Please let me know what you think of this. I've been mulling over it for years. I'm very much in love with a boy (let's call him John). John was best friends with my boyfriend (let's call him Bob) at the time (now ex; he's a horrible person). Bob is bisexual and when we got on the topic, he told me that he had had sexual encounters with a few guys already, and told me most of them except one. I eventually guessed that John was one of them. I asked Bob to tell me about the encounter, since I never would have guessed that John is gay/bi. He told me that John is very secretive about his sexuality, never admits being gay/bi, never admits liking it, never talks about what they did together, etc. Basically he was in denial about all of it. Bob talked me into having a threesome with him and John, but his ulterior motive was to come onto John. He even told me "He's gonna pretend like he doesn't like it, but he really does." Later, Bob told me that John was molested by an older male cousin when he was around 9 or 10 and is extremely traumatized by it. Bob is a really pushy, selfish person and when he told me about the encounter, he made it seem like John was secretly in love with him and wanted all of the things Bob did to him. Apparently, he reciprocated sometimes, but stopped with time. I didn't know much about the situation and agreed with Bob at the time - that because John associates gay experiences with being molested, he will never admit that he actually enjoys a gay experience with someone else. This is also why he reaffirms all the time that he's straight and avoids talking about it. I tried talking to him about it, believing that he was actually gay and hiding it, and insinuated it during the conversation. He got so hurt and angry that we didn't talk for a couple months. Later, as time passed, I realized that Bob is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. I talked to John about the molestation experience and about his experiences with Bob, and he said that he never wanted any of the things he did with Bob. I asked him why he did it, and he said, "Well it happened once before against my will. There was no use in stopping it. I thought, 'what harm could it do'?" He also puts on a constant facade of being happy and kind of a douchebag, but whenever he gets vulnerable from drinking, he lets out his emotions. Once he cried for a long time and told me he doesn't deserve to be loved by anyone. I started reading online about sexual abuse, and everything seems the exact opposite. I read several articles about how victims often feel unworthy of anyone's love, and John felt exactly that way. And as for his relations with Bob, instead of pretending not to like them because of associations with the past, I'm starting to think that he only let it happen BECAUSE of his past...because the experience made him vulnerable. He told me he never wanted to do that again because it brought him back to his negative memories from the past. I guess I'm typing all of this out because I'm madly in love with him and can't tell if he's gay or not. Based on all of the things I've read online and what he told me himself, he's definitely not and the things that happened with Bob, which Bob claimed were voluntary and reciprocal, were actually just John being taken advantage of in the worst way. But I really can't know...and I don't think he'd ever tell me if he WAS gay. Can anyone offer some insight? Do you know of any similar situations where boys were molested by older males and their future sexual experiences? The situation makes me really sad, and I wish I could help him.
You must asume John has been hurt deeply. Respect his statement that he did not want "Bobs" sexual attention. Johns statement about letting it happen is an example of "boundary issues". Often victims feel just as John said, its already happened against my will...what does it matter how I feel. In my professional work as a therapist I work with paroled sex offenders. Many of these men were victims of sexual abuse as boys. Some have been harmed so severely thay will never have a healthy happy sex life. However, not all victims of abuse are the same. Many are traumatized but can move on to have meaningful relationships. Others get "stuck" at around the emotional age that they were when the abuse occurred. John would benefit from competent professional therapy but many men are reluctant to seek help. As someone who loves him perhaps you can help him to seek out therapy. A decent human being would never take advantage of his past trauma for their own sexual gratification. Stick by this guy because he needs someone who cares for him and respects him, not because he is a potential sexual partner. You could make make all the differnce in the world for him simply by respecting him. And you are right about Bob...he is a real piece of shit for taking advantage of someones vulnerability like that.
