If you've seen my earlier post you can tell I'm not all that sane ^.^ I've realized drugs fucked with my mind, I pretty much live in a world of fear and panic. I have such complete confusion with what I want in life, with who I am, with what I truly love, and that's normal, but I'm not truly living life, I'm stuck in a bubble I fear and dread leaving my house, I hate being outdoors, I get such horrible anxiety beign in a car a five minute drive gives me anxiety and full on panic attacks! I've become a zombie, I have the worst hppd ever, static covers everywhere I see! I can't explain myself, it's like this horrbible sad deppressing disguisting and unreal feeling that I have every moment of my life. I feel as if I'm in a cartoon. I believe that I became this way because when I was fourteen or fifteen I though I could handle any drug and I just so happened to do hallucinogens. I would definitaly have bad trips I belive bad trips fucked with my head .. I remember three awfull trips one of which I benfited from, one on " xtc" which actually was piperazines. Were I was in a car and Ifelt I was losing my mind and going crazy I though I'd never come back. One bad trip on lsa which wasn't so bad because I learned fror it, I realized what a hedonistic, selfish, brainwashed, materialistic, ugly, evil, hermit litlle fourteen year old girl I was... I also learned drugs are horrible when used the wrong way, I felt aware and enlightened from that trip, but it was still an unpleASant expiriece and last but not least my bad mushroom trip It was just panic and fear complete fear of losing my sense of reality, it was truly one of the worst expiriences ever. Anyways, my fear is fear of losing my mind and my sense of reality, one of the best ways to loose your sense of reality is with hallucinogens. I'm so scared of realizing what a horrible person I am I'm so scared of having a bad trip I'm scared of hallucinating, I'm scared of nothing habit. My mind back. That has led me to the most ridiculous case of OCD, I fear eating, taking showers, using condomns, drinking liquids, using liquids, anything that can get absobred through the skin or swallowed because I fear there is drugs in em, I always share with my food with some one, I always make them have the first bite! Of course I take showers, but only in hot water because I know LSD wouldn't survive At that temperature! Also I like to use products such as shampoo and lotion that the bottle has been opened, for example if there is a new bottle I'd rather not use it becuase if there is a used bottle I think oh someone has used this and there not frying balls so I can use this too. I get scared of the rain touching me, I hate touching public things, if here is liquid on my hands I like to rub it on someone else. Just incase it's LSD.. How many months have I had his OCD= few months how many times has something been laced= never Then why I do I think so illogically. It's like an itch you have to scratch I can't help it, if I don't do it i get panicky and anxious It's so hard for me to write this because I've felt so weak and unmotivated lately.. I feel like I'm in another world I look outside and see the people filling there cars getting filled with gas, kids running around, people jogging, stores stores stores and more stores and advetisements billboards. Cars, buildings. It all feel like a fake plastic world, I don't feel like I'm here on earth anymore I don't feel sane! I'm scared of myslef I'm scared of the world. I always felt like I got to a good point in my life, I felt aware, I loved to explore the world, I loved travelling, loved raving, loved partying, I wanted to live in the woods, I was so full of life, I liked smoking weed, now of I have just one hit, I freak out!! I felt enlightened and alive I felt like I was learning the truths of the world. And boom, my world turns upside down in a day. Sometimes I fear that I gave my self this beause I would always self diagnose. And other I think wow I used to be sane I used to be normal and happy. I would give anything to be back to normal. I'm only sixteen. I'm still a little girl. I decided to get help, after months I went to a psychiatrist. I was hesitant I knew the monent i would walk in, he would just prescribe me pills, and it be over. I want help not pills I want to know what's wrong wih me, I'm totally against pharmecuticals, I feel they are unatural, I wish there was a natural way to help myself, Ive considered healers, yoga, better diet( cause all I eat is candy), supplements, quit smoking, meditation, detox and cleansing my body, I just never got to it. When I went to the psychiatrist, he diagnosed me with hppd, deppression and anxiety, bur I still wonder what is wrong with me. He said he was gonna prescribe me anti-psychotics and ssri's, but as soon as I told him one way I would cope with this is by drinking alot almost eveyday. He said clonazepan(klonopin) is the medication for me, I asked him if there was any thing other than medication, if there was an alternative he said he could make me an appointment with a neurologist and get me an appointment to get MRI, but he said medication is the best way to go becuase I have hallucinogen flahsbacks and that is all I have, but I'm so scared of taking these pills what will they do to me! Will they make me worse, will I become dependent to them? What become of me will I be a mindless emotionless zombie. I'm so scared what if get a panic attack on this pills. Has anyone had a smilar expirience to this? What is your opinion, on the medication?
ha ha. Sorry OP, had to laugh. At this point in time, I would do what your psychiatrist says and take the drugs he has prescribed. Despite what some people in the forum will tell you, they are actually trained to help you. Hopefully somebody with real experience will give you some advice.
