Been in denial for so long..

Hey everyone..

I'm not really sure where to start... but just this week, I've somehow come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I mean..it's still really weird for me to type it...and I'm not sure that I've 100% accepted it...but this is a step forward..because I've been in denial for so long.

I'm 25 years old and have been in denial this whole time. My entire life I've never been attracted to women *in that way*. I've never had a girlfriend..never had a relationship..never even been kissed..and I'm 25. I see guys and i'm attracted..I have no idea why..

It's like..this whole time I've known the truth..but I've always ignored it..tried to pretend it isn't there because a big part of me doesn't want to be this way =\. It's like I feel ashamed. I mean I've never had a problem with gay people.. but .. I know that my family always wanted me to have a "normal" life..to have a girlfriend..get married. My friends don't even know..they've even tried to hook me up with girls..set up dates. People have even asked me.."why dont you have a girlfriend.." and I just make up excuses..but...bleh.. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

I dunno..I've just been really depressed for so long. Every day I wake up..and I feel trapped. I've been thinking that I'll never have a relationship..that it would never work..that I never could be attracted to a woman like that. I basically surrendered to the fact that I'd always be alone..and I've been miserable. Accepting who I am has never even felt like an option..nothing I could even consider..until now..for some reason.

I've been doing a lot of praying recently...trying to figure out how to fix my life..and I have no idea what happened...but I just suddenly started accepting it. I'm gay. Wow that feels so weird to type..but at the same time good.

So yeah..I feel better now..in a way..but scared at the same time.

Now that I think I can accept it..I have hope. I mean...if I can accept it, and embrace the fact that I am who I am.. maybe I can find a boyfriend and I can stop living a lie. Maybe I can actually start living. When I think about it..it feels right. But also I have no idea how I'll tell my family ... especially my mom. the thought alone churns my stomach.

Eh..well..I'm not ready to do that yet anyway. I'm currently living at home at the moment..so in the same house with family + telling them..I'm not sure thats a good idea. I'll be moving out though soon...to a bigger city (I currently live in a small, homophobic town..which is part of my problem I think). I might tell a friend..who is a girl. I know she won't be upset about it..and I wouldn't be surprised if she already knows..or wonders...but not them yet.

Blah, anyway..I just rambled so much..I'm not even sure if any of it made any sense lol. I've just had no one to talk to about this. It's been pent up inside my mind for literally years.

Thanks for reading this...

 

you have a healthy attitude and that's a good start. i wish you all the luck.

 

Yeah, good call dude. Was a nice, liberating read. Report back if any progress is made, of course

 

I'm glad what I wrote made sense..because I wasn't even sure..:lol. I was reaally confused when I wrote it.. and still am..but I feel a lot better about things now. At least I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can say "I'm gay"..and it feels right. It seriously feels like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Although now I have to think about things like telling friends, family, etc. Not really looking forward to that. Oh well.

I thank you for your comments, and I will update if I make some progress .

 

it made perfect sense dude. You're making much more progress than some people in your situation would be. Don't worry about coming out to your parents at all right now. take things step by step and eventually you'll feel it's time.

 

I loved reading this and wish you all the luck in the world figuring out your situation. It's hard but I believe you've already made the biggest step by coming to terms with it yourself. I still remember the EXACT moment I first thought to myself "I'm gay." the thought struck me like a ton of bricks. I was upset at first, then slowly came to accept it more and more. It's not easy but I have a strong feeling from what you wrote that you will make it out just fine. Being yourself can be really hard but the alternative is far worse. Once again good luck and congratulations.

 

When I was about 11 or 12, all my peers used to make fun of me and call me gay, or fag, etc. I knew I was gay but I never accepted it. I used to cry at night because I was made fun of constantly and I thought I wasn't normal. I even considered suicide for a while. I used to say I was straight, to myself, even though I knew that I was gay. I kinda have the same problems are you, but I have Catholic parents who are extremely homophobic.. I'm still closeted, and I plan to come out soon.. I wish you the best of luck because I know how you feel.
Hope everything works out!

