Update! I came out to Kyle. :D

So, back from my long hiatus! Thought I would post an update on how things with Kyle went.

I wanted to thank all of you. Your comments made me realize how important it was to be honest with people, especially those I considered my friends. So I ended up telling Kyle. I came out to him. It was in all honesty the hardest time I have ever had coming out to someone since the first time I did two years ago.

We had been having a great day together and were staying out of our apartment for a reason I'm not gonna get into and were siting talking in our university's Student Union in one of the study rooms off the main hall. There were very few students around and we had the room to ourselves. I had been wanting to tell him before we went off to Christmas break and the days had been counting down. We had three days left before we both went back home so I knew that it needed to be soon.

So we were sitting there and we were deep in a good conversation, which isn't too unusual, we just have a way of talking for a long time about nearly anything and we had a few hours to kill. He had mentioned how next semester was going to be a great semester because we were finally going to get our own rooms for the first time since high-school. And I took the opportunity to finally tell him.
I said
"Speaking of that, there is something I have been wanting to tell you for a long time but I didn't want to make you feel awkward since I've been your roommate. I'm not quite sure if you already know but I just want it out in the open. And please understand that I really value our friendship and don't want to jeopardize it but I think I need to be honest with you about something."

I paused and he looked rather tense. I still could've backed out of it but I knew that this was the perfect opportunity.

"I want you to know that I'm gay."

I let the words hang there, hoping to give him a second to respond. But he didn't so, me being the garrulous person I am started talking. And talking, and talking about how I hoped that he wouldn't think of our friendship any differently and that I have always viewed him as a friend and even though we were really close I didn't see him sexually. And I kept on talking and talking and talking for what seemed like forever just to bridge the silence,and he stayed quiet. He looked down at our feet, and sort of hung his head. We were both sitting cross legged on the floor, and it was very quite in the room. And i heard him sniffle. And while I hadn't want to make eye contact with him before it suddenly dawned on me that he was crying.
I shut up immediately, and asked him in a pensive way
"Kyle?"
And he looked up and said,

"God. Please. You don't have to worry about me. I always suspected after I got to know you, but I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. Like I hoped people gave me. I've never told anyone. I couldn't tell anyone. But I....I..m...similarly..." and with that descended back into tears. Unable to say the word.
"...I'...I'm...I'm attracted to guys too." was the best he could do. And I knew exactly how he felt. I had to whisper the word "gay" the first time I had said it to another person.
I got up and gave him a hug. I told him that it was ok. And that I would never think less of him. That no matter what he told me, or what he did. I would be his friend. And he hugged me back and through the tears he told me that he could never tell me how much that meant to him.
I knew I had done the right thing.
It's funny. How badly I obsessed over telling Kyle. And how much I worried that he would reject me and it would ruin our friendship. And all the time, he needed me to tell him more that I did. I'm so glad I can be there for my friend. I had a terrible time the first years as I started coming out to people. (I'm only up to 8 for the record) but I know that internally I was eaten up by the anxiety and terror of knowing what I considered my biggest, darkest, most terrible secret for years, other people now knew.
I can help him through that process. I want to give Kyle the opportunity to have someone to be there with him through it all. To be there when that first person who you think is safe, rejects you. To be there when you think you made a mistake, and the fear wants you to take it all back. Adn to be there when you meet someone you fall head over heels over and for the first time can actually tell them.

We talked for 4 hours that night. About everything. He had a million questions about my experiences and what I had gone through, who knew and how did they take it. And after all that he still couldn't say the word gay. (even when describing me, which I thought was hilarious) But we agreed to be open with one another in the future, and next year he can live in our flat knowing that he can just be himself and express himself not as who he thinks I will accept, but for who he actually is. A place where he can be comfortable living in his own skin, where both of us can. And all because I thought I was going to come out to my friend, Who knew? Life's strange. Merry Christmas Kyle.

 

A great story! What a wonderful Christmas gift to both of you! You did well.

Fortune favors the brave... so, you have got something great to look forward to during your spring term.

Have fun, enjoy your newly found freedom, and make the best out of it!

KD

 

WOW! You put me in tears too. How powerful that the two of you got to share your souls like that. May you both live long and well.

 

it's great to hear it all went so well.

 

Thanks guys! It did really go well. I wasn't necessarily shocked that Kyle was gay. But I was surprised that he told me. But I guess that just goes to show the power of honesty. If people would just be honest the whole world would be in a much better place. Kyle and I included. Joy to the World

And on another note of good honesty. I came out to my Dad tonight! He took it...better than I had expected. Not great, but better. He's a rabid conservative Christian so I was dreading what to expect. He made some homophobic comment and i got defensive and told him he was being prejudiced. And he asked me whether I thought that it was ok that they taught teenagers about homosexuality in sex ed classes. I told him yes and he told me my mother would be ashamed to here me say that. So I freaked and told him that was the most hurtful thing he has ever told me and that I was leaving to go back to college and started packing. He ran after me to ask why was I taking this so hard. So I told him that the things he's says are hurtful. And that I am gay. He refused to believe me at first, and got rather angry, but then he calmed down and we had a chat and I explained that I still loved him, and I didn't want to hurt him, but that I had to accept who I am. And I think he understood, and then we watched a movie and he gave me a hug and told me that he would always be my father and he loved me.

So happy days. I'm on my way to becoming out to everyone. We'll see how it goes. Even those people who you think will hate, can love with the proper encouragement. Go for it guys!

xoxoxo

 

this is a happy read

a lot of people are afraid to come out and to know our world's getting better about everything in general is very very nice.

 

haha, I almost got into tears. This was beautiful! I somehow thought this would happen... it's really weird. I'm so glad for both of you. Merry xmas.