Is this hocd please help meee

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and am really distressed right now so please please help me im dying on the inside. please take the time to read this and help me!!

I am 19 years old and a girl and this whole hocd thing started for me about 5 months ago and since then its been a living hell- 24/7 questioning. literally. one second can not go by with me pondering my sexuality. and nothing will stop my thoughts, not even constant reassurance. and im starting to wonder if it is even hocd at all. okay here is my story- i have alwaysss identified as straight and have had numerous intense crushes on guys. like i was literally boy crazy and would check out guys everywhere and i can remember having crushes on guys since i was in kindergarten, and i would always get butterflies around guys, get dressed to impress guys, fantasize about being in relationships with guys, get nervous and excited to see a certain guy, and almost base my happiness off of guys liking me. i am also a complete hopeless romantic and love the thought of falling in love.. with a man. i get turned on when guys touch me and i love touching and flirting with guys. when im drunk i literally can not stop myself from hooking up with guys and once i start kissing them i get super turned on and cant stop from going all the way. its gotten to the point where i have had to stop drinking so much so i wouldnt put myself in unsafe sexual situations all the time with guys. anyways, on the other hand- ive never had a boyfriend. ive liked lots of guys but those guys just never liked me, and i dont like the guys that like me in return. i think this never having a boyfriend is really fueling my hocd. if thats even what it is. also my standards are really high and i dont want to date anyone that i just kind of like. ive never done anything with a girl, never made out when i was drunk, never had a desire to get closer to a girl in a romantic way, never looked at a girl in more than a platonic way. however, when i was in middle school i did some sexual things with my neighbor but i dont think i liked it or was 100% comfortable with it. i also really liked watching lesbian porn in middle school and didnt really like straight porn and i got in this super sexual phase where i masterbated all the time and had lots of sexual cravings. im pretty sure i fantasized about being with a girl but i never acted on it and those fantasies stopped. (also substance that hocd loves to thrive off of). thinking about girls does indeed turn me on i wont lie, but i dont really enjoy it and im not thinking about a specific girl or friend, its just generic. it feels soo weird fantasizing about being with a friend that i cant even do it. i also have never ever fantasized about falling in love with a girl. that is just weird to me. anyways, i really crushed on this guy for about 2 months at the beginning of this school year and we hooked up and i was all excited that something was going to work out but it never did and he didnt like me and i pretty much just gave up on guys after that. i lost all hope of finding anyone and kind of went into a depression about the fact that i would never like a guy or a guy would never like me. from there these thoughts that i was a lesbian popped up. it horrified me and i started feeling really awkward around all my friends cause i thought "oh shit i must like them cause im a lesbian" but it was my thoughts just talking not me and i got so anxious about it. and then i would come to my senses and realize i didnt like them at all. and i never thought of them in that way beforehand. then i found out this girl in my dorm was a lesbian and my mind was like "oh you will probably like her now" and i got all scared that i was going to be attracted to her and i had this image of me going to her room when i was drunk or something and trying to hook up. (still havent done that). UGGG and now its gotten to the point where i feel like ive lost all sexual/romantic attraction to men. i just give up because i know they wont like me or i wont like them and also the hocd is saying i am lesbian anyways. and i dont even get anxiety anymore about the thoughts and that scares me even more. i just kind of ponder them every second of the day and ive been looking at lesbain/coming out stories and it horrifies me to think i might have to do that and today i felt like saying to my mom "hey i might be lesbian" but i couldnt do it becuse it would be sooo weirdddddd. and i dont want to be lesbian i want to like men and check out men like i used to and have hope and desire for a relationship. my hocd is telling me this is something i have always wanted and i have been gay all along. but how could i be i mean i think i genuinly liked guys and thought guys were hot. and i know im prone to obsessive thoughts because for the past year i have been obsessing about everything. from existential anxiety to going insane to questioning every thought inside of me. its horrible. finding an hocd forum made me feel better for like an hour and then i went right back to checking if i was attracted to girls. and now it seems as though im forcing myself to look at guys. but when i actually relax i naturally look at guys. I HATE THIS. ive been trying to accept the fact that i am lesbian now but it seems so weird and i dont really want it. deep down i just want a loving guy and feel comfortable with him and sexual but i dont know if it will ever come. and i cant even think of the kind of guy i want anymore i dont even know whta i want in a guy. and this has all been coupled with extreme anxiety and depression and pretty much the worse time in my life and i feel so isolated from my family cause they alwyas ask me what im thinking about or obsessing about or having racing thoughts about but i cant tell them cause i dont wnat them to thik differently about me and now im afraid when i talk to my friend on the phone they think im lesbian. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate this. my whole life i have wanted to fall in love all romantically and now i feel like my mind is preventing me from doing this. also i cant ever open up around guys i like i just get all nervous and shut off and this also is fueling my hocd. is it hocd?????????? sorry this is so long. pleaes help

 

maybe just take things for what they are... ppl who think too much generally read a lot into situations...

when it comes to sexual feelings.. i tend not to try and lable too much.. go with what your feeling..

sorry.. prolly dont help ya much.. but i'm awful at advice anyway.. but i will tell u good luck.. and i too am a hopeless romantic.. hoping my one true sweetheart will cross my path someday...

 

alright so you're emotionally damaged because you've had numerous sexual encounters with men but never had a real relationship. This is no way makes you a lesbian. It's great that you have this super active sex drive.. but when guys find out you're the girl that just sleeps around.. they don't take you seriously..thus preventing any relationship from forming.

Try focusing on something else other than you're sexuality for awhile, and when you see a boy you like.. try getting to know him a little better...and wait until you're in a relationship with that boy before you put out.

Let your mind breath for awhile!