no, not george washington its harsh rays beaming down casting judgement brutally picks and chooses where it goes the top of your feet, your freckled nose walk along, ignore it's presence it prefers it that way set, rise, another day harsher it gets, as the dumb ones take over colder, warmer, four leaf clover mysteriously runs along the sky come out to play, no, go hide "Use your brain!" it yells at us but we're too blind to listen set, rise, another day sleep through it's show then come out to play troubled souls, stay away reaching what it never has human error, negligence fad their ignorance has taken over it's too late, or is it? "Fix it while you have the chance!" no one cares enough to listen it warned us, dont say you didnt know set, rise, another day melted ice, ashes of bodies we were fairly warned pay attention, we will die when that fire comes no set, no rise, no more days
It's not bad. Seems a bit repetitive in my opinion though, also proper punctuation makes all the difference. The whole GW thing made me not click this topic for about 4 days too. Finally caved. Totally thought it meant George Washington, lol. I like where you're going but a lot of beginner writing can be refined and refined. I know you may be doing just a complete free form so there's no really saying what there is to improve because you're just doing your own thing and spreading the message. Best of luck
You will get some good feedback and well-thought-out criticisms in the poetry forum. This forum is more for fine-art. Check it out here: http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/forumdisplay.php?f=24
I think the second stanza has imagery that is too cryptic and not universal enough. I don't understand why it has both negative seeming things and positive seeming things - really confuses me as the reader and hurts the overall effectiveness of the poem. Also, I agree with whoever posted about the punctuation. Unless you have specific reason not to for the delivery of the poem, always use as proper punctuation as you can (including caps). You're putting all this work into writing out your feelings, but if you want to share them with others, readability and universality is very important to throw some effort into as well. The last line was my favorite, good effective ending that let's the reader know we can't keep electing people like this. (Yet, we did anyways)
