I am Deram Scholzara...or Richard Lawrence Harrington if you prefer. I'm a free lover, but I only want such a relationship with one person...whoever it may be. I believe that the only "real" thing in all existence is emotion...I often lose touch with the reality that so many attach their souls to. I am an artist of many mediums including drawing, painting, computer graphics, language creation, poetry, music, scuplture, dance, acting, photography, etc... I am an art supply in various figure drawing classes. I don't do drugs or alcohol or anything that alters my emotion/thought filter(brain). I've been told that I'm always high and probably wouldn't be affected much by any of it anyway(some people just can't tell the difference between happiness and optomism). I hope for the best and make the best of the worst. I'm in love with a girl who moved to Humboldt...lets call her Rhiannon. I don't know if Rhiannon feels anything for me beyond friendship. All of our friends told me that we should be together...including her best friend. I took her to two proms, and she was the first I asked both times, even though I was asked many times before asking her. She has (or had until she moved to Humboldt) an aura made of steel and defended by her claws...but one night, after we graduated from high school, she leaned over and fell asleep on my lap...not worrying what her friends thought...not worrying about me doing something to "take advantage" of her. She seemed to trust me enough to let me into her bubble because I never tried to invade it...and she once told me that she didn't trust anybody. One day I took Rhiannon on a long walk down to a creek in her backyard and she told me that she would never do drugs or alcohol or anything like that because she didn't want to lose control of her body. I admired that so much. A few months later she moved to Humboldt for college and joined the Marching Lumberjacks. I'm not sure what to think of that group...maybe they're hippies, maybe they're just college students who like to give hippies a bad name by portraying the clichŽ rather than the way of thinking. At first, Rhiannon told me stories of how wonderful they are and how they respect what she wants to be, but after the first "performance" those stories turned into tales of alcoholic jello and special brownies and men who stumbled away drunk after she "defended" herself. I was glad to hear that she was able to stick to what she believed among these people...for a time. Eventually she started saying things like "good is a relative term" and "that's what the band told us to say" and "I think I'm becomming one of them." And then she actually started to stop me from goin to college there as I had already planned to do long before all this...she kept giving me all this "don't fall for the grass is greener thing" and "You'd always be trying to protect yourself here and I don't think you'd fit in" stuff. She was actually trying to keep me away from the land...the trees that I love so much...one of the few places that reconnect me with this reality that I'm not sure I believe in. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm losing somebody that I never asked to come into my life...somebody who seemed to love me for things beyond tangibility. I love her...I've told her...and I don't know what she feels for me. She told me that she hasn't found "the one" yet, but I also once heard her say that such a person exists for nobody. I don't know what to do. I miss her...and despite my beliefs, I want to be close to her...I want to see her eyes and know what she's really thinking. I hurts so much inside. She inspires so much of my life...I don't want to create the dark works that would be inspired by her total absence from my life. So that's who I am...just another thinking soul with emotional troubles.
groovy indeed... welcome to the forums looking forward to seeing some of your work posted here... hopefully
It's good to be here...or on here...or whatever it's called when you introduce yourself via 1's and 0's. Um...artwork...hmm... I'm not sure if I could post most of my images...they're pretty big...but let's find out: You can see all my stuff at my site. My Site Only one person replied? Are you guys prejudice against people who don't use drugs or something? Just kidding .
