What the fuck is going on. I never know what I'm feeling, and if I feel good, it seems most of the time it is just an illusion. I'm about to graduate from a 5 year highschool (where you take college courses for free) in less than 3 months. This is a big thing for me, shitty highschool life is about to finally be over. I have a fear of the future and really having to push myself to get out there. This thing in my mind always wants me to kill myself. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am. I have so much going for me! I'm realizing that I am an extremely sensitive person, emotionally fragile. There are times when I feel confident and strong. For example the other day I had to find the painting teacher in the art building so I went to his office, the door was open, so I knocked lightly and stepped a foot in. He said, "Yeah I'm on the phone and then I have to get to class!" I waited outside for a minute then just went to class, walking there I felt I could have cried. That's when I really noticed this about myself. More background information: I am a recovering drug addict, got almost 16 months clean now. The thing that seems to have been keeping me feeling low seems to be a relationship that I was in that I ended many months ago. I love the girl, but I tore a wide hole between us by not knowing what I wanted and ending it/getting back together 5 times. She doesn't recognize my existence anymore. I didn't know then and I obviously don't know hence the title of my thread. I do for a one hundred percent fact know that I love her and it fucking hurts that I did that, just shit all over everything and threw it away. After it all ended I learned more about her true self and it wasn't who I thought I was with. I know I shouldn't be with her at all. A great life experience it was though, taught me so that the next time, I don't take something beautiful for granted. We seem to love the people who are the worst for us. Anyways that love is there and it is just that I shat on it and now it is nothing more than my memory. I have been, at first subconsciously, trying to find a relationship or someone to be with, like I was with her. Nothing worked out, everything was a fail, and I really found no feelings with anyone else. It feels like I am a virus. An empty shell of a person who brings everyone elses mood down. This seems dramatic, I do feel good at times and I do know that there are a lot of people who genuinely would like to be around me, but I really don't have friends to hang out with. Old friends that use want me to hang out with them sometimes but that is not fun whatsoever. The only other people that I know to be around are people in the NA twelve step program I attend. I guess I have one solid friend, I met him through NA, and I'm really grateful he has stuck by me and all and continues to talk to me He is with his girlfriend 24/7 though, so I mostly just talk to him on the phone once a day. Most people seem to ignore me. Come time for the weekend it is just fucking depressing. "Oh yay the weekend is here... time to be alone some more, do some schoolwork, write on a step, go to a meeting or two." I'm at a part in my recovery where I'm supposed to be writing on feelings. How ironic? I have some things I need to grow through. My friend who I was talking about above was saying shit over the phone today about how I act. Said that I wear my feeling on my sleeve and that it is humorous to him when I act a different way around a group of people because I don't want them to know that I feel fucked up. He said you probably don't think that is funny at all. Nope I don't really find that something to laugh about. I know what he is talking about though and if it were anyone else I probably would have been upset that they told me that. Kind of repeating something here, all my interactions with females hasn't been swell. I have made some friends that are girls, through getting to know them, which is a big thing for me. Friends isn't what I was going for at all at the start of getting to know these gals. I have learned a lot about women and of qualities I like/dislike for a potential mate in the future. I guess I shouldn't say I'm friends friends, mainly just friendly with them now. I don't know how to be friends with a girl really without trying to date them first. I've been working out my PC muscle everyday for quite some time now. Recently got back with a girl I was with before the one I love and had sex a couple times. I was expecting to last like 30 seconds cause it had been about 9 months since I had sex last and because I never could really last a very long time anyways. I was surprised at the enhancement, was thinking, "Huh when the fuck am I gonna cum?" It used to be, "Damn! Already?" But it was hollow, there wasn't really any passion, more like excercise. Even more basic background info: I eat healthy is an understatement. I do not fuck around one bit about the foods I put into my body. I excercise regularly, can run over 4 miles in one go. I was going to go to the Y today but I was tired and slept instead, felt somewhat better after waking up which isn't really what I expected would happen. I seem to be living in a state where I'm constantly on the run from depression. Ever since I got clean I have felt this way. I can mentally get away from it, but seriously? I guess when I stop doing the things at hand that need to be done it comes back into my life. I'm an artist/poet emotional basket case. If you read this, Thank You! Please comment. Also my number of posts seems to be stuck at 6 for some reason?
Ahh, post count doesn't go up in Random Thought forum. Ok, well after writing this hooblah I feel better. I conclude that I'm still a teenager.
OneLifeForm-Ok first of all you are not a virus. You are going through struggles. I can feel your frustration with life right now, I mean you went through a lot and still are. I felt the same way as you towards the opposite sex after a really hard break up. ItS tough but if you really love her you will change for the better, you can do it. Look I'm on my last year of high school myself, Im so fucking glad its almost over because I want to be an adult now get the fuck out of high school. But accomplishing these goals you need to come up with a plan. I mean sure its gonna feel good getting out of school but what next? that's a really scary question. You need to come up with a plan for yourself and your future. Its hard to do that when you have all these other stressful things on the side. Like your break up with your ex which by the way im sorry about,I've been there a lot of people have. Then your trying to stay clean(props for you) and i know its tough, then on top of that its getting hard to find GOOD friends, then depression:/ Fuck i know dude! i understand you, your not alone. If your emotional its ok, don't listen to negative things people have to say, you have your reasons. My advice for you is focus on what will take you farther in life not slower. Your doing a good job by staying healthy, eating right, and exercising, Is actually good way to help depression. Keep your mind occupied with positive goals and always look forward to something. Little by little you will make progress and it will become easier. Your an artist that is very good. Follow up on that. I'd like to see some of your art work some day. Hey don't let all theses struggles take you down, its nothing you can't handle, im sure because your on your way and you have a lot of go things ahead. Get in touch with your spirituality man! Hope this helps Good luck
Thank you for your kind words relating to my current situation! I have to get some things done for school at the moment, but I'll try and post some of my newest art up here soon.
also i would suggest being in nature more often, try taking up meditation & getting into a service of some kind...like environmental or political. I understand feeling lonely and isolated sometimes. Don't forget to nurture your spirit as well as your mind.
So many struggles my friend. Good news and bad news. The good is you will grow from them. Keep at it. The bad, more will come. Life is life, for better or worse. We can't predict the pain or pleasure coming to us. But the more you go through and survive, the stronger you become. You're very young Your twenties will be a much different time. You will grow and not even realize, but keep going. You're just getting started.
