Is it as bad as i think?

i wrote this after a bad relationship issue...i dont like it but everyone i read it to says its bangin'. Please be brutaly honest but dont just say "that sucks" i wish to improve ao cunstructive critisism would be appriciated.

Love
Like a true residue of reality
to sustain and with hold ones sanity
feels like you are another nonentity
glimpses of a good life
and what you could have

 

its actually not bad a little short but no bad at all sorta reminds me of a relationship i had about 4 hours ago but thats all gone but anyways nice man

 

thank you man. i intend on writing other stanzas following...all leading with a different emotion i.e. hate, ander, lust ect...just didnt think much of this current starter i had.

 

dont put yourself down man it is an amazing piece of poetry keep writing because you're good at it

 

Thank you for your kind words. I will wright the rest of it and post it

 

welcome man mind if you can give your opinion on my work?

 

not at all man. id love to you give my opinion go for it

 

Here's one of them. There are plenty more on the site just this one i think everyone will understand to a point. It's Called "Darkness within ones soul"

Is there anybody who can save me
Darkness he has my soul
The Lonlieness has killed me
Can anybody save me
I scream for somebody, anybody
to save me from this darkness that has befallen me
I feel love, than its suddenly gone
Like a blink of an eye
The Love and Salvation is gone
As my heart is deteriorating
I'll scream out your name
But please come soon
Because its going fast.
I love you
Will these words allow you to help me
I thought not
Two Decisions one Choice
What will you choose?

 

woah man i like that...really hit me ya dig? mind if i ask why you wrote that? sounds like a hard experience...you could relate that to a few things.

 

i wrote it when i was really depressed on some adderall and i was feeling really bad because my more than friends but not dating type person, me and her were drawing farther and farther from eachother i thought anyways and thats the girl i was talking about in the 2nd reply on this and i just got really depressed cuz i had a very long boring and depressing weekend and i needed someone to save me. The last part of the poem "Two Decisions, one Choice, What will you choose?"refered to us because she had to make a decision between me and her bf than heres a really funny part about it she chose not me or him but another guy but mostly all my poems are about depression and the teenage scene if you want ill let you read more of mine if you lemme read more of yours

 

yea man id love to hear more...unfortunaly i hand write all of mine in a book i have and it got stolen form my locker...i feel like i will one day read a poem i wrote with a different authers name lol...i can relate to the depression teenage scean....just found out my gf cheatedon me biig time. i will write more/try to remember some for you, but id love to hea more

 

yeah man i hand write all mine too and one of my books that had the most epic poem called "The end is over,but the beginning has only begun" it had like 47 parts to it than a 25 something prelude called "The King" then i left it at a friends house one day when i got really stoned and then i never saw it again man it was epic just reply to this when you want to read more of mine

 

id love to hear more of yours now man i just cant garentee il have any in responce for you due to my journal getting stolen. i havnt had a lot of time to write latly so i dont have any in my head, i just remembered that love one..memorized it.

 

you two sound like the same person in your correspondence. just sayin.

 

haha yea we both say man a lot...i see what your saying rambleon..kinda strange but chill

 

lol "but chill" I like you already. Yes, yes, keep writing man.

 

haha thank you man

 

Oh, and to be honest with you I think that your poem in the Op is pretty bad in fact. It's clichéd to the max, offers no new insight to an otherwise beaten down path traveled by scores of other would be poets already and it just sits with no lust or originality at all (and to say nothing of the grammar mistakes).

My advice is to not write about common emotions that are felt by everyone. The standard emotions like, love and hate, for example, are over done so often and mostly used very poorly by teens who think that they have just created something novel. I did not gain or take anything away from reading it other than the feeling of wanting to slam my head into my keyboard.

Keep writing though, I like you.

 

heres another one for you guys wrote this one like a year ago or something dont ask me the inspiration because i have no idea what it was

The Roof:
Let the flames Burn.
The people wandering around.
Doing things just.
So...Unimaginable.
There on the roof.
Just Yelling.
Yelling For Help.
Just for something.
The flames.
They rise.
And burn these people.
Those Poor people.
The People on the Roof.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with Rambleon on this. Don't stray from topics just because they're cliched. The reason they're cliched is because EVERYONE feels them and goes through them, and needs to express them. You're just at the beginning stages of learning how to express them, is all, and I think you're off to a great start.

Both pieces show a lot of potential. Good show!