cousin is a drugged loser

Ok- so today like we had a family reunion at our house. We invited everyone in the family to come down- aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas, everybody to come down and visit each other to celebrate the New Year in 2010. So, me and my cousins were just chilling out in the garage with each other drinking beers and chillin- and next thing we know- we see our 27 year old cousin come outside with some pipe and an empty prescription pill bottle in his hand. Apparently, this guy is also an ex-heroin addict and just recently got out of rehab. We're just sitting here looking at this guy like are you f'ing serious???? How can you sit here and smoke that shit in front of a bunch of little kids that are around? I mean, shit, I wouldn't care if he was smoking weed or something- thats nothing. But you come to my house that we invite you too and you just start smoking that oxycodone shit- thats fucked up. This guy's a fucking jerk and our family should never invite him over again. So, this is to all families out there, if you have someone like this in your family- someone who's a waste of fucking life and does oxycodone or heroin or some shit- just kick their fucking ass for being a disgrace to your family. He's a waste of fucking space, no joke- he's got no job- no nothing- he lives off his fucking wife who does all the work for him- hes useless.

 

wtf.. people like that need love and help.

 

yeah they sure in the hell do!
i always left my mother out of everything. she was one hell of a mean shit-ass when, she got shitfaced drunk!
i was just so ashamed of how she acted and treated everyone!
it just was not right to take her somewhere and, then she would shit on everyone.

 

Someone who hasn't been in your shoes may accuse you of being cold/callous. But brother, dealing with a user/druggie/drunk in the family is so much drama. I've seen lots of dysfunction due to substance abuse/addiction in my family. On one hand, it's given me prime examples of how not to end up. On the other, it makes me sad and angry. Sad because of the person's squandered and wasted potential, and angry because their substance problems have a negative impact on their loved ones. An addict cares number one about satisfying their addictions. It sucks that this happens to people; some people's personalities are more addictive than others, or due to their biochemistry they're more susceptible to becoming addicted to things. I know that the addict is not a happy or healthy person, so I do feel some sympathy in that I hope they can eventually recover and get their lives back, but on the other hand I get mad at some people in the family for the way they act and conduct themselves under the influence. The fact that he smoked a narcotic substance in front of children like it "ain't no thing," is pretty appauling. That's nobody's responsibility to deal with but his own. His wife sounds like a codependent enabler, too. Like she doesn't want to be alone, so she does all the work and supports him to keep him around so she won't have to be alone, even if she can do much better. That's a dangerous way to be for her as well.

I would say you should intervene, but I'm not a hypocrite so I won't tell you to do so. For me, I've defaulted to allowing them to make their bad choices but also setting boundaries. I would simply tell your cousin his behavior at the family gathering was unacceptable, and that he's not welcome to come to future gatherings for the safety of the kids, unless he can prove that he's changed his ways in the future. Sure, there is family love to be considered and he might even try to dangle that in front of you as emotional blackmail, but you have to think about the safety of the kids at a family thing, as well as the sanity of everyone else who's visiting. It's one thing to drink an extra glass of wine to be able to suffer more pinching from aunt Agnes with a smile, but to just flat out be a druggie in front of your family is fucked up and highly dysfunctional...I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

Dude.....Give the man a break....

 

While I do feel bad for the guy, he could at least be doing it somewhere where people can't see him? The shits illegal? Lmao. But seriously, to call him a loser and a waste of space.. bro he's family. I doubt he actually likes being in that position, but once you're on that side of addiction it's hard to just step out.

 

I disagree. I don't think being biological family makes any of that crap excusable. And I don't think biological family is beholden to another family member who decides to behave like that. If he has a drug problem he needs to not display it in front of children, plain and simple. I think the OP is perfectly in his rights to call his cousin out for being a drugged loser, when his cousin is being a drugged loser. It doesn't mean he doesn't LOVE him, it means he is not willing to accept that behavior. I'm sick of this, "well since it's family we have to allow them to behave in any way and not speak ill of them because it's family." Quite frankly, fuck that.

This is coming from a person who's tried the "tolerant and compassionate" approach to my druggie/alkie family members, and had it NOT WORK, they will only change if and when they want to. I've offered to be a source of love and support, but not an enabler. For example, a drunken uncle of mine likes to come to family functions and drink to the point of being blacked out, saying very offensive things and even picking fights with family members. I think he's a loser because he doesn't care how he harms his family. He's demonstrated that several times. I don't think the rest of the family should have to put up with that, I don't think the kids should have to see him in that state, and I'm not a "mean, cold, unloving" person for saying so and wanting the majority of the family to feel comfortable in a visiting situation. I love my uncle, but I don't condone or support his behavior. Love and acceptance of bad behavior are not the same thing.

I know addiction is hard to beat, I'm completely aware of this. That doesn't mean it's impossible. Also I'm sure most addicts get support and love from family, but many of them choose to continue the bad behavior. In fact I think most addicts quit because they lost friends or family members through their bad behavior. An addict's success of getting clean is not totally dependent on whether or not their family was supportive, either.

 

We all have that fuck up in our family. It's pretty pathetic.

 

i believe in loving your fellow man. However unless you have had a family memeber that is a junkie,wether it be from alcahol or herion you just dont know what to do. my last wife is a rageing alkie well as you can see I just let her go her own way..Life has enough drama in it without junkies getting involed just imo

 

I'm sorry man, that's really rough- I've dealt with tons and tons of drug abuse/addiction (to heroin) and alcoholism in my family, and some of it is still even going on.

I would say that most of the suggestions above are good, but in my experience you can't simply write someone off completely OR turn a blind eye to what they're doing. You'll probably never stop caring about your cousin, but this doesn't just affect him- it affects your entire family, and so you of course have to consider everyone.

He probably needs a lot of help, and might be more apt to take it if it was proposed lovingly by his family, rather than accosting him or trying to scare him into getting help. If you try and try to help him (or get help for him), and it doesn't work, and his situation stays the same or gets worse, then you really do have to consider cutting him out; it's unfortunate and extremely painful, but it's sometimes for the best (I had to cut ties with my father for this sorta shit).

Good luck man.

 

Ya it seems like he has some bad habbits but you're not a loyal member of the family either if you're willing to talk so much shit about your own blood and not be willing to help him be a good example for your young cousins.