i'm living in an "authoritarian family"

and it sucks. and i have problems. so i really really would appreciate some help. this is gonna be long, so sorry
from the age of 13 or so i've been planning how to get away from home because i can't stand it.i feel oppressed. really, i don't think i did anything to disappoint my parents. except that they lost my trust long ago. i have always been doing well at school (i'm shit at math though), i don't smoke and i haven't been pregnant. when i ask for something they never let me do it. sometimes i do it anyway, i'm rebellious, so we fight all the time.. they say i'm unbearable, disrespectful, ungrateful and so on.
my parents are authoritarian. because whenever i'd like to do something, they start arguing and reasoning with me. and my opinion, or whatever i say, doesn't matter at all, because they either won't listen to me, or they listen, and say no anyway, force their decision on me. it's almost like talking to deaf people. they just go on and on about how i'm not supposed to do this and that. they never let me do anything, and i mean quite reasonable things, and what i say and what i do is never right.
i'd like my parents to treat me as an equal, like, i can state my opinion and they can state theirs and we could talk about it and they would let me have a little freedom, and if what i think is wrong they should make me realize it and not force things on me.
when i pointed this out, they told me that we are NOT equal. they are above me. that hurt.
and although i'm only 18, i'm not narrow minded, i'm pretty sensible and most of the time i can decide for myself what's best for me. i understand that they worry and care about me but they should let me be free at last.
i'm 18 but i can't do whatever i want to, because i still live at home, and they pay for my food, so i can't really go on about my rights.
in the past, i just used to do what i wanted to do anyway, because the only punishment they could think of was banning me from the internet for like, a week, and i was like, who gives a shit. anyway, a few weeks ago, i asked my parents if i could sleep over at my boyfriend's house. we've been going out since december and i've known him since august. anyway, my parents were totally against it and i couldnt even say a thing, my dad said "NO and thats my last word" and when i asked why, they made up lame excuses and said the same things over and over. and they threatened me that if i go and sleep there anyway, they won't pay for my japanese lessons (half a year ago i started taking japanese lessons, my parents didnt wanna pay at first so it would suck if they didnt pay anymore.. so i had to obey)

my problem is the following: my boyfriend's band is gonna have a concert in April, and i want to stay out all night. usually i have to come home with the last train which leaves around 10 pm. or when the concert is in my town i go home at midnight usually. so far i've only stayed out once, when i missed the last train and i called my parents and they were furious.
i really want to stay all night this time, and talking to my parents is no use. so i'm gonna have to lie (i know its mean..) because being honest to them just doesnt work, i tried. so i've made up 3 lies but i dont know which would work best.
first: me&my boyfriend/best friend/anybody are going to a concert and it's gonna be till 3 am or so and after it ends, we come home with the first train at about 4 am (that would be quite true, and it might work)
second: the same concert thingie, but sleeping over at my friend's house who lives in that city. this plan has a weak point though: my parents would want to speak to her parents, which would suck.
third: i say i'm sleeping over at my best friend's house. my parents would agree to that (maybe) because they like her (she's a very good student and not a rebel, like me.) so there's a slight chance they wouldnt want to talk to her parents, and my friend would say that her parents said its OK if i sleep there. while in truth i would be 60 kilometres away from where i said i would be.

crazy situation. xD sorry for the long post.
please, i would appreciate some help

 

I would plan ahead, and choose one lie as your front, and another as a backup if one does not work out.

Lie 1, where the whole concert will be over at 3 am is fairly sound, and closest to a relative truth, may not fly too well with your parents. However, it still stands as the safest, in regards to how you will not have to get anyone else involved, it will be between you, your parents, and the train.

If that doesnt work, and if you have enough time, and give enough enthusiasm for the concert, a few days later say that you talked to one of your best friends (the non rebelious one), who will let you stay the night after the concert, and promise that you will return home ASAP

Thats just my reccomendation. If you really hate living with them, do all you can to plan on having a viable plan which will enable you to support yourself and let you get the hell out of that police-state household.

One more hint, less is more.

Learn to live with less, improvise more, and you will go far. Within reason.

 

You've got to plan your ultimate escape from that house and plan it carefully. Whether it is a job or college or living with a friend or moving to a commune or whatever. You are 18 and can leave when you want. Plan it out on your own and make it a sane transition. Don't expect them to change or listen or understand or see anything your way. They won't until it's too late and you're gone. Maybe they'll regret it someday, maybe not. The important thing is to get out but do it methodically and not in a panic or rush or sudden dash. Be patient. Your time will come soon but it's up to you to make it happen.

