having trouble breaking up...

So I've been seeing this girl for 4 years. I'm thinking she isn't the one for me. She is immature, emotional, unrealistic, manipulative, avoidant, not too bright, crys (sometimes literally) when she doesn't get her way. I'm attracted to her face, but not her body (im thin and have a history of weight training, she can stand to lose 30 pounds).

It has been suggested by qualitified professionals that she has borderline personality disorder. She does some crazy things sometimes. She has been in the psychward a couple times in her life. Her is family is disfunctional (then again, whos isn't). I hate to say it...but she has a brain tumor in recession. I know saying that thats a bad thing is cold hearted, but thats something to consider before marriage, an integrated social and economic life, as well as kids.

She does have some good qualities. Shes thoughtful, and kind. Shes willing to do almost anything for me. Shes also my best friend, and one of my only friends at the moment. Losing her would be tragic. Shes so integrated into my life. Also, I seriously think that she would attempt suicide if I ended it with her.

I don't see myself in the long term with her though. She is my first girlfriend, and I feel like I allowed this to go on for too long now. I don't know how to approach this. I know I have to end it if I feel this way...

Any thoughts or suggestions?

 

sounds like some codependency if you ask me
another vote for "just do it"

 

You should break it off. If you don't think it will last, it will only hurt her more the longer you wait. And PLEASE don't act like a bastard to her so that she will break it off. I just went through that, and trust me, it's much better if you are open with her. Tell her you care for her a lot, and that she's a great friend, but that it won't work romantically. I wish that is what was said to me before the crap in my life happened. She will hurt. Bad. But I feel that this is the less painful path.

 

THanks for the responses.

Thats actually a pretty good suggestion. Unfortunately I do act like a bastard to her once in a while. It isn't so she will break up with me, but that sometimes I'm just so sick of this situation and seeing her all the time that I'm overtly unhappy and I don't control it very well.

One time, a few days ago actually I was being a bastard, and she got upset. I felt bad and I told her I'm sorry and that its because I'm unhappy, and proceeded to tell her that I don't think this relationship is working out. She of course told me that she'll do anything to fix this, that we will work it out. Then I folded, and were still together. Thats the thing though, she can't change. At least not enough or in the ways that would satisfy me.

And yeah, there is some codependency going on. We are each others life more or less. Neither of us really have anyone else. This is going to be really hard for both of us.

She has a history of suicide attempts and hurting herself. I seriously think she would try something if we broke up. I don't really know what to do about it. The best thing I can think to do is to inform her mother of a break up and that she needs to watch over her.

 

Me and my boyfriend were all we had too. We had friends, but they were in other cities, so I can understand. Please break it off with her, and tell her mother. It will only hurt her more if you stay together and you get angry like you have, trust me. Like I said, it will hurt her, and perhaps people should watch her afterwards, but she will get over it. She needs to be taken out and distracted after the breakup, so suggest to her mom or family members to do so.

I understand her being really unhappy. I'm not suicidal, but I looked at my bottle of extra-strong painkillers (from oral surgery) more than once since my relationship ended. But it's part of the process, and she will move on. It just needs to happen sooner rather than later...

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. This has never really happened to me before so I don't really know what to expect. I'm sure it will be pretty bad. I'll most definitely have to tell her mother about this, when it happens. She doesn't have much of a family, at least not too many that care. I can see her mom saying that, "she does it for attention, sometimes you have to leave these people be, if she really wants to do it there will be nothing we can do". That women is such an idiot sometimes lol.

 

With family like that... god I feel for this girl. My family is very supportive. I feel very bad for you, because I too would fear for her. I stick by my advice of still breaking it off, but if anyone in her life is willing, she needs someone to talk to and vent her frustration and sadness. If not, you may need to be that person. Be her friend, just not her lover. Both of you need to be very strong if you go that route though, because a lot of harsh words will be said and each of you need for be understanding and forgiving to each other.

I hope the two of you end up alright. I hope her mother also grows up a bit...god, she sounds rotten.

 

Ok so I'm new here and know no one and probably should shut up but... I'm going with the 'just do it' thing to. *but* remember to take yourself into consideration. Breaking up with someone can be just as hard as being the one being dumped. But when things arn't right, they're just not right.
I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. He had affairs, he was distant, emotionally unavailiable...etc. Today I went to his house and I found the only framed pic he has of me tucked away in his drawer... Well, I dumped him. Finally some would say. But now I remember how shit things feel when you break up with someone. Prepare yourself: load up with drink/drugs/soppy movies, whatever will get you through. But, if it needs to end, just end it.

 

Let us know what you decide to do.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the above!!! Please straight forward is so much kinder and quicker. Any other way will see her trying to fix things so just be honest and it will be easier for her to accept. Good luck.

