I would like a critique of this. I know that it reads more like a song than a poem, and I know it might lack any and all hallmarks of good poetry. Be as nasty as you want as long as you're honest. White-collar men and their dog collar wives Are singing sweet sin as the policeman eats his gun We walk around the town and we plan to burn it down 'Cause New York went to Hell and your heart is having fun We talk out of our cars as their glass reflects the stars They are scattered like flecks of paint You wept when Momma died though you laughed in an aside Again, I'm drawn and quartered: you're a saint Lovely little daughters and the famed prodigal sons Are holding onto dreams though their thoughts are hazy I clasp another devil and you kiss another rebel 'Cause Paris went to Hell and your limbs are lazy We look up to the lights where we'll flicker for the night They are mirrored in the water on the street You try to make me calm with my forehead on your palm Again, we'll swallow something incomplete Tabletop men and piano wire girls Are resting downstairs with the sweet and bitter air I swing my shorter leg and stumble to the bed 'Cause London went to Hell and the Sun is in your hair The liquor's feeling evil like our neighbors on the needle We're scattered from the window to the door You try to feed your fire and I'm exactly that much higher Again, you'll rest your head upon the floor
This is quite well done, aside from a few hiccoughs in the metre. The imagery and flow are great, and you've managed to use a pretty complex rhyme scheme without forcing the rhymes. I'm very impressed, and I'm certainly not one of those people who compliments all the work in here.
Thanks; my main goal in poetry is to play with the language and still get a message across, so I tend to go crazy with rhyme, alliteration, and all sorts of wordplay. I've probably written hundreds of poems and only one or two of them have been free verse because, while I love reading free verse poetry, I don't care too much for writing it. If someone says a poem of mine is meaningless, I'm not so hurt, but I appreciate it highly when someone comments that I've played with the sounds and the flow of words without breaking the English language.
