So here's the problem, I'll try to sum it up. my best friend is a man-whore. He is never without a girlfriend for very long, and more often than not will cheat on the girl he's with. He is the total opposite of me in the sense that he will be more than happy to sit up all night texting a girl whatever nonsense she wants to hear if it gets him laid. Also he seems to have his best luck going after virgins so he has taken a few V-cards. I am the opposite. When I want to have sex with a girl but know damn well I'm not looking to be in a relationship. I say pretty much that. I'll be friendly, I'll be nice, and if she's down to hook up then it is what it is. But I have real short fuse for drama. My last girlfriends had turned out to be mind-fucks and since then I can't bring myself to play these stupid little relationship games. The calling/texting me every 5 minutes about unimportant shit. The fighting and making up. The worrying, the jealousy. I just wasn't down for it, and I have never taken anyone's virginity. anyway, I never talked to his ex girlfriends. We just never got along. Not to sound like a dick but partly because I felt like they must be idiots for dating him. I mean either these girls just didn't have any self respect or any idea who they were dating. Either way I needed no part. but here's where it get's interesting. I'm a frequent ganja smoker and so is my friend. none of his old girls were cool with it but this new one was. I knew who she was before they were dating but never really talked to her before. anyway she ends up being pretty cool so for the first time he's got a girl who I actually don't mind, so were all chilling. early on in the relationship she gets wise to his act and realizes he's not entirely faithful and breaks up with him. (after a long time of trying to get me to admit he did something, which I told her...listen I'm sorry but I couldn't tell you if he is or isn't. I don't know and even if I did he's my best friend I can't just turn him over to you.) but she gets the idea and dumps him. we are still cool so i smoke her out to make her feel better Don't get me wrong my boy still comes first but as an uninvolved friend I chilled with her solo. He said he's cool with it, so I didn't care We get along really well, and soon enough me and her are hooking up. then comes the realization....shes a virgin too. I didn't get it then, but looking back....makes sense. She seems on the verge about weather or not she wants to have sex. So me trying to be a decent guy, I make my intentions clear. I'm like...listen I like you, your really cool, but I think if we have sex your going to end up attached to me, and I'm really not at a point where I want a relationship. If it was just sex or just fooling around, I would, but I don't want to make it seem a certain way if it isn't. I got a very mixed response. She seemed appreciative of my honesty, but at the same time got the hint and declined sex. now I knew this would happen but didn't care at the time. but my friend pulls his im sorry routine and eventually coaxes her back. One night they get drunk and have sex. (I wasn't there but trust me...that was his plan) and end up back together. Fine. a month later or so he invites me to a party with him and her. by the time I get there they are both plastered. He's doing shots of vodka with like 10 people in the kitchen and shes outside like 7 or 8 drinks deep chain smoking cigarettes. I say hi, but quickly get the impression somethings wrong. She tells me to go away, and i see her sitting next to some dude whos trying to comfort her as she cries drunk to him about something. later that night she's wasted and comes up to me and starts spilling her guts about how she really liked me, and wishes she would have taken my offer instead of losing it to him, and that it would have been better off. and what a big mistake she made. I was drunk too but I'm a very level headed drunk. I'm trying to comfort her..but I'm speechless. Your here at a party with my best friend telling me you love me not him. Like.....I don't know what the right thing to say is in this situation. I felt for her, but now I'm in a tough spot. She like puts her hands up my shirt and is hugging me and crying , drunk to say the least. and my friend comes outside and see's. Im standing there with my hands at my sides like.....sorry bro but i dont know what the fuck to do, should I push her off? he goes inside and that night im trying to pass out on this kids couch and here comes the girl, lays next to me on the couch, and starts kissing me. So Not knowing what to do I say im going to the bathroom and she should stay there, but really i sneak over to another empty couch in another room and try to get some shut eye. doesn't last long. she finds me and lays back on me. This was kind of the last straw. I mean I made my intentions clear. Your putting me in a position to be at odds with my best friend and WORST OF ALL, its 4 oclock in the fucking morning, Im drunk and you wont let me sleep. I get up and leave. Its now 5.am and im driving home somewhere between still drunk and hungover so i can get some sleep. now after all this I didn't know what to expect. they seemed to write it off as a WASTED night and were apparently back together the next day. 5 or 6 months have passed since then. things are back to the way they were. all 3 of us chill. for the most part we forget that whole thing happened but sometimes she'll talk openly about when she 'used to like me' I've done alot of growing and so has she. She is way more chill and emotionally intact. I have gotten over my not wanting to commit thing and have been actively scouting for a girlfriend. I want