I assume this is fiction, but you don't tell us. Why was the family driving from New Jersey to Texas? Is the family going to return? Perhaps this is one of these long driving vacations Americans like so much, but you don't tell the reader. If Danny was still alive (the story implies this), had he been left behind in a New Jersey hospital? The story begins and ends with the little girl's thoughts during this road trip. There is no story line and the described situation (the road trip) is not resolved.
Please don't be upset, but I was starting to expect better work from you. You had time, a computer and an idea about a little girl with a sick brother, so you just started typing. There is some dialog (with far too much embedded white space), some portrayal of feelings, but nothing really happens. No story line. Well, if I expect to understand everything, I'm in for a rude surprise.
My goodness, you're complaining about my white space??? And I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree about the fact that "I just started typing." I happen to think this is a powerful statement, and I rather like it. The notion that "nothing really happens" is your assessment, and like I said before, it's not really the relevant point here anyway.
That's shit, man. It might not have a storyline per se, but come on. For what it is, it's very good. I'd consider it literary, for sure, but I like lit. fiction anyway; maybe I'm biased. I think the story got its point across fine. More condescension here; can't say I'm surprised.
You say there's a point. She says there's a point. Well, maybe I'm just a little dense and can't see it. Zorba, how much is my opinion worth if I do nothing but praise everything I read? What use would that be to Caliente? More condescension: If she were another fourteen year old skinhead (yes, there are plenty of female skinheads) on amphetamine loose at the keyboard, free associating, would I bother to comment? By the way, we're waiting for your next (or is it the first) contribution.
You know I'm not suggesting you praise everything you read. I'm suggesting you have a bit more tact than to tell the author that they 'got an idea and just started typing,' or to tell them that you'd expect better work from them (depending how it's said). I loathe responders who do nothing but praise the work they read; the author will never improve that way. As to my contributions, I try to contribute my criticism when I can, especially to people whose work is good. If you're suggesting I contribute my own writing, I usually write longhand, so that's not so easy. I also try to find better venues for it than Hip Forums. That's my prerogative; posting your 'work' here is yours. I'll leave it at that.
Enough! I've had it to here with you two squabbling like four-year-olds. If you have something to say that contributes to the understanding of this piece in a meaningful way, one way or another, then I would love to hear it. Otherwise, save it.
You pack a hell of a punch here, Caliente. There isn't really a lot to say about father-son relationships that hasn't already been said, but you've given it a nice little twist. A good read.
Thanks for your kind words, OldLodgeSkins. Father-son yes, but I'd say it's about parent-child relationships in general. Mother-daughter is a powerful dynamic, too. But then, the relationship with the opposite gender parent has its own special aspect, as well. Daddy's little girl is such a wonderful thing to see, and the way men are around their mom ...
