I'm really in need of desperate help. [Not on topic I know... Sorry.]

So, I'm in a fucked up state of mind. And its killing my family, My friends, And the people I know.

I wouldn't be this way, if not for all the torment, the drugs, and the things people did to me while on the drugs.

I'm going for consuling now. Sometimes people just need to talk to people about this things and it will help.

Alot of things from my past haunts me and its still coming out slowly but surely all because I hid all the pain deep down inside.. That was such the biggest mistake i ever made.

I'm always angry, I think everyone is out to get me no matter what, I also have a very dim view on life. I don't think anything good is ever going to happen to me. I always expect nothing but the worse.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep hurting the people who matter the most to me. i take things too seriously. All the time. But its only because of how i've been done in the past. I guess. Ha.

Coming off of drugs and all this other shit has been hard on me. I did DXM daily in very high doses and so much shit happened to me on it. I also did drugs like Salvia, 5-MeO-DMT, 2C-B, LSD, Mushrooms, Anamatias, GHB, Heroin, and other things that enhance your feelings or change your look on things.

I also think humans are cruel. I see the world as a evil place that has no room for compassion. I think all people are out for self gain.

I guess I could be wrong though. All the people i've met, Some of them have been really nice to me. BUT Some people I have met have been really cruel to me, Joking or not.. I have had girls that would just break my heart on purpose.. And go along their marry way and not think twice about me ever again. I've had friends that I've only been nice to and never give nothing back in return.

I'm so confused about what I should think right now... What I should feel.

Anyone have any advice for me? I mean, anything would help. I take suboxone for drug addiction and I don't want to take anything else with it that will fuck me up mentally. I smoke pot to relax on the weekends. Thats about it.

 

Sounds like you are going through what I went through years ago. I felt the same way, and was partying way hard on some serious stuff. Was treated similar to the way you were, except by guys (I'm female). There are many people I used to hang out and party with that I thought would always be there, but they weren't. They were only there for the company or parties.

All I can say is take your time. Don't give up. Once i moved into my own place, by myself, I stopped hanging out with the people I partied with and did the hard stuff with. I continued to hear horror stories of how their lives were going down the drain, and was so thankful that I got away from it when i did. I do not know your beliefs, but for me, turning to God, was what got me away from all of that, helped me find my true self, and gave me a new light on life. I continued to smoke, and would still if I had the had a connection, as I am a high strung and naturally anxious person.

Hang in there, and if you ever want to vent, or someone to talk to, feel free to look me up.

Hope this helps.

 

You want advice? Look in the mirror.

The first sentence you state that you are the cause of problems for everyone around you.

The second you cry that it's not your fault at all. THEY did it.

Accept responsibility for your life. Maybe you are where you are becuase of you're decsion to use drugs, and to value those drugs above yourself respect.
Well, than you fucked up. But YOU fucked up. Deal with it.

Apologize where appropriate (to yourself first), make amends, and DON'T TREAT YOUR LIFE LIKE A PINATA.

 

MissMyra - Yes, I am saved and I believe in God. It has helped me.. But I'm still having problems. Everyone has problems yes I know. But I mean, here lately i've been losing my faith..

Gecko - You have no idea what I went through in school. How people tortured me to get kicks out of it. If I tried to fight any of them, I would get jumped. It has happened to me at least 6 times where I try to fight one of them and they all jump on me. Thats just a small part though.. How about my girlfriend died? Ha. Yea. I've been dealing with that for nearly 3 years.. God bless the dead. Also, I fell in love with this girl who had me locked up twice and sent to the nuthouse for a while. Alot of people have said hurtful things to me.. You would be like this to if you had went through what I had.. Anybody would i'm sure. We all have problems, But I had the worse end of them. I hid all the pain deep down for years.. Without saying a word. I used drugs to cover them up. But not that i've been sober.. all this has happened.. And I need to fix it.