I won't give any medical advice but as for being worried about becoming an emotionless zombie, most people use psychiatric medication with no such effects. It comes down to finding a medication that works for you and working with your doctor to making sure dosage is correct. There are many people on psychiatric medication leading emotionally fullfilling lives including careers relationships etc. And yes, I would strongly suggest also trying to become healthy in every way possible. -Meditation will bring you into the Now and calm your mind. -Yoga relaxes the body and mind. -Eating healthy creates a healthy body and mind. -Daily vitamin supplements can be great. If you calm your mind, and maintain a healthy body (through nutrition and excercise) only good can come from it. And as for your fears, just remember fear can only exist through thoughts about the future. Future horros wether 3 seconds or 3 years from now cause fear. If you live in the present and live and focus only on what is your fear will disappear. Fear can only survive through an imagined threat of future happenings. The problem about fearing something happening in the future (agin 3 seconds or 3 years from now) the future = you can't handle the situation, because it isn't real. You can only change whats real, whats in front of you. So thats where you live, in the reality thats right in front of you. Meditation is very helpful for this, as can be Yoga. And again one of my all time recommends is the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Again though, work with your doctor. Discuss everything. If your doctor feels this is whats best, discuss it with them until you feel comfortable and understand why, but do keep in mind psychiatrists are highly and extensively trained and are here to help.
I don't think you'll ever go back to being that "normal and happy" girl you once were... just how I'll never go back to being the "normal and happy" girl I once was... mainly because everyone grows up eventually. And every experience you have, whether it be amazing or extremely scary, is something to learn and grow from. My best advice would be start working out... like running and stuff. The endorphins will do you good, and physically exhausting yourself should help ease your mind a bit
I don't smoke as much pot anymore because of this... well, I smoked a lot on Saturday and kind of regretted it. I can't take more than one hit. I kind of know where you're coming from--probably not as extreme though. You did a lot of drugs for someone of such a young age; I've only smoked marijuana and I can say that it's given me a host of problems. I would simply suggest not ever doing any drugs and just trying to relax. Do meditation as someone above mentioned. Don't go to psychs--they'll just want to push pills on you and will tell you there's something wrong with you. Don't let yourself be put down like that. There's something wrong with ALL of us--EVERYONE has a dysfunction and I'm sure if everyone went to the psych they would get diagnosed with SOME disorder.
well actually klonopins will relax you and take your fear away but as any drug theres side effects and you build tolerance and eventually they will lose their magic. also drugs like klonopins might make you feel better but remember THEY ARE NOT A CURE!!! they will only mask what you feel and numb you for the time being. THE LIST TO HELP: what I recommend is don't do any drugs at all no exeptions don't let anyone convince you to smoke weed anymore or anything. Exercise please don't be lazy no matter what. what you should do is despite your fears as hard as it might be put on your running shoes decide to leave your fears just for a 10min. jog that's its. whatever fear you have right it down on a paper forget about it during the run and think nothing while you run just relax and then after the run you can go back to wherever you were before the run cus remember nothing changed. but probaly after the run you'll realize it's easier to let go of the fear. and over time slowly you'll get better and better. next off find a good talkative person that's willing to spend some time and socialize with you. make sure this person is decent hearted and won't judge you for whatever weirdness you have because of your OCD. Also find a good christian church with real christians(not the fakers) who are willing to help you . even if you don't believe in christianity or whatever just go their and seek help and find the right people and don't be discourged cus remember theres always the real christians and the fakers but with enough effort you'll find a decent person to talk to. oh and remember true christians don't believe in RELIGION!!!! just connecting with the holy spirit himself and trying to spread jesus's teachings to treat other with respect and kindness no matter how different they are. cus remember jesus was a human so he felt all we felt but still managed never to lie, judge, make fun of people, or hurt anybody his whole life imagine how hard that would be. Social rehabilitation will allow your mind to learn from others and since very few people suffer your fears through your sub-concious you'll learn how you should be and eventually lose your fears. Find an entertaining activity that will help take your mind off whatever your thinking about or worrying about whether it be a sport such as tennis or badmitton or a card game or something. any activity that takes focus and concentration so you stop thinking so much. and sometimes you'll might just have to say to yourself screw it and forget about whatevers bugging you and as foreign and odd as it feels forget about it and try to flow and the farther and farther you flow the easier and easier it gets. just remember once you forget about it don't doubt yourself or go back once you forget you gotta forget. don't keep going back and forth or else your digging a hole. and remember acid does not exist everywhere haha it's a very rare and if your on acid you only have a bad trip if you think negative. get into hiking I know you hate going out but remember nature is a natural enviroment so you should be at peace in nature. use animals as examples. animals are always at peace execpt the fear of a predator if their a vegetarian animal. and remember how many times has you not gotten high off acid from touchign something wet? never!!!!!! use past experiences to help you in the future. remember don't trust that voice in your head! wake up one morning and shut it off as soon as you wake up! live in reality not in your mind and practice improvement everyday.
Fear is the destroyer of the mind. Fearing things in the fashion that you are doing is simply unhealthy, and to fear the loss of your own sanity or mind is just a self-perpetuating cycle without end. You say you are against pharmaceutical medication, and I can't really blame you. But for you to not take those medicines, it's only fair that you also quit all illicit drug use, at least for the time being. At this point you shouldn't even be drinking, much less smoking weed. I can relate with a lot of the things you've said. I've felt like what you have described many times in my life, although I was more or less born that way. You need to find peace. You have to accept what is around you, and stop having your mind put up this fight where every paranoia and fear and wild speculative thought is allowed to control you. Sometimes you just have to stop and breath. Start small. I can't tell you how to find peace or how to control a restless mind, that is a very personal endeavor that I am not qualified to expound on, but I do know that you have to stop fearing everything, and you have to stop fighting everything.