someone who doesn't mind that I smoke. Isn't a naggy bitch, and someone with whom I get along well and have great sex with frequently, is friendly and of whom i will not be embarrassed to introduce to my mom. to no avail.....the girls who fit that category all seem to be taken or much older than me. (I'm 20) Now the coup de gras. SHE fits that catagory. Perfectly. lately..whenever I'm with them...I'm jealous. She has turned into everything I've been looking for. now listen. I havn't said or done anything, because she's my best friends girl. He's switched his act up a bit and seems like he's going to continue to be faithful. We'll see. But....I don't know if she's happy. I can't tell. I know they will eventually break up. I'm not usually wrong about these things. She seems to slowly be getting sick of him. In my honest opinion he doesn't deserve her. She is a giver and he is a taker. If i knew then what I know now. I think I would have done it. Ideally it would be the same situation it is now only I would be with her instead, and he would most likely have moved on to a new girl by now. But they have been together like 9 or 10 months now. I mean..I'll be the first to admit my best friend is a selfish prick, but the fact remains, he IS my best friend. We have been through hell and high water together, and I know I'd regret it in the long run if I sold him out for some chick. But when I think about how he got her, and the bullshit he's probably said about me to her to make himself look better, I get half a mind to just tell her, because I think she may still have feelings for me. This situation is fucked. Even if they break up without me doing anything.....how can I date her after him? Did I do the right thing? What would you have done/do. I'm really messed up over this because I feel like I maybe made a huge mistake....but who knows? oppinions?
You did the right thing for you at the time, and so did he. Now it's a bit late to worry yourself, it's been a damn year. Worry about what happens when they break up after they've broken up.
Take it as a learning experience. Try to forget it and move on. Everyone blows opportunities with girls when they're young... god knows I've blown quite a few. Try not to beat yourself up over it, and learn to take advantage of your opportunities in the future. With regards to your "best friend" on the other hand. You don't make him sound like much of a friend. You certainly don't seem to have much respect for him (or vice versa it seems). I can't be friends with someone I don't respect. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate who your "true" friends really are.
I would let it be. If she isn't happy, she'll leave the relationship. He is your bestfriend. You keep saying "She is what I want, she fits the characteristics I want" but how do you feel about her? Wait until they break up, on their own time, and if you still feel the same way about her, talk to your bf first about her. If he says no, than you have to make the choice as to who is more important. But I wouldn't act while they are still together.
I can see why you would say this, as I have presented it that way. The point I'm trying to make is that, as my best friend, He is loyal, we have been like brothers since the 7th grade. But as a man in a relationship he is not as admirable. I have learned to accept him for who he is, but this is because I am a male with no attraction or emotional ties to him. But If I were a female, he would not be able to get the time of day from me. If i thought he really loved this girl the thought of coming between them would never cross my mind. But As i said before, It only bothers me because I know if I would have taken her, he'd be over it and onto a new girl by now. Me on the other hand..I don't move so fast. She wanted me and seems to have settled for him. Human emotional sentiment is insipid and arbitrary. why can't I just be content with some other girl? It always the ones just beyond reach. Or the ones I know I should stay away from.
That's the way it goes. You tend to want something more when you know you can't have it. Happens all the time with relationships. How many times do you see someone not appreciate their partner, etc... they break it off, and then when they see their ex with someone else they can't handle it, feel like they made a big mistake, and want them back. Again, what strikes me is that you say... if you "thought" he loved her. If this is your best friend, you think you of all people should know! My best friend talks to me and ask me advice on his relationships all the time. If he wasn't serious about a relationship (or unhappy, etc) believe me, I'd know. It just seems as though the friendship that you claim is so close between you two, isn't as close as you think. This is the impression your posts give. BTW, 10 months is a LONG time to be in a monogomous relationship with someone you don't care about.
You say this, but it reads above like he turned over a new leaf. You're the one scheming after they've been together a year.
I find it strange that you would confuse codependency with loyalty. What gives you the impression of dependence? It is just...to be honest like it's been pointed out, even though this is a long term friendship, lately I've been second guessing how much he's actually worth to me. I have always thought of us as a team, but lately I'm noticing his endeavors all end at personal gain. Which is why I'm questioning myself. On the other hand, relationships don't always last. It always looks like it will be so much better than it actually is, so I'm just worried I'm going to give in and, chose her over him and regret it later down the road.