awsome im soo glad to here someone that loves to write , i love writing im 16 and your picture is incredibley HOT no im not prejududice aginst ppl that dont do drugs i think its cool "stright edge" . (right) well i just wanted to say that your writings are great wish i could read more . And i hope that you find your lost love ... Summer
waoh I can't really describe the way your writing touched me. More of it english is not my natural languagen I'm french. It makes me remember when I was persuaded that I had found "the one". I was actually 16 when I had this dream where we were together, tranvelling and making lone, and how good it was..then I wake up and new I was in love. I already knew him for a long time, but we never really talked. In the beginning he didn't want to be only with one girl, but then he fell in love as well. We were so close, the perfect couple, as everyone called us. I began to develop a 6th sense and always knew what happened to him when he was not around. Sometimes it scares me. But, then the dark clouds arrived. At this time we were both smoking herb, and we began to smoke more and more, and to escape from reality. But love was still here, so we didn't noticed our own problems. One fucking day, he took one ecstasy. I mean just one, nothing more. He said it had no influence on him. But he began to change, to be really different, sometimes even violent, and he use to be the more pacific person I ever fot to meet. I broke up, because I felt so miserable to see him destroying himself, doing nothing of his days. He would never play drums, or piano like he did all th time, when we were happy. Then he called me day and night sometimes loving me and apologizing, and sometimes saying he hated me for leaving him on his own. I was not really strong so I gave him another chance. Second time of love, music and happiness, a whole summer just the 2 of us... He had changed. He was going to a professional nusic school to follow his dreams. But one day all this burst into pieces: her mother called: he was in a psychiatric hospitel, he had a crisis, he has schizophrenia. When you hear that it's like a bad dream but you never wake up. The only person I never loved and trust was a fool. But for 2 months I hated the world for taking my true love away from me. I thought it was unfair, they were the fools... Anyway, now, 2 years after that, he had to do a lot of therapy and he is better, starting a music school again. All this time without him I realised I should consider him more like a brothern 'cause this love hrted ne too much. I finally managed to do it. I use to think for nealy 5 years he was the only man I'll never be able to love. But I was wrong. Here I am, trvelling(I left France for Ireland) and suddenly this spanish boy came into my life. And make me believe in love again. So I really wish you to find her, and maybe to love her forever. But never doubt about love please. And you're only 18(I'm not so old, I'm 21, but I know life can change so much in 3 years..) I'd like you to reply on my e.mail liloo1969@hotmail.com Love
Pixie Dust - I like that name. Would it be your real name had you been given the choice at birth? I'm torn between the snooty Richard Lawrence Harrington and the universaly meaningful Deram Scholzara. I'd raher not be snooty, and I think that the name gives me an air of power that I don't want... I despise power... manipulation... lies... destruction. I'm not sure I'd call it straight edged...if that were the case, I'd be prefessing the "values" of my personal abstinence to others rather than simply living as an example. And it's not that I totally go anti-drug, I just never had an interest in it...mainly because I'm comfortably numb already...just happy with whatever comes my way. I'm not "hot"...the illusion of my body is...and were it not for genes I could have been society image of ugly. I have 3% body fat...and more muscle than I'll ever use, but there are few times when I'm glad about it, cause having high metabolism can make me pretty cold at times. I need insulation! Nothing's like another warm body at your side...even if it's your dog who licks your face in the morning. Those are the things that keep me in touch with this inescapable reality. Those are the joys of life...the things that connect emotion with what can be touched. Email me if you get the chance. I'll email you as well...it's usually good to know that there are other intriguing voices out there in the world. . Liloo - I'll also respond by email in more depth, but here's the gist of it... I always enjoy hearing others' stories...I'll regret saying this, but it's often good to know that others suffer from similar things. I don't mean that I enjoy it, but it IS comforting. And hey, no good thing ever came without pain...contrast is a necessity in the excitement of life. I dread the day when all we achieve world peace...I prefer harmony. Everything playing it's part...whether it be the drums of war or the bells of peace. I'm so jealous of you...you're in another country and you actually speak a second langauge pretty darn well. I've never left the american borders...I'm waiting for the right traveling vagabond companion. "Alone" is okay, but "with" is infinitely better: Saunter through life take your time and find your way Forget your strife your soul's battle's won today Behold the sounds listen while you're on your own Silence astounds only you, and you're alone Speak on deaf ears form your poem, a written sigh Nobody hears whilst your soul attempts to cry Longings taunted wish the same as all others All you wanted tis the sweet voice that is hers . Hey there Ash! What exactly does unfemale mean in your case? . Autumn - Umm thanks! Hope I read you around...or maybe even see you by some strange chance
Just thought I would introduce myself,The names Darren (Mr Iceman) This is to welcome you to THF from me. Just be yourself and i hope that you make many many life long friends on the forums and share in the spiritual love that is offered...
wow man thats a really moving and true piece of writing, you as well Lou, guys i dont know what to say, i havent found the one, so i cant potentially imagne how bad it could be. but welcome, i hope we can chat and enjoy each others company, until then peace Conor.
Nice to meet the two of you as well. I've found that there are lots of wonderful writers on here...and to be quite honest, I've always felt that it's the subject that makes writing wonderful...and with that wonderful subject will usually come wonderful words simply because we are intrigued by our own thoughts and fascinated by others' views.