 

thank you LivingCorpse and moondaddy..
last week i thought of a new "solution", so to speak.. i don't know which one would work.
i also don't know which one to choose because i know that only one would work, i mean, if one didnt work then i couldnt use the other lie because then my parents would definitely realize i'm lying.

i know i can leave.. only i can't yet, because of the circumstances. but in a year, or two maybe. i've got to plan it, i know...

 

How can they tell you what to do with regards to your boyfriend and social life when you are 18?

Here is another option: Get 20g (dry) of shrooms and lace there food. That should keep them incapacitated enough. You can say you saw an giant archangel come down through the roof and put one of his hands on each of there faces, and that you where at home the whole time paralysed by shock!

 

they can tell me what to do because i'm not independent, so to speak.
i don't have my own income for instance.
now it's a little better but i'm dying to get away...

 

^same here. im 18 but i cant do as i please because i need my parents for certain things. School money, and food..sometimes. So its almost like they hold it against you and say, "well i pay for this this and that so i get to treat you like your 5." I cant wait to leave my house either. We should runaway togethah ;] ha!

I've used lie number 3 millions of times....i like that one.

 

I find it odd that your parents are still so strict at age 18. They kind of need a reality check it seems. Just because they pay for stuff doesn't mean they need to micromanage your life. I count myself fortunate in that I stayed living at home til 20, and as soon as I turned 18 my folks treated me more like a roommate than a child. I strongly advise you to do what you can to get even just a part time job and store money away like you're preparing for a high-level crisis. I wouldn't wait 2 years to move out as you say because you'll grow more and more bitter as that time wears on. My parents weren't even bossy with me after I turned 18, and I still found it very challenging to live at home with them until 20. After you reach a certain age it's just "time to get out" and leave the nest. You can go to school and still work. Sure you'll be busy and might not have a lot of spare time, but it'll help you get away and the sanity you'll acquire as a result will be totally worth it.

 

your 19, just leave.

 

Also, maybe this is just a generational thing, but I'm almost 10 years older than you...I've observed that more young people are living an "extended adolescence," by living at home longer for certain reasons and also not working a job (being easier to go to school, etc.) but still having these parents treat them like children. What they don't realize is that they're not helping you prepare for the real world in any way by trying to shelter you like that. Also, if you're 18, I think you should have, as I said, at least a part time job. It doesn't have to be glamorous, and it may even suck a little, but I think everyone should "do their time" in the service industry (retail, restaurant) to get a taste of what it's like. I think it builds character and also teaches you what it's like to have to really work for a living and be treated like crap by all the customers, so that when you grow up, get your "real job" and patronize the restaurant and retail establishments, you'll have "been there" before and will know to treat the employees well. Also, you'll prove you're capable of being responsible to your strict/authoritarian parents. I don't agree with their parenting style, but it sounds like they're the kind of people that you'll have to prove it to over time.

My youngest sister lives at home when she's not at school, as she goes to college in another town. My parents have babied her a bit more, and she's also the less rebellious kid of the family. She has never worked a job in her life, but her academic performance has been stellar. I worry about her, though, because despite getting a good education she'll have zero work experience in the real world, which may prove to be challenging in being taken seriously. I am a bit annoyed with the 'rents because they pretty much made me get a job when I was a teenager to have my own money and save up, and they never made her do such a thing...but I'm very glad I got to "practice" as a teen for the real world of work (which is really kind of full of poo if you don't work on getting a good education).

 

Lmao if you're 18 and they're still talking to you like that then I don't know man. Some parents are just out there and in their own world. I can understand saying you're not equal when you're underage but now it's time to get serious, lol. No point in really arguing with people like that, just humor them. Typically when I run into people like that I have a tone of voice that indicates that I'm about as uninterested in what they have to say as they are in me. But then again those are your parents, so that kinda sucks. Best of luck

 

"if your childern ever found out how truely lame you really are, they would murder you in your sleep."

-frank zappa

very, very, sad:sad: but, all too true in a lot of cases.

you and your boyfriend could drug their food then, hack them up with a chain saw; put the peicies in a meat grinder and, make money by selling them off as hamburger meat.

i know, i'm sick, i need help!

GOOD GOD NO! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T KILL THEM! jail and death row is the worst world of shit there is!

if things go from bad to worst, go live in a homeless shelter if you have to.
others here, have told you to start earning some money, so you can move out... DO IT!

now, why in the hell are you taking japanese lessons?
if you are planning on a career where you will be working with a lot of japanese speaking people that, makes damn good sense indeed!
if your just trying to be wapanese (a want to be white person trying to act japanese)
stop those lessons now and, go get a job so, you can save up money so, you can move out of there.

if you don't take action to improve your sitition (such as getting a job) then, you just want to whine because, your parents really are not all that bad to you.

there you have it. if you don't take action to change things then, your just really happy as things are right now.

