When things go wrong between you and someone you think you love, you do things that you later regret or are told that your actions were inappropriate. Usually I try to act with maturity and say only what I mean and how I feel, keeping in mind that I may change my mind when my mind is later calmer. I started a thread about my relationship with my boyfriend earlier, but I changed it to an 'x' out of respect for him and his wishes. However, he is upset with me again outside of the forum, and I him. I hope we can get through this. I will tell my story from both sides. I understand that no matter how I word it, it will be slightly biased, but I will try to be neutral. Please share whatever thoughts you have on the situation: I felt that me and my boyfriend were fine. I didn't believe that he was perfect, but I knew I would be very happy with him given the chance to be with him for a long time. However, a friend comes home from school and he spends the night at her place and gets drunk. I am okay with this, because we are all friends and I trusted them. However, I later found out that they made out. No sex, but they kissed... I am unsure for how long. I must say that this girl was hurt and not over the man she broke up with many months before and she has been going from guy to guy, perhaps looking for someone to relieve the pain she had. After this incident, my boyfriend becomes distant, he doesn't talk to me, and he doesn't touch me. I didn't know what was going on at the time, and after a week of him ignoring me and going off with this girl in secret many times, I couldn't take it any longer and left him. I knew something was going on and that I was being kept out (I never suspected he cheated, just that he was unhappy and too scared, maybe, to break up himself). After this girl goes back home, my ex (at this point), gets drunk and tells me what happened. He said they made out 4-5 times, sometimes drunk, sometimes sober. We live together, (and will have to stay living together for the next 4 months) so that is why is was with me this night. I am hurt and I ask him what he doesn't like about me, and why he would do it. He tells me he never really loved me (and say that same). He continues to tell me I am not intellectually stimulating enough for him, that I am too sensitive, and that I care too much what people think of me. At the time, I was accepting of this, I knew these were faults of mine that I would work on (later I would have nightmares of him repeating this to me... but w/e). Anyway, he leaves the next day to visit this girl in the city she goes to school in to talk to her. It turns out he has fallen for her and wants to be with her. She has a boyfriend and wants nothing to do with him. She also insists that she wants to continue being friends with me. While he is gone, I feel immensely lonely and angry. Being alone in our apartment can be very depressing, and being hurt by my only two friends can be angering. My ex asked me not to talk to the girl, so I e-mail him about how angry I am about the situation. I say cruel things about her, how I want to hurt her and make her feel as I do. I only did so as I have no one else to talk to about it, who understands the situation. I just got off the phone with them. He is now mad at me for e-mailing him. He tells me he wanted to be left alone on this trip and to e-mail him was silly since we were no longer going out. His anger surprised me, before he left we made up and still kissed and said I love you to each other (just not in as strong a way as we used to). He still wants to be with this girl, but I talked to her as well, and she wants him to leave her alone... This whole situation has gotten out of hand. The two people I trusted hurt me. I later found out that they 'kissed only twice', but I don't know what to believe... I know I don't know everything that was said between them. I am hurt that he could move on so quickly... and to a girl who was my best friend (and the ex girlfriend of his best friend). I am so surprised at him, and he acts as if I am in the wrong, when I did nothing wrong. He regrets telling me about what happened, but I'm glad I know, I think I deserved to know... Anyway, that's where we are now... I hope he comes home tomorrow. I hate him, but it's so lonely, I want someone around. anyone. Hopefully I can get away for the summer and visit my father. Leave the internet behind and just try to move on. When I return, I'll try to get my cat back (who I had for 10 years but gave to his mom to take care of because my current bedroom at my mom's house is being rented to women and they didn't like the cat). I hope we can all be okay with each other. I'm so hurt, but they are all I have. I am bad at socializing, and have no other friends. Please share with me whatever thoughts you have. I need to know that someone is reading this and can understand...
UPDATE: He tells me they are seriously considering a relationship. I've decided that if that happens, I will no longer be either of their friends: I just couldn't take it. I also can't stand when he tells me how he feels this will be 'a big thing for both of them'. Christ. I haven't spoken to the girl yet about it, so I can only take his word for it. Although she did tell me that she won't give him what he wants, but he tells me different and says that he wouldn't be trying to be with her if there was no chance. This relationship of theirs will hurt a lot of people, but he says it's worth it. The poor girl has issues, and in my opinion isn't ready for a relationship. My ex even expressed that he doesn't like being alone, and I'm worried that he's using her vulnerability to be in a relationship. They may still have feelings, but I don't think the time is right for her. And of course, it still hurts that he could so easily give me up. Maybe he didn't love him, I'm not sure I love him either, but I thought we had something stronger than what he acts like we had.
Your thread is packed with irrelevant information. Do you feel the need to know every detail? It all sounds a bit controlling. In the most passive-aggressive fashion only a female can pull off and still assume the roll of a victim. I'm not saying you aren't being fucked over... What I do think is that you are letting yourself get fucked over... Only one person can stop that. He is playing you, using that weakness. Has played you, using that weakness.
I included all the information, because although it seems irrelevant, it all contributed to the situation. How is it controlling? Yes, I am assuming the role of a victim, but what other role should I take in this situation?
Im sorry about your situation. The best thing you can do is move on. Granted you have to live with him for a few months or so, your going to have to force yourself to take action and hopefully find someone else. Like the first responder said, there's only one person that can take control over yourself. It's all on you to choose a better situation. Regardless of whoever is at fault, i wish you luck.
don't listen to the sexism and hate in this thread.. it's bullshit.. your info isn't irrelevant i think you should get out of that place you share with him and be on your own, get a roommate or live with a friend, or your family. get out there and find some activities you like to do, meet new people, enjoy life.. you don't need him. you deserve better than some idiot who's going to treat you like shit. take responsibility for your life and you will be better off.
I don't know if he's playing you or just clumsy at dumping you. His words and his actions have shown that he doesn't want to be with you. Listen more to what he says and does and less to what you think those actions and words "mean about our relationship" If he says, "he has fallen for her and wants to be with her", then he has fallen for her and wants to be with her. (Whether she wants him doesn't matter, He wants to be with Her not You.) You're response to that situation revolves around "she doesn't really want him". Which shows that you are willing to be with a guy who thinks you are number 2. What's wrong with you? Do you think you're fat, ugly or dumb? If you're not fat, ugly or dumb, why do you think that no other guy is going to want to be with you?
It's not so much that I think I can't find someone else. Besides this incident he's really sweet. Yes, I am number 2, I get that, and I don't intend on being with him. He is very unique and intelligent, and everyone else in my life lacks the desire the improve themselves and do not know themselves like me and him do. I think it's going to be very difficult to find someone who knows themselves and is happy and kind and loving like he was to me. He did something wrong, I know, but he means a lot to me. He taught me things no one else could and I feel like I had so much more to learn from him. I'm more upset at losing the girl as a friend. I felt that we were really close, we just understood each other whenever we saw each other, even if we didn't see each other in a long time. I'm really going to miss her. It's also difficult to just forget them. They were my only real friends, and I hate the idea of moving back home where my room is the size of a closet and my 'rents fight over nothing. There is nothing but hate in the house. My bf showed me what it was like to be loved and be happy. I'm really going to miss that.
