How do I learn how to masturbate and enjoy sex after rape?

Hi, I finally decided to take action and do something about a longstanding problem that might have created a mental block making me unable to feel anything during intercourse. I got recommended this forum by a friend, so let me share my story:

It might have all started in my childhood, as I used to get my peers to masturbate (with) me in kindergarten, and I got a adverse/shameful reaction to this after finding out this was "wrong" behavior; I never masturbated again.

Then as a teenager I got raped, perhaps strengthening the notion that my own genitalia are disgusting. Deep down I know I shouldn't think this, but I can't shake the feeling, and although my (only) ex boyfriend bought me a vibrator - knowing my issues - I just couldn't use it and I broke up with him before we could experiment with it together, something that might have helped? I think we were both equally at loss about how to attack this, but it was good to have someone encouraging me to do so.

So, how do I learn to enjoy sex? I don't think there is anything wrong with my physiology - I have felt onsets of pleasurable sensation during intercourse - it's probably and hopefully mostly in my head. I think learning to have and enjoy sex with myself could be an important step forward for me, but I'm at loss as to how to attack this on my own.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated, wish me luck!

 

Ericaa, I am not an expert at anything, but I am a compassionate observer of human behavior. You were not only the victim of a puritanical society much like the rest of us, but you were also brutalized by a human animal as well. The very fact that you posted your story here shows that you have a lot of courage and you must have some understanding of your basic human rights to open up and be yourself in both a natural and sexual way. I am proud of you for continuing to fight for yourself. I know it is difficult but if you can try to focus on the pleasure that you get from masturbation and block out the bad memories. you are in total control, do not let some one take that from you. Try to get comfortable with yourself, reconnect sensually with your own heart ,mind and body, and when you have done that you might be ready to open up with a partner. Don,t try to rush it, be good to yourself first and win your confidence back.I would wish you luck, but that does not apply here, instead I wish you a great abundance of self confidence, you have every right to feel good about yourself. Best wishes!!!

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, but to "Try to get comfortable with yourself, reconnect sensually with your own heart ,mind and body" are to vague instructions, almost like telling someone who is depressed to "lighten up"

I need detailed practical steps I can take, or stories about people who have suffered and subsequently broken through the same barriers

 

The natural reaction from most members that haevnt gone through similar experiences is to get on here and say go see a professionals help, the trouble with that is there are some things they wont or cant advise you on.

In much of these things there are always two opposing forces.

As for the rape, yes there are feelings of anger, disgust, disconnection at being objectyfied in that manner. The flip side to that is that there is always going to be that guilt that this guy was so compelled to risk jail and having his life screwed up to do that to you, so there is always going to be guilt in that way, that that makes you feel special. Which sounds fucked up and other members might read this and react in horror, "What?, ya telling her she feels special for being raped?" ....which is no one really says stuff like that to you, even the most highly trained counsellors.

Another thing that sounds fucked up; Yes you were a victim, but do you sometimes use the victim card for your own advantage? Do you use your previous history as a reason not to pursue intimacy with certain guys?, are there certain things that you hide behind the rape. Not considering some other guys thinking its about your issues, when it may be that you know they are too controlled to ever get that mad crazy about you.

So my advice would be to explore all avenues. Fear is a very powerful aphrodisiac, Should you face your fear head on? Explore sex/intimacy with someone that you feel objectified / shameful with? Try relive that act. Or spend the next ten years in support groups with group hugs and them telling you with everyones love and support you can get back to normal and be like the rest of them in a sea of suburbia, 2.1 kids, 20 years later on xanax cos the husband doesnt pay any attention to them anymore.


As for the kindergardgen thing, firstly, doubtful you remember everything about that time, so you may be being lead all along by subconscious feelings / memories without your knowledge, which sucks cos that would mean you arent in total control of your own self - which is the case for everyone on the planet.

Secondly; Not everyone hits puberty the same time, their are always those that develop sexually a lot earlier than everyone else. When the rest of the popualtion hears about kids fiddling with each other, empathy kicks in and they concentrate on what was done to you. Only that small percentage of early starters understand its also about what they did to others. And again there are two sides to that coin, matters of a sexual nature and the bonding (love) part. Sitting around masturbating with your friends in kindy, there was a special bond, a secret club going on, which you were probably the leader of. So the influence of that is you again might want a redo, there might be a longing for that secret club.

Early developers / Early Starters is a large chunk of what gay people are really about, not saying you are gay for as for the early starters its like half of them end up gay the other half end up alphamale / alphafemale, the leaders of the secret club, and thus understand the opposite sex better than everyone else

So in that case, in terms of normal being average, you were never meant to be normal.

Steps and advice? Even those that have been through the same things arent going to be able to say stuff to you, only you really know how it went in kindy. You're going to have to work some stuff out all by yourself, just think of the two opposing forces, if you think you are such a way becuase of something, think to yourself, what is the exact opposite of that motivation? If something looks such a way beacuse of such and such, what is the exact opposite of that?

 

Well,,, Ericaa, : just lighten up was not the message I had hoped to give you, but that,s what you obviously got out of it, so, sorry, I did say I was not an expert, I just really wanted to help some one reaching out. good luck

 

No. And I'm not a unique snowflake, others that have experienced the same or similar situation, might have found solutions applicable to me. I really don't believe that there is one unique solution to every persons psychological issues - look at phobia treatments for instance.

In cognitive psychology you attack negative thought patterns (i.e. my vagina is disgusting), and try to think "No, it's not, it's beautiful, sexy" etc. Perhaps that could be something to try, convince myself that what I feel really isn't the case?

 

I wish I could offer you advise, I went threw abuse as well and honestly, I just got over it one day. I was mad that he had held a part of me hostage and I didn't let him anymore.

