ranting/help. i am just losing my mind!

I have been battling what I think is depression for a couple months now. I experienced this same feeling last year when I didn't have a job and just started college. Now I am having it over my mind state, my values and where I want to go in life. Last year I was just super shy and had no confidence in my self for a while, I had no clue where it went, I constantly would sweat and get these nervous shakes throughout my body. I would try to just relax and breath when they happened, but it never worked. I just kind of lived with it and it slowly dissipated.

I don't know why now, but I just feel stupid and slower than other people, it really pisses me off sometimes, and I just can't and don't want to talk to certain people. I am a nice person once you know me and I know you, but I come off as abrasive sometimes, even to people that I am intimidated by. I don't really know where I want to go in life, if I want to just say fuck it and start my journeys in the dirty underworld, go off the grid, get my shit together and make something of my self, it's all endless possibilities but I'm not really ambitious to any of them. I am a here and now person as much as I can be, but I know I have a certain degree of OCD that causes me to worry alot.

I just really feel like if life is this glorious thing, if god gave us a beautiful world to live in, why are we going through a global recession, why do I have to work to make an impact on life and earn money? what the fuck is money? what is work when you have nothing to show for it? I feel like I should be able to jack my dick off all day if I want to(hypothetically,lol). Who is someone to interfere with my life and what makes me happy? I'm not some dirtball that does nothing either, I try to be productive and help others whenever I can, but then I'm still in this slump when it's all over. I just don't get it. I really want to wander into the woods and never come back.

 

Lots of people just starting college don't know where they want to go/do in in life? Sometimes people still question their lifes purpose/meaning their entire lives. Everyone has the desire to have a legacy/meaning to their lives. So I wouldn't sweat it, especially at a college age.

For the anxiety around people, just welcome it. The best way to defeat social anxiety is to just embrace the anxiety as it happens, even ask for more of it, and your anxiety level will quickly dissipate.

Feeling stupid around people is an ego based judgement of yourself. Don't bring that negativity into yourself. You have to love yourself. People can only love you if you are able to love yourself.

Coming off as abbrasive and being abbrasive are fairly pretty much the same thing. Despite your reasons or your truself, if your coming off as a jerk you might as well be a jerk. Opening up to people, trusting in people and loving others is the only way to lose the outer defensive wall of abrasiveness. Just let the shield down, connect to other people, and care.

As for god and our world of imperfection, if we were born into a perfect world where jobs were plentiful, friends were by the handful and changing the world was like flipping a switch, what would there be? There would be no challenges, nothing to overcome and subsequently, nothing of worth. If everything were easy come, then why would anyone care? Look at Beverley Hills kids and their rates of drug addiction. Having everything easy is never a good thing.

I would say to open yourself up: Open yourself to people around you; open yourself to opportunities in front of you; open yourself to challenges; and open yourself to life in general.

You could wander into the woods but, I doubt that would be productive to yourself or to anyone else. You said you help others but are "still in a slump" afterwords. I'm not belittling your sharing with others and productivity, but when you question why your helping others hasn't benfited yourself, "still in this slump when its all over" you drain the positive energy of your sharing action, because you changed it to focus back on you and your condition instead of the person you helped.

I know this whole message has practically been a novel so heres the summary:

Light is out there, everything that will make you happy is available.

But only you can merit that light in your life. Just make it happen..

 

i heed your words with great appreciation. i understand what you're saying and i hope this can help me get over whatever is happening.

 

You just sound confused.

 

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