum and I have been in a situation where this was necessary.
Haha, anyway. I am confusing. I hope that every things turns out for the best though.

 

Don't read too far into things. I agree with you and I think your boyfriend should be bigger and less selfish, but there are lots of reasons boys shy away from dealing with this kind of thing. Don't let it upset your relationship. Also, if he is about to find out if he's been a father for the past 5 years and not known it- He could probably do with a little support. Being a parent doesn't come naturally to men as it does women- obviously so.

Bad karma. I think cheating on someone is a terrible thing, I've never done it and I hope I don't ever have to be involved with someone who does. But I don't think she ever deserved an abusive marriage either. If her marriage is ruined, then thank God for that! If he were to be more angry than hurt then it'd be a good thing if it were over too. Much though I hate the idea of an abusive marriage though, I'm not sure I'd like to be the one to come between it. We never know what happens between closed doors, how abusive he really is and whether or not things are good or could be good between them. He sounds like a twat to me, but how do you know all this? Rumours? Hmm. Don't put your trust into hearsay.

You say rumours got too much though and your boyfriend fessed up to you. The fact that there are rumours suggests other people are aware and talking about it. Is the husband really not aware that this child might not be his? It sounds to me like it would help everybody out if they knew!

 

Well, I never said I wouldn't be supportive. All I wanted was for him to find out. If he turned out to be the father I wouldn't leave him. I would be very supportive and do my best to help him in any way I can. I love him too much to leave him for that.

He told me she confessed to him about the abuse a long time ago, and when he ran into her the other day, she had bruises. I wouldn't trust it if it were only rumors. Like I said before, he always knew there was a chance he fathered the kid.

I'm not sure if the husband knows anything about this. I guess I was too unprepared for this, and didn't think of all the questions I should have asked. And I haven't spoken to him since yesterday.