You have to consider all perspectives and consider the polar opposite of all the assumptions you have made. When it to comes to John you have assumed he was molested by 1. A Male 2. Cousin 3. At around 9 or 10 4. Against his will Think about it, why do you assume one or any of these to be true? What if it was a younger female cousin against his will? Thats not possible right? cos that can only happen if physically forced. Rolleyes What if its guilt about him forcing himself on a younger female What if it was an adult aunt he otherwise wants to protect What if it was actually his dad What if it wasnt 9 or 10, it was a lot younger and he cant even really remember who it was, or cant even really be sure if. Such is the trouble with this kind of thing, a lot of the time smokescreens are sent up to protect the real perp, or to hide the fact that the victim may indeed actually be the perp, or that it happened at an age so young the victim cant even trust their own memory. Its just as likely John wants to put on a public hetero persona to reaffirm to himself and the world that an early encounter with a female didnt affect him. Or it could have been a male cousin when he was 9 or 10
I think Yarapario gave the best insight and even added that "not all victims of abuse are the same. Many are traumatized but can move on to have meaningful relationships." I have a friend who is bi and very sexual. First had sex with him at his wife's invitation to fulfill something she could not. He is 30 years younger than me and likes older guys as well as younger. He is quite open about being molested at a young age by both male and female family members and says he got into enjoying it. Now he is very sexual, enjoys sex with men but seeks a female partner since separating from his wife. I sense that he does have some problems, they manifest as extreme passion but overall he is well adjusted. As for John, you should probably consider Yarapario's advice if you think his story is sincere. (Do we ever know the truth about anyone else?) He probably needs a friend who will not take sexual advantage of his situation.
The last thing I'd want to do is take advantage of him sexually. Honestly I could be happy just being with him and holding his hand for the rest of my life. I've tried to let him know how much I care about him, but since I went about trying to help him the wrong way (and did more harm than good without realizing it) I'm not sure he fully understands it. But we talked about it once and I apologized deeply for misunderstanding his situation and I think he's forgiven me. I wish he'd go to therapy but he only gets angry when someone suggests it. He denies that he has any kind of problem. What he does is let down his guard very rarely, tell me disturbing things about his life and past, and then once the portal closes, he pretends like he's totally fine and no one has any reason to worry. The only thing I can do is stick by him and love him. Is it a good idea for me to tell him that I'm in love with him? I really want to try again with him.
I think I'd show him how much I loved him without putting it into words just yet. When you're there being a friend and a buddy through good times and bad he'll understand that he is loved. Often abuse victims have major problems trusting people so words aren't as effective as actions. Don't worry about the therapy thing...he has to be ready and apparently he isn't. Give it time. Just being a trustworthy friend who loves him for himself is damn good medicine. You also gotta realize he may have no idea of his sexuality so keep your heart strong if he decides he's straight. Hearing about your love and concern for him says a lot about you. Good luck to both of you.
I think he knows I love him/care about him platonically but not romantically. I'm not sure how to show that without words.
He may not be ready for romantic love...start slow and let your gut sense tell you if it's OK to even consider expressing romantic love. Seeing him as a friend and not a lover may be the way he needs to develop trust that you respect him. Once he understands that respect, he might be ready to trust more in the relationship...or maybe not. But you've stated just being his friend and holding his hand would make you happy...perhaps thats all he can handle. Dealing with people who have been sexually abused is tricky as hell. Sometimes the vulnerability of an abused person makes them appear very desirable...sometimes the abused person loses all sense of protecting their own boundaries and they end up doing things they later regret. Just as a wild-assed thought...maybe it would help if you sought some counselling on how to best be there for him. Not sure about that. He might see it as really respecting him and give him encouragement to get help himself. The flipside might be that he sees it as an insult cause you think he's fucked up. First things first...work on your communication with him. This could be a real powerful experience for both of you.
About two years ago when I first fell in love with him, he most definitely was NOT ready for romantic love. Lately, he seems to really be doing better. He finally has some semblance of a sense of self-worth and he's been thinking about relationships. Obviously he's not healed and perfect, but I think right now he'd be able to accept my love. I might be wrong about this, though. I want to be with him so badly, it just makes me cry. I dream about him almost every night. =/ What's wrong with me?
Doesn't sound like anything is wrong with you. Loving someone stirs up all flavors of emotions. Know yourself really well and you'll be better able to help him find what he needs. Just be strong enough for yourself that you could accept it if he isn't ready for a relationship. Just can't get enough kindness, respect and understanding in the situation you are in.
