I haven't been professionally diagnosed, but I think it's safe to assume I have a touch of the body dysmorphic disorder. I genuinely believe I am the most disgusting piece of shit I have ever laid eyes on. I really want to throw my fist through a mirror whenever I pass by. Been that way my whole life. It doesn't distress me to the point where I am afraid to go outside, like some people I've read about.. I really don't care what others think of how I look.. I just know I hate it, and nothing/no one has ever been able to change my mind. I can't even explain what it is about me I don't like. I just don't look the way *I* think I should. I would be a horrible candidate for plastic surgery because I would never be satisfied and I'd end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Body mod helps to a degree, but until I'm covered head to toe, I still look like.. me. Ew. It's not even a self esteem issue at this point. It's a physical repulsion and RAGE I feel in my core when I see myself. I don't know. There's really no point to this. Just fuckin' ranting. Don't tell me I'm alone here... someone else?
You are not alone. I repeat, you're not alone! I completely relate to the feelings of rage and disgust. It wasn't always like this for me, though. I grew up being a fat kid because my mom loves cooking and I was brought up to finish everything on my plate even when the portions were too big. I have been calling myself fat for years. The first day of first grade, my aunt took a picture of my cousin and I and when I saw the photo, I noticed how fat my thighs were and therefore felt inferior to my peers. Then when I was 14 I moved across the country and all summer sat inside eating nachos + Dairy Queen because I had nothing else to do. I was depressed and I gained about 40 pounds in 6 months.... I would look in the mirror and see that I was fat, but it just depressed me even more and I thought that I couldn't do anything about it. So... I started cutting. It got pretty damn bad there for awhile. I was put in the hospital twice, in & out of therapy, the whole works. i haven't cut in a year but i've moved onto other "coping skills" i guess. Now I'm losing weight and "supposedly" I am at a healthy weight now but I honestly don't feel like I've lost any. i'm still the fat girl. People at work tell me, oh you're getting so skinny, how do you do it.... it's so awkward to know that they're looking at my body, i just want to disappear sometimes because I don't feel like i'm worthy of being looked at. does that make sense? idk if it does. i'm sorry... i'm sort of rambling but i would like you to know that you're not alone. *hugs* I wonder what creates these feelings...for me it's a mixture of depression and low self esteem and the media plus some fucked up shit in my past... idk. i hate it. "when god gave us mirrors, he had no idea..." be well.
you sound like you got the realism blues baby typical run of the mill social phobia or sad social anxiety disorder you hate your self everything you cant do your existance and well everything my advice: be overly impulsive i used to be that way before i came to terms that many artist and sucsesful people loath themselfs try this smoke alot of pot and learn to play the delta blues go busk make alot of money buy more weed find a train yard get to know the trains schedules and hop them to different towns follow free festivals this is just the human mind ajusting to advertizement and thye media you arent perfect neither am i loll im shit but i got my guitar dont be depressed be obsessed i am 3 star crazy person ive been rehabilitated 3 times fuck everything but your self cause yes life is a bitch you marry and then it divorces you with more problems pull you balls together put on a grin and turn that maddness outside in
