My personal concern on coming out

So, I've known I've been gay for a long time. I never actually used the words until I was a sophomore in high school. I go back and forth but at this point, I'm quite positive on my orientation. As a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to two of my old high school friends about being gay and while they were cool with it, I was not and I decided to wait until I was ready to come out.

Anyway, I'm 26 now and I want to come out soon. Because of my fear of expressing myself, I pretty much alienated myself from people and ended up with a few very casual friends, most of which I barely, if even, talk to. After dating a few girls in high school, in college I decided that I wouldn't date girls because I thought that it would be unfair to the girl and to me. And since I wasn't going to come out, dating other guys was out of the question. Whether that was a good or bad policy remains to be seen. I want to come out basically because I'm getting pretty lonely.

People suspect every here and there because I never go out on dates, but no one ever REALLY talks about it aloud, and I'm fine with that. The concern I have is that a few years ago, I started a new job and was feeling pretty depressed about life and this went on for about a year. My boss noticed my declining attitude and talked to me about it. Well, that's all it took and I developed a crush, pretty hard too.

He is straight and has a girlfriend for, at this point, getting well over five years. I wasn't going to try to break this in any way because I'm aware of the of the losing battle but I at least just HAD to be his friend. They and me have become really good friends over the last couple years and we hang out a lot, my only two real friends I've ever had. I love them both and as much as I like him, he's happy with his girlfriend and that'll have to be enough for me. Some days are good, some are not.

I've been able to talk to them about everything except being gay. They asked me once, and naturally I denied and they trust me in that response. They defend my position on the very few occasions that my sexuality has come into question. It's funny because even the girls that flirt with me at work tell the rumor mill that it's because I'm different and I am one of those guys that doesn't hit on every girl he sees, which is true in a way I suppose.

When I come out, I haven't fully decided on whether or not I should tell my friend about my feelings for him. While I'm sure some small part of me wishes he would come around, the grown up in me knows that that is neither something I should bank on nor wait for and I have no ultimatums in mind. Are there things that should be left unspoken between friends in order to maintain a good friendship or is honesty the best policy? I have every intention of seeking a relationship with someone else. If I did tell them, I imagine that they would be fine with me being gay but mad at me for not saying anything about my feelings for him, which is completely understandable, which is where my fear stems. I have largely accepted the terms of this relationship, but they may not be as dismissive as I am about it and I'd be a fool to ruin the friendship I have put so much effort into.

I worry that my feelings for him are strong enough that they may cripple my future relationships. The best solution at that point would be to never see them again, but that makes me sad to even think about and I should do what makes me happy right? I feel that I can move on from this but I won't know until I try.

In terms of why I'm waiting, between college loans, credit card bills, and other life bull****, I haven't been able to move out of my parents house which is the biggest roadblock, I want to be able to go away if I feel super uncomfortable. I expect to be able to move out by the end of this year or early next year.

Just seeking some third party advice, thanks for reading.

 

The longer you stay in the closet, the longer your life will be as it is now - completely on hold. You are wasting away your physical prime having no intimate relationships - which I think sounds pretty miserable.

I came out when I was 16 years old and I haven't looked back since. People refuse to come out not because they are afraid of the consequences but more because they feel, deep down as well as on the surface, that it is not okay to be gay.

I've been out for six years now and I can't imagine being in the closet anymore. Telling someone I'm gay is like saying I have blonde hair - I don't feel even the slightest bit of shame or embarrassment. To the contrary, people have always respected me for my honesty and courage.

I guarantee you your friends already know you're gay. If they asked, which is a step people only take if they are outright convinced its the case and annoyed you won't be honest with them, then that reinforces the fact that they know.

Every gay friend I've had who came out past the age of 18 was in a situation almost exactly the same as you. They all had the same fears about their friends not accepting them, and all of them that came out told me their friends said they knew the whole time but didn't want to make them uncomfortable.

You feel so much happier after you come out. Coming out isn't about accepting something, it's about starting a new, happy life. No one has EVER regretted coming out if they came fully out of the closet.

As for your boss, it wouldn't do any good to tell his about your crush. If he's straight, there is no use. Instead, start making a valiant effort to find someone you can fall in love with. Treat it like a project - it's fun looking for that special someone. When you do, you'll find happiness you never imagined.

BTW, I'm a gay male. I share this account with my female friend.

 

I do hate to rain on your parade, but it may not hurt to think twice about your life situation.