He may not deserve her, but if you ask me, she deserves him. What she did to him and you while drunk is just as bad as his playing and cheating - sure, she was drunk but it was still her - there's no justification for it. She is selfish, just like him. You are better than her. You say she's grown up but I'm not buying it. The "remember when I used to like you?" sounds way too much like shit stirring and game playing to me. You didn't do anything wrong except for having a soft heart. You like her, sure but don't forget that she was ready to cheat on him and come between you guys for her own selfish reasons. I was a little younger than you when I found my girl, but I had the same attitude. None of the girls around me were available, likable, or willing to accept me. I had a girl a few years back that liked me the whole time I liked her and I fucked things up. I didn't know if I'd ever find love, and at one point I even gave into the darkness of my heart. I said "fuck love" and decided to just aim for sex (was a virgin) and focus on myself. This chick adds me on Myspace after seeing me at work and on a coworker of mine/friend of her's page. Pics didn't look too good and I almost didn't add her. But, she lived in the city and I didn't really know too many chicks. Turns out this girl is fucking awesome, and those pictures were terrible anyways. I've been dating her for three years and am majorly in love. Really, I can admit that I may be wrong about her, maybe she really has grown up - but I agree with you a hundred percent that if you do anything about it now you could really regret it. You've been good so far, don't fuck it up now - you can't always go back. If she finds the relationship isn't working for her anymore (or he does), then you can go after her when they break up. But as long as you remain good, I know you will be able to find a good relationship - and she really does seem too average for you.
wow. good for you man. I guess the right girls are like Lucy. You can't look for them. Just have to wait.... It just sucks because due to my distaste for relationship drama, I may have burned alot of bridges. Sometimes I think I need to lower my standards, but I feel like as soon as I do, and just settle for whoever, in will walk that right girl and I will have fucked it up by being with another girl at the time. but how long can I wait? I haven't had a full fledged girlfriend in about 2 years. I mean one night stands yeah, but not a real relationship. its frustrating.
Well, what exactly are your standards? I felt the same way and did decide to take away my standards completely, and by pure luck did I avoid becoming your everyday fucker, and find the girl of my dreams. Three years -we've never had a fight. I think about all the other people I could have ended up with if she didn't find me, and how many of those potential relationships could I have said that same thing (prolly none) and realize she's my angel. I'm with you on the drama, bro. I do often get myself into drama here, but I don't dig drama too much at all, it's why our world is so shit - and I don't want to participate it. A romantic relationship should be one's shelter from the worldly problems, not an extension of it.
well my standards or more or less what I stated above, but I guess what I actually mean is, there are some girls that you connect with and think about 24/7. like, making poor decisions because your in love kind of deal. then there are girls who you can tolerate enough to have a consistent sexual partner and fill the void that comes with being alone...but the connection isnt there. i don't know. I'm not even sure what I want at this point.
There are girls that are both, trust me. Of course my girl has some flaws but I know her to be a good, considerate, well-meaning person - she's loyal and she loves me for me. She doesn't have the most intellectual mind - she doesn't think as much as me - but she's smart and even in these days; she actually has good taste! I've been with her for three years now and I still miss her when she isn't right next to me. I still long to be with her every second that we aren't. Our sex is still mostly always both passionate and loving. It's weird, I used to think about it as if I feel alone when I'm not with her, now I feel incomplete when I'm not with her - and I just realized it right now. What you basically described is Hollywood's version of love vs TV's version of monogamy. Limerence vs marriage. Romance and companionship can happen at once.Back in the day they called it love. =P
I like your story, it is a perfect example of how life is complicated. I think you did the right thing. 1. brotherhood is more important than a relationship that might not last for too long. 2. Hands off brother's girl 3. Being honest to her unfortunately, she's too young. Girls are not perfect. They make mistake, which is understandable. You are also young, when you getting older you will find out life is just a series of opportunities. You pass one, you are on a different track than before. Girls lose their virginity to jerks, that happens all the time, and she might not be able to appreciate you anymore in the future because she fucked up. You just need to accept the fact, move on. If you two are mean to together, opportunity will present itself later. Be cool, love hurts. Getting hurt, is a major part of growing up.
Thanks. I have decided to just wait it out. Do waht I'm doing. I see them both regularly, and if the pieces to this puzzle fall into place then great. And If not then this particular puzzle is not part of the bigger picture anyway I suppose. :cheers2:
