*sigh* I don't know what to do anymore

I need some serious help before my soul implodes

I don't really know where to begin. This is about me and an ex from over a year ago. Recently he's moved back around here and we've hung out a couple times. I thought I was over him, but I'm starting to question if I'll ever really stop having feelings for him.

Every time we hang out...it's just so weird to be on the other side. Just a friend, and not boyfriends. I know I'll always love him, because of how much we shared, but I'm afraid I'm always gonna be in love with him as well. This honestly scares the shit out of me. I've tried so many times to place my finger on why I have such intense feelings towards him, but I can't really pinpoint anything. I figured if I could find out why, I'd look for those things in someone else.

I've been in 3, maybe 4 relationships but none of them were anywhere as deep, connecting, and true as this one. I know I sound like a fucking sap, but if there was ever a true feeling for love and spiritual connection, with him is the only time I have ever felt it.

The worst part is I had no idea what a great thing I had until it was fucking over. We broke up 3 times and the third time was the last. The relationship lasted almost 2 years, 4x longer than my second longest. I'll never forget the 2 months after we broke up for the last time. We stopped talking. Heartbreak is the most destructive force in the emotional pool. I thought 'feeling this way every day it's little wonder people choose to take their lives to end it'.

Every day all I could think about was him. For not a single MINUTE of that 2ish months did that heavy tear in my spirit let me feel joy. I had a lost a part of myself. A big part. I was half a person now, and falling down fast. I thought about suicide a lot, but I always told myself that another person is never a good enough reason to take your own life.
...sorry I'm ranting a little

Anyway Him and I started hanging out Saturday night into Sunday night. We did speed, smoked cigarettes and talked all night, went out on Sunday for a bit and had a fun time. It was just like old times, back in 07 (minus the crazy sex, lol). After I took him home I realized to an absolute certainty that I'm in love with him again. A lot. I enjoyed myself way more than I would have with anyone else. And this morning I woke up and cried my eyes out for 45 straight minutes (and this has not been the first time), pacing around wondering what I should do, wondering why I couldn't just kill these feelings for good, remembering what life was like with him, etc...

He has a boyfriend right now, someone he used to be boyfriends with back in the day. They got back together. His BF is at job core, and he (my ex) is probably going as well (soon). We talk about his relationship with his current BF occasionally. I could get into a whole lot more with that, but I'm trying to stay on track. Point is he seems to really 'love' his current BF, even though they don't seem to have the closest relationship (some could be due to the 2 hour distance).

I thought I could just ignore my feelings for him, but every time I hang out with him it gets a lot harder. I am 99% sure he has absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. I'm also quite sure that telling him all this would make me look like completely pathetic, like I can't find another BF, when in fact I've met quite a few guys since, and haven't really 'clicked' with any of them. I was starting to wonder if I could still feel love until last night.

I think I need to tell him. Whatever he says, it might make me feel better as some sort of closure. Maybe I need to show him? He has another BF which makes this whole situation very sticky

 

i'd just tell him. you really don't have anything to lose, and if he's planning on leaving soon then you may as well just get everything out in the open while you can

 

why not tell him ~_^
fear of looking pathetic...meh.

 

being assertive =/= pathetic

 

You should:

A) Confront him
B) Chicken out
c) Dance around in a mexican sombrero.

 

She's right. You don't have anything to lose, you might as well tell him. He has a boyfriend, so you can't expect him to feel the same exact way as you, but I'm sure he still has a place for you. Talk it out and see what happens.

Good luck

 

Gen, just keep in mind that he is conflicted as well. As least from what I understand. The first thing you need to think about is why you broke up with him in the first place. Has that problem been solved. If not it can only serve to be a problem again in the future. Additionally, he is planing on going away again. That is a whole other problem.

I think that one of the reasons you feel you are still in love with him, and that is perfectly natural, is because of the great times you had with him in the past. He a comfortable. Think of him like a place you used to live. It's nice to visit but not always a good idea to move back in. Well, because someone else is living there now.

My suggestion is not to cut it off with him but take everything in perspective. Sleeping with him did not help because that will contine to create an emotional tie. Again, I understand why it's just something you can't go into without your eyes wide open. I am not saying that it could not work out just try to assess why you stoped going out in the first place.

 

lmao. Comedy is always appreciated

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain things out. I've often thought about why we broke up, and it was namely me not wanting to have sex as much as he did. I know that wasn't the only reason though. I learned a lot about how to be a decent boyfriend in that relationship, and since, I just wish he hadn't been my learning experience....

Your analogy opened my eyes a bit. I love being around him, and hanging out with him but it's so much different and less satisfying than when we were together. We make good friends, but I don't think we share enough interest to make the sort of really good friends that basing a relationship on, which is absolutely devastating as I'm realizing this as I post right now.

I realize how memories can glow and seem so perfectly amazing, but when you really think back to the time they took place things weren't like that. This is realization I had awhile ago and has helped me out a lot in life.

Thank you SO much. I'll have to mull this over and maybe I'll feel better without even telling him. It would just be wasted time and energy anyway, he knows how I feel about him.

And thank you to those who gave the vote of confidence

 

Well I suppose now you don't have to tell me, because I read it on HF.

 

That's what I thought when I was reading this.. wasn't it LJDV he was with?

 

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttt

 

I think dancing around in a mexxxican sombrero is the best idea yet.s//:hat:

 

Yeah I just wish he had told me face-to-face how he felt instead of having to read it on here.

Although I guess it really doesn't matter...

 

..

 

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

 

CRAZY SHIT MAN! CRAZY shit.

 

you know what? I ain't even gonna touch this subject.....

Not even with a 20 ft pole..

 

oh man!! snap!




erm, apologies for insensitivity. but fuck, man, i hope you guys are okay.

 

if you had a 20 ft pole gene would be in love wit you...