Cause for concern? A peak into a curious mind.

Before I start, I warn you, this is going to be a long one.

I posted here a few months ago asking about one of my friend's bad trips, and now I'm in a similar position. I suppose I can be blamed for getting my friends into psychedelics, and I'm really starting to regret it.

My room mate has been pretty off lately. Over the last few months he's done DOI once, shrooms 3 or 4 times (unless he's not telling me about the others), and n-nDMT two weeks ago (and broke through).

Well, he left a notebook out that I haven't seen before tonight after he went to work. I opened it and found some pretty disturbing shit. I'm going to transcribe the first three pages and see what you guys think. I'm not really sure who to bring this to or if it's even necessary to make a big deal out of it, but you all were a huge help last time, so I figured this would be a good place to start. I would bring it to him, but if it's not necessary then I'd like to avoid letting him know that I was going through his things.

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(Page 1. This is accompanied by some pretty outlandish drawings and sketches throughout the page.)

Reality seems so fleeting
so fragile
unknown
there is more
must be
crude attempts to understand
to grasp and control
we are at a loss
we are lost
these thoughts try to attain relevance
but are a barren well
we are so unaware and confused
lost to our own consciousness
accident? purposeful? meaning?
are we meant to see?
do we want to see?
life is allusion to the greater
why try?
what is there in knowledge?
is knowledge the illusion?
self importance reigns
repugnant creatures
tyrannical uncertainty
I must open the valves
but I've lost it
all
certainty is the father of doubt
please
show
me
your
faces

(Page 2 and 3. This is just one large block of text)

It's all just a ride. Some are unaware, some are and don't acknowledge, and some embrace it. I know which one I am, but I don't know which I should be. The contradiction is unfathomable in my opinion. Who the fuck wants to do this? Who WANTS to be on this ride? I dont...
It's beginning to become too much. It's all sort of spiraling in on itself. There's no end to the incessant analysis and pondering. I feel like I'm losing myself a little bit every time something like this happens. I truly have no shelter left now. Where the hell do I turn? To whom? I'm doing it as I lay here. The constant rapid-fire thought process by which I have begun to analyze the world around me is quickly running its course of usefulness before I can truly benefit, or see if there is any benefit to be had. I have to re-read my own fucking thoughts just to get a hold of them and continue to think linearly. There is a clear sense of utter helplessness that arises when I try to face this shit.

WHY? (in large letters with a very strange question mark)

Am I going insane? I think I hit it all too hard too fast. My intellect can only stand up to so much in a certain period of time. It's as if I need an isolation tank for my mind. Somewhere where I can be completely void of curiosity if only for a while. Should I go back to believing my eyes? My ears? I don't know if I can close my mind again.
I feel as if I could write a book with the thoughts floating in my head. No, a fucking library. There doesn't seem to be any way to gain ground with this issue aside from immersing myself even deeper. I fear if I do this, I won't come back from the edge.. but if I don't, I feel like this constant state of immersive thought will never end. It's not answers I seek, yet I have so many questions. I just want to be at peace with reality, or the lack there of.
Who is God? I don't mean the god of man, I mean the underlying heart beat of everything. The energy that keeps all things in... I can't think. It's a fucking thought loop. I'm stuck in an infinite loop of bullshit. I want my mediocrity back.

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I feel terrible bringing this here, but he shouldn't be talking like this when he's NOT tripping... I also have no clue as to what the "something" is he is talking about.

Any words of wisdom on this one? I have done my fair share of psychedelics, and a lot of this makes sense to me, but it seems to be a little out of hand.

 

i didn't even read this
because it's none of my business
it's your friend's personal writing

 

Yeah, I know. I would prefer to bring this to light in the anonymous way that the interwebz allows me to, however; rather than let the potential for it to spiral out of control continue to escalate. Because if it does, it's my fault. I introduced him to this new world, and I can't allow him to lose himself to it.

 

See if you guys can find some different recreational activity to do for awhile. Some activity to occupy your guys minds for awhile. You will slowly go back to 'normal' over time. Maybe start reading a bit more, exercise, find other forms of elation and enlightenment.

 

I actually find it to be quite beautiful.

Page 1 sounds like some sort of psychedelic poetry, almost, and the rest of it is just lots of thoughts and emotions most people have, but we are unable to put into words.

