The expectation of grandchildren.

While I know it's only natural for parents to speculate and imagine their offspring eventually also having offspring, and it's human nature to imagine the future, I don't think it's fair for my parents to keep dropping those little hints about me finding someone and starting a family. I'm 27, never been married, have only had one serious relationship (which is still continual but has changed, see below), not particularly excited by the idea of traditional marriage or nuclear family life, and am about to go back to school. Having children is the last thing on my mind. My mom lately has been talking about "when I get married some day" or "find the right guy and have a family." I've had my dad not so subtly say he "wants grandchildren" and me and my sister should eventually "get to work" on family stuff.

I don't think it's wrong to speculate on how your kids may be when they grow up, or even fantasize a little about grandkids. On the other hand, I do think it's wrong to expect them to have kids, just so you can say your family line continued.

Reasons I may never have kids:

1.) My own psychological disorders and disordered behaviors - I simply don't want to take on caring for another until I've mastered caring for myself. I know that no one is perfect and there are no perfect parents. But I want to make sure that I've "unlearned" certain tendencies I have before I give the wrong example to my offspring.

2.) The idea of giving birth sounds like a most unpleasant and unappealing experience I'd just as soon avoid. I know that's selfish, but them's the breaks.

3.) I don't necessarily think the nuclear family with monogamous parents is the ideal family model for everyone. I lean strongly towards polyamory. I have also managed to build strong friendships that lean towards a familial feeling, and I think family-type relationships can develop with people you find, not just the family you're born into. I feel more accepted, loved, and understood by my closer friends than most of my family. I don't think the family model we've made mainstream into present-day is IT for everyone, and I don't think it's really for me, either. I like the idea of evolving relationships as time goes on, allowing for natural changes in a loving and mature way, not trying to force something over a long period of time. Polyamory can and does include a commitment, but with the allowance that people change over the years and that it is okay.

Other stuff: I live and partner with my best friend, a male, who I have a very brother-like relationship with, although we used to be lovers many years ago and occasionally foray into some (highly protected as to prevent pregnancy) sexual play, which is purely for fun and rarer as time goes on. My point of sharing that is that while it is a part of our relationship, it is not a requirement of its longevity the way we see it. We're very domestic partnerish in our mannerisms, and are in each other's long-term/future life plans - we tend to both happily function in a household together, so why not go with it?

Right now I'm at an ideal place in life to go back to school, which pending all my FAFSA stuff getting approved I will be returning in the Fall. Relatively unattached romantically, not feeling any need or want for a romance at this point in life, and child-free. I'm at the age where it's kind of acceptable to go ahead and start a nuclear family with someone, but I really don't want to.

Also, I don't think the human race is going to die out from lack of having kids, but perhaps we'll suffer and even become extinct from overpopulation issues should we continue on the path we're on. There are plenty of others having kids now, so not all of us urgently need to reproduce in order to propagate the species. If I do end up raising kids, I will most likely want to adopt. There are plenty of unwanted children born, who could benefit from being adopted by compassionate, intelligent, loving people.

So how do I diplomatically tell a pair of parents that I don't intend on having kids and to stop mentioning it? They both know I'm a fan of the philosopher Khalil Gibran's poem that basically details how no one is ever beholden to their parents' expectations and that parents inherently do not have a right to expect anything from their kids in the big picture because your children "are not your children" because you can't actually own your kids. But it's like they think they're not being like that, but they are at least about this issue. I've told my mom time and again that I don't see myself ever being in a fluffy white wedding or even spending my whole life with just one person, let alone having a traditional family, but she and my dad can't seem to let it go.

Parents: I want grandchildren

My sister: I'm a lesbian

Parents: that's ok you can always adopt

My sister: true, but you have to live in the right place to do that without an uphill battle in this country, and I don't even know if I want kids.

Me: I'm attracted to males and I still don't think I want kids.

Parents: FML, I want grandkids and neither of our kids are excited about having kids! Oh noes!

Me: join a mentoring program when you're old if you want to form a bond with a younger person when you're in old age.

Them: but family is important

Me: I agree, but "family" can mean different things to different people, and it means something different to me.

Parents (what I see being their REAL thought process - they would never actually say these things out loud): Even though we tend to hold progressive views on some subjects, and we still love your sister even though she's gay, we still care a bit too much about what the rest of our family thinks about how we raised our offspring, and if at least one of our offspring doesn't conform or perform to tradition, we look like failures, so we want you to have a regular/normal life so we can look like we did something right, and you should be happy doing that for us. You still like boys, why can't you get married and have babies like everyone else? We can see your sister skipping out on kids because she's gay, but you, you like guys so you should ultimately reproduce! Why don't you want to?

That's about where it's at in my life with this issue. Sorry if this was long/rambly, my brain e'splode and I drank a lot of coffee today.

 

Cool post! I was a lot like you are. I too felt the pressure my folks subtly put on me. All my siblings had kids and I was enjoying my 20's and getting a degree and traveling music festivals and bumming around the Continent enjoying youth and freedom. I told myself I was staying kid free till I was 30 and did it! When I had kids with their Mother we were both career oriented and financially stable and had our wild oats sowed. I dont regret or would change anything. Follow your instincts. Parents get insecure in their old age. lol

 

I did not have my first child until I was almost 31 for various reasons. Those really close to me knew why but if anyone asked I always just said I was waiting until I was a grown up. People never knew what to say back and it usually ended the conversation.