 

I'm sorry you both have to go through this situation. Breaking up is the worst, especially if you've been together for 4 years and are best friends. At the same time, you've been together 4 years and you "are thinking that she isn't the one for me", I mean that's a clear sign that breaking if off would be the inevitable thing here. Just be sure to keep an eye on her afterwards or be there for her, due to the whole suicide/indifferent family/you being her only friend in life thing. Trust me it will be tough. I am going through the same thing right now, my true love of 5 years has broken up with me. He's my best friend, and I'm still in love. He says I would be the one he would marry if he ever wanted to get married, but.
Anyway its why I'm sitting here completely stoned, listening to The Seeds and reading threads. Breaking up really sucks.
But I'd rather be free to move on and find my true soul mate rather than stay with a guy who a) wasn't attracted to my body, b) didn't see himself in the long-term with me, or c) who was so sick of the situation and of seeing her all of the time that he became overtly unhappy?, as you have claimed feeling about your girlfriend.... (hey I am sooo sorry but wow I am glad that no guy has felt that badly about me I had to say it sorry)
Alright I feel like I'm rambling on now, I'm high in the sky.
Let me know how everything goes. My best wishes. Peace.

 

get out bro especially the borderline personality disorder, and immaturity issues that's not going to change for awhile... if not ever.

you basically gave a list of everything your not looking for in a girl.

 

You've come online, bashed (according to your own words) not only your best friend, but your only one, trashed her family life, shared her personal health issues with the world, admitted that your attraction to her is mostly based on her face.... and said "She is immature, emotional, unrealistic, manipulative, avoidant, not too bright, crys (sometimes literally) when she doesn't get her way"

How to sum this up...

first off... yes, you should break up with her... not just because of the way she is, but because the way YOU are...

secondly... go look in a mirror, and read that description you gave of her, and see if you can see someone else who fits that description.

 

Here... had to search this out...

there are some valuable lessons in this thread for you...


http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=387422&f=65

 

Thats an interesting perspective you have there.

I listed what I didn't like about her so others could relate (which some have) and understand what I'm going through.
It matters not that I posted health problems to the world; no one here knows who she is. Her privacy has not been violated. Got to love that internet anonymity. I didn't post to be insulting to her, I posted for some clarity and advice.

Yes I stated that she isn't too bright, and isn't fit (has some extra weight), etc. Not to be mean. I understand that some of the things I said could be construed as mean, but these are things that most people consider when "selecting a mate". I consider myself relatively intelligent, fit, and healthy. I feel I should be with somebody similar. Is that wrong?

I did not trash (unless you meant verbally, you should clarify) her family life (as it was already trashed, her dads always been neglectent, her mom has always been cold hearted but smothering, etc.). She is my best friend but not my only friend (admittingly one of few).

I should break up with her, because the relationship is more adverse than it is beneficial. Because I'm sick of dealing with her borderline personality disorder (which is why she is manipulative, acts like a child, has emotional outbursts, semi-suicidal). Have you ever tried having a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder? Do some research, they aren't the most pleasant people to deal with. One of their traits is a severe inability to keep relationships. If you read up on the condition you may understand why. I love her but this is something I can't deal with.

Thats the main reason why I want to break up with her. Everything else is gravy on top.

Also, I cordially invite you to list what characteristics that I listed her of having, that I'm displaying by posting. Thats what you were getting at right?

 

Thanks for the effort, but thats irrelevent. I'm not boasting, and not gossiping about someone, and theres no malicious intent. She will never find out either. I'm looking for advice plain and simple, to sincerely better my life, and to protect her at the same time. I'm not trying to find out how to break some people up so I can have my way with one of them lol.

 

Thanks for the advice xavier and robyn (and of course everyone else). Yes, I'm going to have to be there for her when this happens, as she won't have anyone else close to her to help her with this. That will make it harder though, because she will actively try to get back together with me.

A couple days ago she phoned me at lunch crying and told me that between our relationship troubles (she knows I'm not happy), and her job, she just wants to hang herself, and that she just wants to die. I can expect alot more talk like that when I go through with this. And she would be the type of person to say such a thing to try to get back with me...

 

Thats good advice MsAlice. Im sure it will be very hard for me also. I know its going to feel like theres a void in my life afterwards. Ill be used to talking to her on a daily basis, and doing things with her all the time, and then there will be nothing. I'll have a hard time filling in that void also.

It's good that you dumped that guy. It sounds like he wasn't interested in your relationship and was just stringing you along for some reason. If affairs means cheating, then yeah he was a complete ass.

 

Yeah, it went on for too long. I mean it wasn't all bad. We did alot for each other in the mean time, and we'll probably be best friends for a long time. Your right that if I feel this way now, then eventually we'll break up. Its just a matter of time.

And don't be sorry. I'm just telling the truth, being a little shallow and "nit picky" also. It's not like I'm going to tell her these things. I'm not an insensitive ass

Sorry if I'm spamming. I should of put all of this in one post I suppose.