 

I have to say I agree with Gecko as well. I understand what you have been through, as I had even been told years ago by a therapist that what I felt was overreacting to things in my life was just reacting, considering all I have been through. However, you can't dwell on the past, and you can't change it. You have to learn from it and take it from there. Take things a day at a time, or hour by hour even. When you feel yourself slipping talk to God, vent to him, etc.

I haven't had a bf die, but I've lost many people in my life due to suicides, car accidents, I even had two friends murdered over the summer, right after losing my Grandpa. Sure it gets to me, death isn't something that most can't take lightly. But since you do believe in God, you HAVE to trust him and try and keep your faith. I still have days of struggling and feeling alone, but after praying I feel better, and have a better uplifted mood.

Hang in there. It's not a fix that happens over night, it takes time, but you have to keep your head up. Since you are a believer in Christ you know that the devil will try to get you down. Not trying to preach, just stating what I have learned over all these years.

 

I see.. Well it just i've held all my feelings in. Staying on drugs to kill that pain. And now its all coming out at one time. And its just driving me mad.. I was praying every night but i've recently stopped.. Idk why. I swore i would never stop praying. But it just seems like my life is getting worse. Like.. Idk.. The other day my mom told me she hated me. I mean she hasn't ever said that to me. It was wrong for her to say that.. But I mean I pushed her to saying that. She treats me differently then my brother and sister. I feel like the outcast in my family. I'm also the only one to ever be as successful as anyone in my family. Most of my family dropped out of school or didn't pursue more education.. So needless to say my dad has worked all his life and I havent seen him much cause he works hard and long hours. My mom pretty much raised me. My sister just dropped out. My brother and dad did too. My mom and me are the only ones who have graduated and try to do anything with our lives. I go to college.. and I just feel like i'm the only one who gives a fuck about life in general.. My sister says she will get her GED but a GED these days won't get you shit. Nor will a diploma from school. But a diploma does look better. I'm 20 years old.. And haven't had my license since I was 16 because the cops never gave me a break. They made it where i have to pay 500 dollars to get them back.. I'm getting them back in a week thanks to my pell grant i get from the school.. I can't get a job.. Idk why.. I'm almost done with my degree.. Everytime a spot opens up somewhere I turn my resume in and never get a call back.. so I just said fuck it till I get my degree.

Hell idk what is it though.. If I tried to drop out my parents would tell me to get a job or get out. Ha. But none of that happened to my other siblings.. I really need to move out to find freedom if you ask me because most of my problems are coming from home. Ha.

I need a job, my own car, my own house. And i'm sure i'll be the happiest i'll ever be in my life. And i'm working to make that a reality.

 

HippiexChild,

I can only ask you to believe I have your best interest at heart.
That said, feel free to hate me, but consider what I say.

It happened. Deal with it and move on.

Your story is soft compared to some of the things I could tell you.
I'm not belittling you; But I'm about to turn 51, and i've seen hell beyond your nightmares. Sometimes my own, sometimes that of another.

Hell in school? Dude-- I'm a "boy name sue". I'm a guy with a girls name. Worse, I was one of the smartest kids in school-- the few times when I wasn't the smartest. did I mention that I went to school in 4 different states?

If you'd like me to elaborate, I will. here or in PM. I'm not ashamed of my life. but there's a whole lot I ain't real proud of. But I deal with it.

"Nobody knows the Troubles that I've seen, Nobody knows my sorrow..."

Yes, they do. we all do. You're nothing special.
Do you think you feel hurt more than the rest of us?

All personal worst are equal. yours is not "better" than anyone else's.

The difference is a matter of Personal Responsibility. Don't blame God, for Christ Sake! 12 step programs are baloney.

Wreck the future worrying about the past if you want; I suggest you call Jack Daniels now and get it over with if you want to go that route.

But a smarter, more difficult yet less painful way, can be found if you employ Self Honesty, Respect, and Responsibility.

You fucked up.
Past tense.

 

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