 

I have to issues with the abuse today - I really don't think much about it. Still, I have these problems, i'm not sure they were caused by the rape at all. Who knows

 

You know given the situation Fire Monkey that's not cool.

 

My honest opinion of pussies is that they are all beautiful. If I were with you, I'd like to admire your pussy, breathe in your scent, and maybe plant little kisses all over it, not for the purpose of getting either of us sexually aroused, but just to honor you as a woman, and to honor your vagina as a part of you around which you need healing.

 

I lost my own virginity through being raped by an older woman, but I guess that guys are able to cope with the situation in a different way. Although I did my best to resist at first, after a while animal instincts took control & I conceded to her wishes.The funny thing is that afterwards I found that I couldn't be more grateful that it had happened, as it broke my initial fear of viewing women sexually.The only comparison I can suggest here is that sex, and the enjoyment of it, as I have said many times before, is not just a physical thing, but 99% to do with the mind. As you have expressed a desire to return to enjoying sex, you are almost there.No doubt you have been given the same spiel time & time again, and quite possibly sick of hearing it, but nevertheless it is still true: The fact that you were raped is not your fault. You were a victim, and as such you can put it behind you, with no guilt whatsoever.

 

Ericaa, I just wanted to quickly say here that this board isn't filled with experts, you are getting normal peoples opinions, thoughts, advice and experiences. Someone wrote to you, and was kind and sincere in what they wrote. To tell them their instructions are 'too vague' for what you're asking of them isn't too cool. You're asking perfect strangers to come up with the perfect plan of which is impossible.

People here can offer you advice and support and can talk to you from experience, but it may not be that the things people say are perfect for you. It's hard to come up with a step by step plan for someone over the internet who we only know 'virtually'.

I personally suffered abuse from a previous boyfriend. I am now in a healthy loving relationship with a good healthy sex life. I sometimes have problems sexually but 9 times out of 10, these things don't stop me. For me it was the desire of sex and the will to be intimate with my current boyfriend who I love that gave me enough strength to continue sexually. There are things I am wary to engage in even now, but I'm hoping in time I can work past it all to be able to enjoy sex freely. This is how things worked out for me and is my experience. I don't doubt that I could be a lot more advance now had I discovered some kind of therapy, but I didn't. At the risk of sounding like an absolute twat, have you ever spoken to anyone with a more professional opinion? If not, how about that? Not necessarily for therapy sessions, but maybe even a one off conversation that will give you advice on how to make your own therapy, and the things you can do to seek closure.

 

Childhood sex play is completely normal. It's part of sexual development. Children view each other genitals, play "doctor" and mimic sexual activities. Tough they don't have what we call sex drive they experience a very strong desire to experiment and learn. Here's an article about children sexual development.. Shaming children about their sexuality may cause them to shut that part of themselves up. Children trust their care giver's judgment more than their own so it's easy to make them feel bad. You have to understand that what you did was a normal, healthy part of growing up. Adults who made you feel bad did so out of their own fears about sexuality.

Your experience with rape puts you at a more difficult position. Not only you have to reclaim your body from the society and care givers (which is a part of growing up) but you have to reclaim it from that man. Seeking professional help would do you a lot of good. No Internet forum no matter how great can replace talking face to face with a person who now what s/he's doing.

I don't have experience in counseling rape survivors (it's very important not to call yourself e victim!!!). I have to skip to the part when your psychological issues will be resolved enough so you'll be able to reclaim your sexuality. But I beg you not to skip. Seeing a shrink doesn't make you a failure any more than buying a bottle of desert vine makes you an alcoholic. Counseling will help you deal with guilt and shame.

Before you start being sexual with anyone else you have to work out your issues on your own. Sharing your sexuality and body won't work well if they wont be and feel yours to share. You can visit Betty Dodson's site and buy Sex for One. But as Betty states - you have to heal your wounds from the rape first. Then come to her.

 

Ericaa, unless I missed it you didn't share your age and you mentioned only one ex boyfriend. This would imply you are young and have dated very little and aparently haven't been having sex or rarely. Asuming that's reasonably close, maybe you are doing better than you realize. Maybe as you find boyfriends, you may feel comfortable sleeping with a few of them and find one or more that will be very caring, slow and loving. I'm not going to touch the premarital vs waiting for marriage sex issue, I'll leave that one for you to work out. As for masturbation, everybody's interest level varies, so what is normal? Find time to enjoy yourself alone and with time and practice you will probably come to enjoy it more. My opinion, coupled with a friend's experience is that time and slow, gentle, lover(s) will help. The sad truth is that you probably will neve completely get over it. We are all products of our past experiences but with kind, tender, and fun partner(s) you will learn to adapt and move on. I hope that helps a little. I think you might be better than you are giving yourself credit for. If not, just remember I'm a guy trying to help. Good luck and take care.

 

i had a girlfriend with a similar problem a few years ago
if you want to talk add me on msn

 

I've been with a woman who claimed to be raped by a step father.

Regular oral and fucking never seemed to make her anywhere near cumming, but pounding her snatch to almost bruising both of our pubic areas with one hand gripping her neck rather tightly would make her cum real hard and squirt either juice or piss all over the place. Sure, her massive orgasms were flattering, but not enough to validate continuous bruising the living hell out of my crotch.

Needless to say, she and I weren't together long. Hated that hand on the neck bullshit, not to mention her general flakiness.

Yes, I was very sympathetic to her occasional bouts with growing up in an abusive home. However, I didn't think that my presence was of any benefit to neither she nor I simply because I'm not equipped to properly handle such situations, nor should she be in a relationship with a regular guy. She needed help, not cock.