I have a question, but it has a back-story. I met this fascinating guy back in May... it started off with him talking to me because I was smoking a black & mild... he said I was his kind of woman. Of course back then, it didn't mean anything to me, but I still remember it. Eventually, it got to where we exchanged numbers and he'd ask me to smoke with him once in a while... then he told me all about acid and his experiences with it. At first I was narrow minded and figured it was something to stay away from, but everything he said was positive... I started doing research and found out that I would love to do it. I guess that's another story, though... Anyway, we got to where we talked a lot, had great conversations, hung out on the smoke deck all the time, and eventually went to festivals together on the weekends. He helped me experience my first trip... not lsd, but shrooms... that was the best night of my life, sitting around the campfire, not a person there sober, great bands playing in the background until the middle of the night, then people got out their own instruments and started playing. I'll always remember that night, and part of me is still at that campfire... I remember during that time, he was the only one there I really wanted to talk to... I just wanted to study him and observe him... that probably sounds creepy, but it's how I felt... even the other friends I was there with were kind of annoying to me. I still really find him interesting and want to know everything about him. Well, the next weekend we went to another, but didn't have much luck finding anything... so I decided to get drunk that night, instead... he was still choking down some hawaiian baby woodrose seeds I'd brought along... yeah, we don't do those any more... he ate 15 that night and nothing happened... but anyway, while I was drunk I said too much about what I thought about him... common error... he seemed to take it well... even helped me when I started throwing up... He still hung out with me for about a week after that, but he suddenly just stopped... our friends had invited both of us to go somewhere with them, and he'd said that he would go, but that day came, and he made every excuse in the book to get out of it... he didn't really answer my texts, and he only texted me when he need some money and some coffee... There were about three weeks that we didn't communicate at all... and eventually I just asked him what happened and why he didn't talk to me any more. His answer was simply, "some people asked me if we were dating, so I thought it would be a good idea to cut back a little". Cut back a little? He basically cut it off. Also, I know I'm not the best looking person out there, but I was greatly hurt that he would rather just stop talking to me than have people think we were dating. He still tells me that I'm a good friend... but I don't believe it. I actually got kind of messed up one night and texted him... told him how I felt about him... I already knew he had someone he liked back home so he wouldn't ever think of me like that... but for some reason I told him anyway.. but I also told him that none of it mattered and I really just wanted my friend back... he didn't even reply to that part. We still text on occasion... never about anything important... usually about what time pass and review practice is... or if the ship is on liberty yet... or that he found some acid. Alright, sorry for that long story... but all that was for this: I don't know if I love this guy or if I just want to be friends with him, but I definitely don't want to just not talk to him at all. Did I scare him away from me, and is there anything I can do to make it better? Every time I see him I want to cry... every time he texts me, it makes me happy, even if it's something small and stupid, but it tears me up inside because if he hates me, it would have been easier if he just said that to begin with and cut all communication off in the beginning.