 

well, blackcat, I agree with you totally in almost everything you wrote.

i have to point some things out, however.
i know i have to get a job and earn money. but there's a thing called economy crisis out here in Europe, and it's not easy to get a job,even if you really want one. especially for inexperienced people like me. but i'm taking action and it looks like i can move out by march.
it's my first year in college, by the way, and my major is Japanese.

as to why the hell i'm taking japanese lessons.no offence, but that's real "broadmindedness", man. well, i'm taking lessons simply because i'm interested in cultures other than mine and i want to understand their ways. i'm not trying to act like a japanese person or something. job possibilites are actually quite good now that i can speak a language that only few people can.

but other from this, i agree with what you said and thanks for the advice.

i won't hack them up with a chainsaw though

 

ma'am there's an economic crisis near everywhere, in fact it started on this of the pond

 

well, yeah, i guess. that doesn't make things easier though...
but i really want to get away from here

 

I was actually looking online for some sort of advice on dealing with authoritarian parents and this post of yours came up. Your story sounds exactly the way I have lived my childhood and teenage years... the criticism, the overly harsh punishments, the lying to do the reasonable things you would like to do that every "normal" kid these days gets to do, the lying just to prevent any sort of trivial criticism, even the lack of independence because you are still financially tied down. It's funny because I was in your spot not too long ago (I'm in my early 20's) and to get out after high school I went to college across the country. Things have gotten better... with age and a lot of fighting trials and errors I've been able to get through to them and finally get respect. And I'm just now working on how to reverse the psychological damage done by their authoritative parenting style. It was a while ago that you wrote that post, but I hope that you've found a way to get out and/or get through to them. I've been there and it sucks, but I hope you know that there is hope!

 

no seriously.. I know how you feel. my parents say they're better then me too. basically. look you either live under their rules or you move out and really experience freedom. or you could do them and yourself a favour and lie. parents aren't supposed to know every detail of your life just like you'd be disturbed to think of every detail that goes on in there's.

 

oh big deal. kids always complain about strict parents. big deal. be happy your parents are not abusive or crazy. some people go through VERY BIZARRE living situations. be happy for what you have and thank your parents for raising you.

stop arguing with your parents and just be obedient kind and respectful. Listen to their rules and stuff. eventually you will form a very strong relationship with them. Once you show you are very well mannered, obedient, responsible teenager, then you will get a lot more freedom.

 

I agree with Rugor, there are some crazy parents out there just be thankful yours aren't.

From my experience (I had a very strict and overprotective father) all I can say is underpromise and overdeliver. If they notice that your doing well on your own or that you are a responsible daughter that makes smart decitions, they will began to loosen up a little. That's how it worked with my dad.

 

Respect must first come from within. Not all relationships are healthy. Some relationships are very toxic and destructive. I know as I grew up in orphanages, and foster homes, that is when I had a roof over my head.

You see life will teach us the things we came through to understand. Life is not about what is done to us. Step back and hear your self. You say you are rebellious. You say you have trust issues. You say lying is acceptable. You enter into the arguing to "force your decision on them?" Every thing you are blaming them for You are doing to them. Your interactions have become a mirror reflection of each other.

When you Respect your own Being you will not find USING others for your own personal gain as acceptable. You will not Blame others for your behavior, or actions. You will accept responsibility for who you are and the choices you make.

One foster father I had used to say when you can not stand the heat in the kitchen leave, do not stay and fuel the fire. In other words. Stop what you are doing and stop blaming someone else for the choices you are making. FREEDOM is never free. You want to be treated as an equal...well in this toxic interaction with your family YOU ARE equal.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is leave. But when and if you do acknowledge the consequences of your actions you will also understand Life is an opportunity and becomes what you make of it. You are not living in chains, isolation, daily physical and sexual abuse, slavery and so on. You are living in a toxic emotional relationship with your parents that you have helped to create. Want to change your world start by changing how you see your world. Change You. Harming your parents only harms you. See your own behavior as part of the solution. Accept responsibility for Your behavior and Your actions. Stop using your parents for your excuses and grow up. Do not expect something from your parents when you are part of the problem.

I wish someone had said these things to me many years ago. But then I am not sure I would have heard them. Find your truth inside you. Your life is your world, and your choice. What you do with this life is yours. Please know these things are said with love and wisdom because I have lived through far worse to find in the end I was my own victim, or healer as I so chose to be....and so are you.