This is sort or an essay, sort of thoughts on writing and on writers block, depression. I have been going thru a lot. I hope I have learned a lot. I just need to be able to continue my life without being knocked down when things get tough. I grind to a halt and I can do nothing when I get down, when things get tough. Perhaps now it is a question of the devil you know being better than the devil you don't know. You can get used to depression. It provides an excuse for anything. you get to stay in bed all day and eat as much as you want, even though you feel like its killing you, you also feel like its keeping you safe. My life since I was 13 has been long periods of depression, punctuated by brief periods of feeling ready to take things on, and making a start at some kind of artistic endeavour. Then, it comes back again. That feeling that whatever I do is not good enough. That I suck, that I have no justification in trying to be an artist, and that these dreams of it are only hurting me. My boyfriend is one of those people who can be productive when he is when he has a heavy negative mood. I believe that people who can remain productive - who can write, who can do what ever it is they are called on to do, that they dream of doing, if they can still do it, then that is not depression. Though, on reflection, what about productive artists who kill themselves? They must feel severely bad. But they do not grind to a halt. I asked a painter who claimed that she did her best work when she was depressed, how can you do your art, do anything when you are depressed? She described her depression as a "dry" depression. You know that thing, when, when you are depressed, your house just keeps getting messier and messier, and its not till you feel better that you can actually handle cleaning it? My composer friend says that he is the opposite. His place is messy, and it is when he feels depressed that he starts cleaning. It seems that the worse he feels, the busier he makes himself, jamming here, commiting to projects there. ... I keep thinking - someday I'll be repaired and then I'll be able to do my art. I'll be whole, I'll be ME, and then I'll be able to do my art. Cause you see, the voice that tells me to give up, that there is no hope, it is very very strong. When I get stuck with my art I can't get someting to sound that way I want, I can't find the right chord, I can't come up with a good line for a song, I can't go anywhere else, and suddenly I feel this plunging emotion - a feeling of absolute depseration about my existance. "You'll NEVER get this. There's no hope trying, so you should just GIVE UP NOW!! You've waited so long, you'll never be able to do anything valid in the time you have left" That's what I FEEL. Its not words in my head, but sensations in my chest. And then I think of my life, empty and devoid of meaning, with nothing to show for all my noise, and all my time on this earth. I have trouble completing a music project at school, and I think that I will have to kill myself. Wierd, huh? So, I started writing about killing myself, about suicided in general. About my wondderful boyfriend leaving me. And you know, I haven't finished a song yet, and they are not great poems, but I feel a little free-er. I have commited to two things. Not trying to do projects that are way out of my reach -- I'm retracing my music education and writing way way back to the basics. And the other thing, I want to try to adopt the using your craft to stave of depression approach, and hope that that will lead me to a more prodictive depression. Cause I'm gonna be depressed. But I don't mind being severely unhappy, if only I can do art. I feel like I could suffer almost anything, and want to keep living, if only I can do my art. Wait, let me make that less absolute, becuause I have built the possiblity of failure into my definition. I look forward to doing my art, my music and writing, no matter how small or simple it is.
You've explored yourself today and the exploration has obviously produced some dividends. You've achieved some insights, you've made some goals. And you've learned. You've learned that creativity, whether on a short leash or long, can still walk us out of self-defeat and subdue even the most challenging hours of desperation we might have. Keep writing- you're growing with each word.
Kidder is right. Don't forget that humor is the biggest weapon we have against depression. Try not to fall in the quagmire of reflecting doom in your work all the time. Human beings need to see a ray of light, otherwise they switch off. Even in the most serious work of Shakespeare: King Lear, a rennaissance play metaphorically resembling Armageddon, you will find the King's Fool providing some very necessary humor and simultaneously showing that he is the wisest character. If you want a more contemporary example, look at Michael Moore and ask yourself why this guy is so popular and why he has sold so many books. And like kidder says: Keep writing.
Hello WhiteScorpion, Humor - oddly enuf, I am one of those who always has people around me laughing. Its cause every morning I put a different sign on my back that says "Kik me I smell" seriously, I am not lacking in humor. but when shit is heavy, you need to put out the heavy stuff. Sometimes humor is a big way of keeping people from getting close to you, too. But sheesh - isn't Kidder dammed insightful. For any age. Man, are you really 17? I bet you really have your shit together. Keep it up. I will take your words of advice to heart, and keep them as inspiration. Layla
