this is sort of long but i need advice-back around thamksgiving, i got out of a terrible relationship of four years. my boyfriend had tried to control almost every aspect of my life, including the clothes i wore and music i listened to, and more serious things like who i talked to or my religious beliefs, be it through mocking, chastizing, humiliating me, criticizing, or just taking a big shit on me and/or whatever i liked. i developed horrible anxiety problems-i could not focus on anything, couldn't sleep, had daily thoughts of suicide, felt completely worhtless, ugly, and horrible, my otherwise healthy skin broke out, i packed on fifty pounds when i had been a healthy weight for my height- that weight was gained despite the fact that i vomited or got awful diarrhea most every time i ate or drank anything, even a glass of water. my relationship with my parents and brother is just now getting back on track, but i lost every single one of my friends- girls i had been VERY close to i am just now getting to know again, but things with them are very strained. i'm ready to move on and talk to other guys, but i feel scarred and wounded because of how much my ex hurt me. i'm terrifed to talk to men in a feminine way because when i used to try to flirt with him , dress up or make myself look prettier or to just be more appealing to him he would tell me i was embarrassing myself and to stop acting stupid. my fear is that i'm the type of girl, who, through my looks, intelligence level, personality, or whatever, will only attract losers who treat me like crap. i'm also afraid that noone finds me attractive in any way, except, once again, losers who can't do any better than me, since i feel that i'm definitely no prize. sorry this was so long and sort of dramatic, but i was wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way, and, if so, how did you deal with it when the time came to move on and put yourself out there again? did you realize that your fears were groundless, or were they just realized? thanks for taking the time to read and thanks in advance for any words you may offer.
funny thought but he was and is so possessive he would probably put sugar in my gas tank or much worse. or at least try to mess with my mind some more
Yes, I was in a three year relationship and went through something similiar. He would guilt trip me into getting his way, tell me to stop wearing certain clothes I remember there was this one shirt I really liked it was black and had orange flower details and turqoise ones as well and it said billabong but because I bought it at w49 and he wanted me to wear preppy clothes he didnt want me to wearit and would always seem happier when he found me listening to something stereotypically girly like Hilary Duff. He didnt like drugs and actually asked me to flush a gram down the toilet and I did.....I was drunk tho as well. Im happy to say that I havent spoken to him in a long time and i'm free of any pressure to fit a certain mold someone else has made for me. Alot has changed since then, Ive had piercings and I have a tattoo and im rockin out to pink floyd and jefferson airplane. I wear whatever I want, preferably natural fibers. If he was to see me now after everything ive done, all the drugs ive done, my new red hair. Everything about me he would be shocked. All I can say is, be who you are. Dress and do whatever it is that makes you happy be confident in what you do and what you say that no ones opinion will effect you. Dress up and be flirty and move on away from the hurtful words hes said to you, otherwise he still controls you. You are beautiful, and though you're not confident coming out of an abusive relationship like that in time you will see the truth, that you really are stunning.
thanks flowers. you're right-he is still controlling me from beyond our reltionship's grave, which is part of why i want to stop feeling this way. btw he was the same way about me smoking weed or drinking...and he wanted me to wear shapeless gray and black clothes that looked like shit...he even got mad at me once for using a hairdryer on my hair...what the FUCK??
I just want to say that you shouldn't be worried about being clever enough to be loved. What you've written is very clear and intelligently put, and you've obviously got a few brain cells up there. It didn't feel too long. Also, if that's your picture in your profile you don't need to worry about looks. One vaguely positive, at a stretch, thing you can take from this relationship is that you can make sure you don't end up in another situation like that. Once bitten, twice shy. ps. Listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TarrSrx4v0"]this. It inspired me recently to take a step that I was afraid to take.
