Ok I don't know if this is where this is supposed to go, but bare with me please. I'm finding that after my last break up that I can't even phathom dating anyone. I know since its only been two months since the break up, but even when a guy is interested I just feel so hurt that I don't want to trust him. I find myself pushing away guys that are interested, cause the pain is so fresh. I also push them away, cause when I was five years old I was molested. I'm so afraid to trust anyone, not just men. Men are hardest to trust it took alot to trust my ex. I still cry and I feel like a fool, cause everyone says I should be over it by now. I realise now that he wasn't good for me and that life goes on. I mean everything was always about him. He wasn't sober for more then a day when we were together, everything revolved around drugs. For once I feel like its ok make things about me. I'm even starting college in October for Massage Therapy and for once starting to get my life together. Working with a personal trainer etc... With this said I have a few questions actually. I wonder if I make things mostly about me and doing things for myself, am I going to end up pushing interested guys away more? Will I always fear trusting men due to past experiences? Is this something I can get over and grow from? I know I'll get over him eventually, How do I let what other men have done to me not affect future relationships with other men? I know so many questions, but I'm just hoping for some imput. Tiffany
Only real solutions to think on, is a positive outlet with someone you can talk to. Sorry for all that you have been through. But Only those individuals that did this to you is to blame. However we like to generalize alot, but I have found no positives to doing this. Every Guy/Women is different and confronting each with past instances that they have no bearing to, does not help the situation, but only puts them at odds and questioning. As well as, not to blame for actions they never done in the first place. I would probably hold off on dateing if you think you might have inner issues relateing to the past events :/
Hi Tiffany...to answer your questions, yes you will continue to push interested guys away if you dont confront your problem..which is totally natural, and correctable...i think you need to firstly, refrain from "dating" guys you dont know very well, or have only met a few times...You need someone who can be your friend FIRST...But i think if you want to trust men, your going to have to have some experience with different guys...nothing serious, but start as friends, develop into something more, and take it from there...Dont be afraid to go after something you like, i think too many girls expect guys to take all the initiative, eventhough its not comfortable, thats what this is all about...being comfortable, and it takes some experiences to make you feel more comfortable with yourself and others...i think there are many girls who go through the same thing, so you are certainly not alone...and the key is to just find a genuine guy, someone who cares...which isnt always easy to find in a man, trust me...but we are there, and we are all looking for a nice girl to come to lol... hope i helped, let me know if theres anything else...
You want it not to affect your relationships? Why? It should affect your relationships, it's part of who you are.
I just don't want to blame the next guy for what the last did to me. I want to learn from it, but I don't want it to make me stay inside a shell.
Ok, so then there is a problem that I see. And that is, that you're not taking full responsibility for the fact that you chose to be with the last guy, yourself. No matter what he did. And I don't mean taking responsibility up here *points to head*, conceptually. I mean, down here *points to chest* on the level of feeling. You have to search for that feeling of responsibility and independence deep inside you. The feeling of capacity to make your own happiness. Otherwise, you will end up with one scumbag after another. In a sense, there is wisdom in the fact that you're pushing guys away. You've come a long way, but there is still one final step you need to make before you can be happy with someone else.
That makes alot of sense, I guess its kind of hard to take responsibility for it. I'll have to work on accepting that, it may take awhile but there is no rush anyways. Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it.
Well if he was someone you really loved or cared about it is going to be hard. The first guy that i ever really and truly fell in love with after we broke up cause he did some fucked up shit i stayed single for almost two years by choice.. You will eventuallly start trusting and being in relationships...
oh yeah the first love is somethin else. its fairly hard to hop in a relationship. especially if you still have those feelings. it took me 3 years when i finally fell out of love with mine and im still healing up to get back into a relationship
yeah man once you feel that day come, its a HUGE relief and you'll want to immediately get back out there to feel that way for someone else or somewhat. i just got over it about 4 months ago and ive been single for a while, yeah i would like to date but just getting out there and meeting people is too much of a hassle to me and reminds me why im single :blush5:
Yea, well the guy that i just broke up with (different guy) Hes the second guy that i fell in love with but its completely opposite this time. This time i want to be in a relationshipp....
oh wow 2 people you fell in love with? thats rare! when its so soon I shouldnt be talking though my last boyfriend a year ago i got engaged to and when we were set to move, I got scared and the ex i was in love with flashed in my mind and I suppose he was part of the reason why I called the whole thing and broke it off with him even though me and my ex werent talking for like 7 months..strangely after my ex went back home...2 months later my other ex came back
Thanks you two it feels nice to hear it from other women. I kept getting this feeling like it wasn't ok to feel like this and that I was being stupid for needing to be single for now. It just hurts to bad for me to let another person in right now. I do know I'm better off without him, who needs a guy that cheats on you and who thinks everything is about them. Who can't even tell you why they love you and who steals from not only their family but your family as well. Plus I hated having to support him, he never paid for anything. Yeah sorry about the rant I guess I'm still angry/sad about the whole thing.
Ohh the second one we got really serious. We were talking about getting married and everything. He wanted to propose to me when i graduated but i was iffy about that.... We picked out wedding colors, kids names and everything.
We didn't pick out wedding colors, but we did talk about marriage, kids and everything like that. I think what hurts the most is I thought him and I were going to have a life together. I loved him so much and I just thought he was the real thing. Even though everyday after we moved in together he always made me cry. He made me feel like I was never good enough. I really hope the next relationship won't be so toxic.
The thing to learn would be, at any sign of abuse to occurr would automatically trigger the ability just walk away and leave. Though I can clearly see how hard this could be to do. When I was younger, always subjected to the thinking that I'd eventually marry someone and be mentally abused there-after. Though this was only cause it was what I saw and have been around. The rediculouse thing now for me is, I am just not trying to fumble with what i have lol. Though just do not like the labeling that other have blatently setup in which I have no intentions of ever doing :/. have learned it is very complex to look at overall in perspectives on all sides.
you sound like me and the guy i just broke up with. he was my first true love; he treated me bad more often than not, but was the best in terms of my track record. when it was good, it was really incredible. too bad it wasn't good more often. we were constantly running in place; or it would be 1 step forward, and two steps back. i put in all the work, i did most of the crying, and he almost began to delude me from myself. i've finally learned that really, it starts with yourself. people date people they think they deserve. the more abuse or bullshit you put up with, the more negative you feel about yourself; and you may not even realize it. thinking back to a few years ago, i was dating men that kept the vicious cycle of self-hatred going strong, and guess what? i didn't even know it. i'm a lot better now, not necessarily doing good in that department, but i know that there is SOMEONE out there that will buy me flowers, ask me what i dream about, and meet me halfway. that guy is out there for you too. it sucks...it really sucks. i am right there with you. go to college, make new friends, do you. love yourself, and get back to yourself. it's been a long, strange trip, and i've definitely come out as a much stronger person. it hurts; there's a cinder block on your chest...but draw strength from the fact that you're still chuggin' along. take it one day at a time. try to dissect yourself, and think about why you may have chosen this guy; acknowledge his positives and look for that in a guy, but acknowledge his negatives and mentally note them as red flags. i will never date another alcoholic again. red flag. i will never date a guy without a job again. red flag. so on and so forth... love is very, very strange. but the one you love tells you things about yourself that you may have not known otherwise.
