Alright here goes. I'm a mother of three great boys married for almost 15 years.I married a rebound boyfriend at 19 which I now understand was a mistake, but here I am. So my marriage is kinda falling apart (now that I am older and understanding emotional abuse by my controlling husband) I'm not blaming it all on him life's been hard getting married so young. Any ways my true confession is that I've recently connected with my first boyfriend. People have told me that this sometimes happens when you are being abused, you look to someone who once loved you for support to make a stand. Nature's so cool.Any way we reconnected and from the moment we saw each other it was like no time had passed and we immediately fell in love... or maybe the problem was we never actually fell out of it. I left him because of pressure from all of our friends around us who were always trying to break us up. I finally broke up with him because one of his friends told me he cheated on me with twins.He denied it but i was young and hurt I felt the trust was gone.We had dated from like 13-16 and gave our virginity to each other. I kinda felt he was going to break my heart so i did it first. After we broke up he became suicidal. My mother was suicidal through most of my childhood and when he went there I just could not deal and completely erased him from my brain. Then I rebounded on to my current husband. I wish I had know about the rebound issue then. I really thought I was in love. Now I'm starting to figure out I've kinda been living a lie. I'm not going to make the same mistake again and jump quickly into another relationship if my marriage fails.I'll be on my own for a while.On the other hand since reconnecting there has been way too much synchronicity in my ex's and my life to be just chance. Natures so cool. I guess I can be testimony on why people should wait till they are married to have sex. I feel like me and my ex really share a super special bond that my husband and I could never have. I only saw him twice and am not currently talking to him as I am trying to fix my marriage. I am now feeling like an adulteress now in two ways. If you want to give feed back or ask ?'s feel free. I just needed to get this off my chest to people who don't know me. Thanks peace
the dude i lost my virginity to i really can't stand anymore so i mean i don't see why waiting till i got married would have done much good
Wanted to say sorry to hear you've been through a controlling relationship. Well done on raising your boys and good luck for the future. And you're not an adultress for thinking about another man and wanting what you don't have. Drop the guilt. Have you talked it all through with your husband? If not, you need to. I personally wouldn't be afirad to be completely honest about my feelings for the other man and why I had them. It may hurt him, but he needs to hear it if it's what's happening. Still I'm sure you'll work out what to do for the best. Openness will make it all come together so much quicker
Thank you Fingermouse for you kind reply . I wish i could drop the guilt being raised in an extremely religious home makes it so difficult.But I know guilt sucks. I'm at the point now that I really need to start living for myself not others expectations.You are right that I need to be open with my husband.I'm working up the strength. It's just really scary. He's gotten better expressing hurt as hurt and not rage but I'm still scared of the monster coming back if I hurt him this badly.. I'm hoping we can get back into counseling so I don't have to do it alone.I can't continue holding it all in. It'll destroy me. I am sounding so weak right now and I really dislike it.I know that I'm stronger than this. I've just been torn down for so long in this relationship. Anyways after going thru all of this, once I am healed, I know I'll help others dealing with controlling abusive relationships. that's a plus.Oh, and I'll use paragraphs when I feel like it :}.
when it comes to emotions and communication you're husband is still a child. my dad is this way, no matter what complex feelings he is having the immediate response is to go into a fit of rage and break something or say things that are really hurtful to other members of my family. it is very taxing on the family and my parents were on teh verge of divorce for many years. i dont know how my mother did it. what i can say from a child growing up in that environment... it is way way way fucked up. his irrational behavior has caused damage that cant be undone and his actions have often been unforgivable. they way he reacted to my teenage rebellion was really irresponsible and as a result of all of this i find myself very emotionally distant from him. i cant say more than a few words to him without feeling like i've pushed the wrong button and ill send him into a rage. the way my mother stood by him, actionless through many of his fits of anger, is just as serious a problem in my eyes. if this is how your husband is acting and shows no signs of real improvement, not just for you, but for your family and himself, then i say dump him because he is dragging you down.
Hey mindwalk, my parents are in a similar situation as you. I'll go into detail later this afternoon (I'll finish this post then), I am running out real quick, so I'll post on this in a few My parents both got married at a young age and they too, find themselves have grew apart over the years. My parents would have separated a long time ago if it was not for the money/legal issues involved. They have spent the last few years trying to make it work, but it hasn't. The best thing I can say, Is to stay strong and keep your head in the right place. Most importantly, keep your head u[ high everyday and if feeling down, think about the positive things you do have in your life.
Thanks mmg and animals. I think I was woken up to all of the abuse when I started noticing my boys anger management going kinda haywire. I totally agree that my husband still acts as a child emotionally (not a good example for his kids). He has gotten better so I'm kinda hopeful but still staying wary. My oldest is now 15 and approaching the rebellious years. I don't like to take sides between my husband and the boys but when it comes to my kids emotional health i think I'd better. I'm usually a bright sided person and I do have a lot to be thankful for. I can now included you guys. Thanks again
You deffenitly want to get involved when it comes to their emotional health. My mother didn't when I hit those years. I got past all those years, but with issues. For a while, I did an anger issue, as well as fairly duel and selfcentered at times. I have came in even and resolved most of these issues that I have (i hope/feel) but no one is perfect, and neither am I. But what is is more important, I feel like I was robbed of a fairly decent family life from 17-present. My farther is still crazy, and getting worse. You should take care of it before it goes to far.
I can tell you first hand the great pain of being cheated upon. But, as you say, nature is so cool. I am grateful for that experience. It helped me look deeper into myself and deal with my demons. Fast forward, I ,am a much better kinder man and with that I am with a wonderful woman who tells me everyday how lucky she is. Go with your feelings, the rest will work itself out. Of course there is the messy marriage thing and the kids, but that can work out as well. Wishing you wellness.
I wish I could just go with my feelings, but, I'm not sure if I trust my feelings.:/. I've been feeling so unappreciated for so long that just the thought of knowing that my ex still loved me and maybe there was something magical there,filled me up and spun my head around. I do love my husband but, I adore my ex and... vice versa.. :[ I've got extraordinary self control and don't think I am capable of physically cheating on my husband. I know that it can hurt just as much that my heart has been turned from him. He's already somewhat aware and can almost see how we've gotten here. I'm hopeful that my husband can cure his rage demons and learn how to communicate his feelings more appropriately. He has never been physically abusive to me or the boys besides once and a while throwing something that belongs to one of them at them to hard. Hasn't happened in a while. I'm hoping he's now really realizing the inappropriateness of his behavior. I'm hopeful that he can change, but, not sure if I want to be with him even if he can. I don't like it but I think I have to stay lost for a while. I thought if you tried hard enough you should be able to love the one your with. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love my husband the way I love my ex at this point. If I can't will it ruin me to stay in this marriage even if my husband is no longer abusive. I'm going to get back into counseling :/.
I'd really love to see my husband with someone who'd love him unconditionally and probably more than I can. I don't feel it would be right for him either, if I can't love him fully.
hiya mindwalk, i tryed to PM you, dono if you got it or not, but the offers open, im open on PMing and IMing, my IM address is (for both MSN and yahoo) sobesemail@yahoo.com always wiling to help any one who needs it ^.^