 

That's precisely what worries me, guerilla. He is an extremely active person in nearly all respects to begin with. He is well balanced, intelligent, and grounded. This is very, VERY unlike him.

Furthermore, we don't indulge in these experiences often. Not to mention, I'm not always the person he does it with, and I can't tell him to stop. We have been mates for nearly a decade, and we agreed a long time ago that neither of us would ever criticize the other's life choices, regardless of their drawbacks.

 

Sounds much like many of my scribblings and ponderings when I would slip into my power tripping mode and go for weeks eating ten strip after ten strip.

I wouldn't be too concerned, were I you, if anything I'd wonder more why I myself wasn't pondering these very same things unless of course I was merely using hallucinogens as some sort of party drug.

:cheers2:

Of course by all means, be a friend and keep an eye on him, try to make sure he doesn't get sucked into the black vortex of Nihilistic pessimism.

In fact, perhaps if he's so intent on using frequently, introduce him to morning glory or HBWR extracts as it's a bit easier to moderate ones dosage and most folks are usually less overwhelmed by the effects it seems. Or just go for the LSD if you can find a good source.

 

yeah me too

i find everything but page 1 slightly disturbing cuz i didnt quite realize that there are many others in the same place as me. his writing sounds a bit more strenuous from what i would write but still. makes me feel better to know there are others in the same thing though, so if this is ever brought up somehow, u should let him know hes not alone.

"It's as if I need an isolation tank for my mind. Somewhere where I can be completely void of curiosity if only for a while."
I think the exact same thing. like i want a reset button, not to erase memory or anything, but just to stop everything for a bit. and sleep doesnt scratch that itch.

i find that the interesting thing about why someone goes down this rabbit hole so to speak, is for some kind of resolution of some kind. when people are continually in the act of pursuing, i dont think they are resolving. when it comes to rabbit holes, you can make it as long as you can, so we just gotta learn how to back off appropriately. the thing that helps me: stay busy. try that with your friend. and sorry for the unnecessarily long post. i just kinda wanted someone to know

 

I ponder these things fairly often, it's just that I can stop pondering when I choose to, lol. It would appear that he can't.

And as a side note, I experience a distinct sense distaste when I see people popping acid tabs and going to the club...

 

Don't apologize, I greatly appreciate the input and the insight. Now I know that it's not as abnormal as I thought it to be.

 

I actually think constant pursuit is a good thing. We don't need a resolution and we don't need answers. The questions are what drive us to experience new things and to live life so fully, and we rarely find the answers we're looking for, but the things we experience along the way are amazing.

 

im not sure about everybody else but i dont explore the world when im critically questioning life and all that. the resolving action is not looking for answers necessarily(pursuing), its just leaving the rabbit hole alone since i dont think there are many definite answers in the rabbit hole so i would think that'd make people go out in the world more. like i dont mean resolving as if giving up on everything.

 

I'm not specifically referring to the rabit hole though; I'm talking about life, as a whole, but the rabit hole is definitely a part of it.

There are no definite answers anyway. Any answers we may find aren't really concrete. Throughout our lives, our feelings surrounding different things are always changing, so the answers end up losing their meaning and/or changing, but the questions remain the same.

 

What you find disturbing isn't disturbing for everyone. I've written some things that make me sound like a batshit insane serial killer, but it's just expression. These are things your friend wrote in private, and it's writing, so trying to speculate on what it could all mean is just doing you and your friend a disservice.

 

yeah i agree

 

read some books, specifically philosophy/spirituality. they can reassure you of certain ideas, and open you up to new ones.

 

Now that's Rep-worthy. :cheers2:

 

how the hell is this bad? its great writing, alot like the stuff i would write when i'm tripping.

 

Well, for one, he wasn't tripping when he wrote it. It's not so much the writing itself but his change in demeanor that has worried me. The writing only confirmed my suspicion of a pretty sudden and drastic change in his perspective. I believe this thought process to be very healthy over time and in small doses, not to the point where he can't sleep at night because he is in a state of continuous deep thought when his mind isn't busy with other tasks. He woke me up last night and asked me if I had anything to help him sleep, explaining that he hadn't had more than a few hours of sleep in over a week.

Oh, and Vapor. I minor in philosophy.

 

I can relate to that on so many levels. I have an insane amount of trouble in sleeping, due to not being able to turn my thoughts off. I have heard this referred to as "psychophysiological insomnia".