 

Hey Patrick, we definitely sound like we're in the same type of situation. I'm pretty sure I knew I was gay for a long time..it's the accepting that's hard. Though I've found..at least so far..that once I had, I felt a whole lot better. It's really tough to deny something you feel every day. It made me miserable.

Thanks for your kind words. I've personally decided to wait on telling my family, at least for now. I'm not quite ready yet. If you are, I really wish you the best of luck too!. Please update us on your situation.

I know I'll remember the exact moment too.. and you're right, the alternative is definitely far worse. Thanks everyone for the encouragement

 

You're welcome!
and thanks! I also knew I was gay for a while,
but I never accepted it either. Now that I can say, "I'm gay",
I feel a whole lot better. I'm gonna' wait a while until I tell my family
too, because I need to be more comfortable with myself before I tell them,
because I know they won't like it very much..
Did I mention I'm only fourteen? xd
Good luck on whatever you choose to do!

 

I've also found that it's easy to find the gays, just hard to find one that admits it. I can remember myself being different in that way, especially since grade 5 when I had a weird relationship with one of my guy friends for a while. Then, from grade 6 on, I just sort of denied it, but considered myself secretly bisexual until I was 15 when I finally had to tell someone I was gay... It was my girlfriend at the time. I felt horrible because I didn't want her to think I was using her as gay cover, which I wasn't, was just confused at the time. It definately feels a million times better coming out, even to someone. Best wishes in your newly liberated life!

 

I'm really high right now, and everything you're saying seems so right. THeres nothing wrong with this, no need to pray. You set yourself free. Peace and Looooooooooooooove

 

So, I just kinda randomly stumbled across this site, specifically this post, and I gotta say nocturna, reading your initial post was kinda weird for me cause it seemed like I was reading my life story. Like yourself, I too had no one to talk about what I was going through over the years and I let it get all pent up inside, which also led to me feeling really depressed and lonely. Then finally, I reached the point that you're at about a couple months ago, I just had this feeling that I had to accept myself and I struggled with it for a while. Actually, I still am struggling with it to this very day, but I've made progress. I guess this is a process, just wish it progressed a little faster, but all things need time.

I felt like I had to tell my parents first, specifically my mom. Her and I are really close and I thought it would be wrong to tell anyone else first, but as you said, it also makes me sick to my stomach to think about telling her and how disappointed I can imagine she will be. Lately she's been mentioning grandchildren, and how people my age can get married and have children.....ugh, like that makes it any easier for me to tell her...

So yeah, as much as I felt that I needed to tell her first, I couldn't, and I don't know when I will, but in the meantime I did tell two female friends of mine. It was so hard to get the words out when I told the first one, but I just did it one day. It felt weird at first, but it felt so freeing soon afterwards. I have no regrets about telling them, and it has helped me in the process of accepting myself.

In my opinion, if you feel that you have a friend that you can trust, and that will accept you for who you are no matter what, like that girl you mentioned, I say go for it. I know it's helped me to come out to the two people I have so far. But above all else, take your time, when it feels right to you to come out, then it's the right time, don't rush things just to speed along the process unnecessarily.

Anyway, I quite enjoyed your ramble, as you put it, due to it being so eerily similar to my life and how things have played out thus far. Looking forward to hearing about future updates on your situation. Anyway, I'll keep you in my prayers and if you ever need someone to talk to, let me know, I feel we already have a lot in common with our past and we're both going through the same process now.

 

Hey man, I have a lot of empathy for you.
I was raised Catholic. I was born...well, not straight. I'm a few years younger than you, and only recently have I came out to a few of my friends.

I understand your feelings, I think,...the way that you wake up, and believe that you can't have a "normal" life or relationships, because they way you feel and the way you are "supposed" to feel completely conflict.

I'm still trying to work it out, and I wish I had more advice for you, but just take it one day at a time. Believe in yourself, and know that there are others out there just like you.