Telling people around you that you are 'gay' won't help you make firends. People either like you or they don't. Being openly gay won't really help here. For most people these days, this is purely a very personal matter. There is nothing wrong with being honest; but honesty alone won't help you create friendships.

Coming out may be a liberating personal experience. Sharing the news with the others who may be gay, too, won't really have a significant impact on your dating situation. Guys who find you both attractive and worth their dating effort will make their intentions very clear, with you being in or out of the closet. If another guy finds you unattractive, no amount of your being 'out', honest and open will help.

When you come to think about it, there is a no doubt, a significant number of guys out there, who may or may not be gay, and who tend to view their sexuality as a fluid matter, private in its very essence. An openly gay guy is far less desirable a mate than a guy who minds his own business, and runs his own show...

Despite all the spin, it is relatively easy to tell your friends, "Guys, I am gay!" They cannot do much about it, one way or the other, can they? In reality, the matter is of very little substantial interest to them. Your dates and your bedroom activities always create a short-term interest but all the grown-up guys will really agree that this is purely your own matter. They could not really care less, if it is Eve or Steve who gets your juices flowing...

It is far more rewarding (and correspondingly far more taxing) to develop an outgoing, humorous, generous and generally, very desirable personality, and the looks to match. Once you have developed those attributes, friends and dates will be all over you. People just love the winners...

If you lack what it really takes, no amount of self-confessed honesty will really help...

So, do not fool yourself.

KD

 

I know, my life has indeed been on hold for a long time. But no matter what, I have to be strong for a little while longer. I wish I was able to come out long ago, but I could barely even look in the mirror and say the words to myself in high school, much less mutter them to someone else. And yes, the reason that I've waited so long is because I was not ok with being gay, mostly because it creates an issue that I shouldn't have to deal with.

When I told my two friends, they told me that they didn't really suspect, but they weren't surprised, which upset me a little because I thought I played it cooler than that. My current friends, I imagine, will be similar. I told them no and they believe me, at least that's how it seems. Plus I don't think his girlfriend would have been too keen on me being around him as much as I am given that she's a pretty jealous girl and she is not afraid of throwing down. That fact alone tells me that they are trusting that I'm being truthful. I don't know, maybe they do know but are just waiting for me to say so.

It will happen, of that I have no doubt. Thanks for the advice.

@KD, I have no intention of going around spreading my newfound freedom to everyone, only people that I feel should know will I actually tell, the rest can figure it out on their own if they really want. I don't think that coming out will get me a date or make me friends in and of itself, regardless of sexuality, confidence is what wins. Truly, no one really cares what you do in your personal time which is why I don't feel it necessary to tell "everyone". Interesting way of putting it, I did lack what it takes, that's why it is taking so long.

 

"But no matter what, I have to be strong for a little while longer"

I'm glad you are deciding to do what you are, but let me make it clear that you are not being strong by remaining in the closet. Its exactly the contrary.

But everyone needs to come out at different times. But saying it the first time will never be easy, so putting it on the burner burner, for whatever reason, is really just avoidance.

Good luck and happiness to you.

 

One can be strong in many ways. I don't take my decision lightly, I never have, I'm sure many of you know that being in the closet weighs on you daily. I will be strong now and later. I appreciate your concern and believe me when I say that I'm trying to get things moving as quickly as I possibly can. I'm a big believer in that things will turn out in the long run.

 

Hey There.

If one of the things that you are dealing with is loneliness, and you feel you are pulling yourself away from people, I would say that it may be time to come out for yourself, and to have more meaningful friends in your life.

I came out at a young age, and I have never had a problem with it - it probably helps with the field I am in so far as work and my circle of friends, but it is not as much as a stigma now as it was 20 years ago. It's who you are, and when you are comfortable with that, you will eventually just accept it and it will just be another part of you.

Best

 

Hi, I feel that my friendships are as meaningful as they need to be, it's a deep friendship, one that I trust and hope will weather what I'm going to put it through. A friend once told me that, in regards to a dispute among friends, that the friendship only ends if one of the people wanted it to already. I don't think that's the issue, it's can I be ok with it enough so that they'll be ok with it.

Other than that, I think being introverted isn't a bad thing. I don't like other people that much anyway lol. Withdrawing is another thing, I don't think I've gotten to that point yet.

Also, I agree the popular view of being gay is less of a stigma, but I'm not that worried about what other people think, it's what I'll think of me. I don't think it's wrong that I'm gay, but I am worried that an outward accepting of something I've largely dismissed will affect me and my personality in a way I don't want it to.

I see what you're saying. What I have to learn is to not sweat the small stuff and realize that everything is small.