I'm going to offer another stand point, and that is to maybe not consider the fact that guy was SUCH an arsehole. I say this 'cos I feel I was one of those men (not as extreme) in my younger years, had one relationship where I controlled her a little more than I ought to have- I put it down to inexperience/self confidence. I vowed never to act like that again, and never did with subsequent relationships. Was this a first for him? Like a long term relationship I mean. It is awful he dragged you down to such a level though, and you should never condone such behaviour. As they say, if you fall off the horse, get back on the horse Just flirt, flirt flirt. It is hard to move on from normality's like such a relationship (again, been there), but you have to force yourself to speak to people. You just need to find that bit of interest, and it is amazing just how quickly you can gain your confidence back by finding someone who really does appreciate how good i'm guessing you are! Ask yourself this. Did you feel as inadequate before this relationship? Sure this isn't him still talking, and maybe not you. Again, sorry to hear of it all, i felt like such a wanker after my relationship like that, I sought her out a few years later to apologize and she pretty much still hates my guts.
thank you so much for your kind remarks and for sharing such a wonderful song with me. and you are right about avoiding situations like that in the future- i will be sure not to ignore one single red flag from now on, as i did with so many of those red flags that i saw during our relationship. it's really kind of my fault for ignoring thoise warning signs and then for putting up with him for so long, but every time i would try to leave, i would be stalked, or at least my phone would ring at 3 am and he would be on the other end crying and telling me that he was going to kill himself over me. so what could i do when i still felt for him even a little bit? i couldn't get a restraining order on someone i cared about. his parents would've had to be the ones to have him committed (he is clearly not stable) but they were methheads who tried to get me to put up with it because they wanted us to get married one day. anyway, thank you. your advice and encouragement mean a lot to me.
I can see you are beautiful - and from your note that you are intelligent. Ohh to be 40 years younger. Don't worry about someone who doen't appreciate you. YOU be who YOU want to be!! If you want to be more feminene - go for it (thou I don't think you need to do much) I have no idea how someone so sincere and physically appealing could question thier own sexuality and attractiveness. It just blows me away.
thanks for saying that you guess i'm good and no, i didn't feel that completely inadequate before him because i had actually had a life, with friends who were kind and funny and made me feel loved and happy, and with hobbies and interests that kept my mind occupied and my body in shape. i did lack confidence around guys and did think that i was ugly, which is i suppose why i was willing to be with him in the first place. i was his first serious relationship. it should've told me something that he was 18 and had never really had a girlfriend. anyway, i guess what you're saying about finding someone interested is true. the best thing for me right now would probably be positive attention from another guy. it would make me feel great. i'm transferring from my junior college to the university of southern mississippi next fall, maybe i will meet someone there to have some fun with. but just like you and your ex, i will probably always hate him. sad, but i don't know if i can overcome that feeling. thank you so much for your help. you're very kind and you're five times the man he is for realizing that what you did was wrong and then changing it. awesome for you! (he is still telling everyone that he left me because i was a coke fiend, which is a complete fabrication and a sure sign of his delicate mental state)
BTY - My family comes from Jackson. I lived there for most of my teens and early adulthood. Good luck and please - find someone who appreciates you. You are young and may not appreciate how precious love is. The right guy will come along if you are patient.
"the best thing for me would be positive attention from another guy". I think maybe the best thing right now would be positive attention from yourself. But be very attentive to signs from men and sort them out EARLY so that you don't have to do any more suffering by these types. Every girl gets a jerk sooner or later until the right respectfull guy comes along,it seems. I would say focus on your studies and you---the "guy" will show when you least expect it. And have fun with your newfound FREEDOM!
well it's always cool to meet other people who've lived in mississippi. i'm really ready to meet that guy or at least someone to have some fun with for awhile but it just seems like i'm a total zero with the opposite sex. maybe they're just picking up on my insecurity though.
i am trying to be kinder to myself. and to notice red flags when i'm meeting any new people. the thing that would be nice right now though is just someone to have a little fun with. at least, since getting away from him, me and my old friend MJ are talking again. :sifone: seriously though, i've started a new job, i'm doing well so far this semester, and i've been to some great parties since he's been out of my life. the next goal is getting back to a healthy weight, and i plan to see a doctor tomorrow about how best to do that.
