:banghead: I have a twenty-one year old step-daughter that I'm having trouble understanding the way she acts. Her father has taken care of most of her money problems, paying for her college, buying her a new car, even bought the house next door to him for her to live in when she is done with school. My wife, on the other hand, does not have the financial means of her farther, and is wrapped right around the finger of her daughter. I am talking,in my eyes, spoiled rotten. Now that I'm in the picture, my step-daughter has concluded that I should treat her the same. She does not want to take the responsebility of her age. Christ, we are lucky if she flushes the toilet after herself. She does no housework, entertains boyfriends in her room for six hours at a time and then leaves her dirty dishes for someone else to clean.At her age,I would think, the fact that she needs a computer for her homework,has no bills or major worries, last year made $7800, needs to use my computer to do her homework. I am playing with the idea of asking her father, if she does these things when staying with him. Did I mention, she still goes back and forth between her parents. At her age, that seems foolish,but what do I know. I've got her number,but it does me no good to mention this to her mother,so I have to keep quiet and and just let the anger build. It's getting to a point though, it will be sooner than later. It's a situation I'm really not sure how to handle, my main concern is for my wife, yet the way her daughter abuses her love and tries to capitalize on her mothers kindness, really pisses me off. I did tell her mother that you can not be kind to her. She sees kindness as a weakness, and will abuse it. I'm really having a hard time with this and hope maybe someone can offer some advice.
I will say, as someone who came from a divorced home, I definitely played on my parents. Now not at the age of your stepdaughter, I was married with my first child at 21, but when I lived at home, I did. So did my younger sister. I also acted the way I did because I was not at all happy with the people my parents became romantically involved with after the divorce. I wanted to be the center of their attention. In turn, I became as difficult as I could, perhaps hoping it would run them off, but I think a lot of it was to see who's side my parents were really on. Mine, or their romantic interest. Now I know that doesn't help your situation, I'm just trying to offer a little insight as to why your step-daughter may be behaving the way she is. The only helpful advice I can offer is that more than likely, as she matures, develops more of a life of her own outside of the family, she'll change her ways, come around.
My sister is much like your daughter in that she uses our parents. When we were growing up, she'd hop from one house to the other and just use the parent for what they could give her. It was pathetic, and she still does it today somewhat. She's since moved to CA with her husband sarcastic and two kids (she needed them like a hole in the head!) When my mother made her mad, she'd go 'live' with my dad. When he made her mad she'd go 'live' with my mom. She really played on their emotions. If she needs something, even NOW!, she asks them for money. Her husband got a quite LARGE amount of money for reenlisting with the Marine Corps at the beginning of this year, 2 days after she got her tax money in....they had enough to buy a very nice home with cash, within 2 weeks, all of the money was gone and she was on the phone with my mother begging for money! She has no sense of responsibility. When she was in to have her second child (my beloved niece born in June!) I was buying her kids diapers! Her husband gets his pay direct deposited every 2 weeks into his checking account....I can't name a time where even half of that money survived until the next day! She's 21, by the way. On her 18th birthday, she took out an EPO on my mother because my mom asked her to wait to get married until she graduated, which was that May. My sister wanted to go live with the guy (her husband) and his family. She really takes the cake when it comes to immaturity. I can't really give you any advice on what to do except what I tell my folks....you just HAVE to cut her off. FORCE her to grow up. I know it's hard being as you're a stepfather (I have one, but am not a stepparent myself). But, your wife married you with the knowledge that you'd be sharing in the raising of her kids....and she should respect your opinions on these matters. I think it's ridiculous that at 21 she's still shuttling between the two houses. I visit my parents, yes, but I don't do it like I did when I was 16!
I thank you both for your input, and for taking the time to respond. I know there is no magic formula when it comes to parenting. I just have a real hard time watching the way my step-daughter plays her mother for a fool. As you can tell, my concern is for my wife. Believe me, I said something once,and my wife climbed all over me. I just can't understand why my wife is so afraid to put her foot down. If my step-daughter doesn't have to grow up, then she won't grow up.
