Coming out help...and 4/20 help with transition?

So I was born as a boy but I'm definitely a female. No question. I'm 19 and plan on being on hormones and as close to full time as possible by the time I'm 20

Ok so that's my background..here's my thread. I've been telling all my close friends lately..and everybody has taken it awesome. However there's a few friends that either pretend to or actually do treat women (it's hard for me to tell, because they don't think of me as one yet!) like dirt. I'm really worried about their reactions, because they're really good friends to me. I know I should just hope for the best that they'll accept it like everybody else..but what if, you know? I'm just curious as to people's thoughts for that.

And my other subject...I partake in quite a fair amount of herbal smoking (3.5+grams a day to myself of some Portland, Oregon grown). I personally feel like it has helped me come to terms with what I want in life, and also help me be more open to people. If anybody else has had that same experience I'd love to hear about it!

Claire

 

When you decide to be open with people, you can't really worry about their reactions, or you'd never be able to be yourself. Unfortunately, trans-people who are accepted by all their friends and family, are in a very small minority. And very lucky. Most trans-people will have problems, either with friends, or family, or both. I told my friend, and he was fine with it. I am actually intersex, (though I did not know this at the time, I just felt like a woman trapped in a man's body) but he always knew me as male. But he accepted me with no trouble, and treated me more like a girl afterwards, but otherwise, our friendship was unchanged. Maybe the fact I had never acted like a male in the first place, made it easy for him to accept, as he did not seem surprised in the slightest by me saying I was really a girl.

Your friends who you're worried about may have a problem with it, but you can't really worry about that. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who is a real friend, will accept you. Those that don't, were never really friends in the first place, and dont deserve your friendship anyway. Unless you are worried about a violent reaction from those friends, then dont care about what they might think. If you do think they might be violent, then Id be more careful.

Good luck with everything

 

Thank you Invisible. I actually sent them letters last night and am still awaiting replies. So we'll see how it all works. Everybody has reassured me it'll be ok, so that's what I'm hoping for!

 

That's a good idea, if you find the idea of telling anyone face to face too daunting.

The only worry I had with telling my friend, was he had made some homophobic remarks in the past. I know trans/intersex issues have nothing to do with homosexuality, but sadly lots of people like to link the 2 things, or confuse them as being similar things. So in that respect, I was slightly surprised by his reaction. Although I don't believe he was really homophobic, it was all bravado really, I think. But like I said, I never acted like a male in all the time we'd known each other, so that was maybe a reason why he found it easy to accept. Because you would expect most people to be surprised by being told something like that, but he wasn't. My mother also wasnt surprised, but then again, she knew things about me back then, which I then didn't. She told me that even when I was a child, she could see that bringing me up as a boy was a mistake, but didn't want to raise the issue with the rest of the family, or to cause any commotion or embarressment with people we knew. So nothing was done about it.

Hopefully, it will be okay. But like I said, most people have some problems when they disclose such things to others. I became ostracised from my whole family as an indirect result of my condition, but this didnt hurt me, as I never felt close to them anyway. Like I say, real friends will accept you, even though they might be shocked at first. If they don't accept you, then you'll probably just have to face the fact that they never were your friends in the first place, not really.

Hope to hear that everything went well with it all

 

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your mom You seem to be describing my friends pretty well, and fortunately I only have good news to say about them being accepting

 

It was weird, cos I always saw myself as female, even as a child. I never thought anyone else picked up on it though, but obviously they did. Most of my male family members thought my behaviour was down to "being gay". Hopefully in the future, trans and intersex children will just be allowed to be the gender they see themselves as. Back when I was born, it was considered quite acceptable to operate on intersex babies, to make them appear "normal" to the rest of the world. And some doctors even today, still think it's an acceptable practice. But things are changing, slowly.

Im very glad to hear that. It is rare for those around trans people to be so accepting. Sounds like you have some great friends around you

 

My friends are amazing It's funny...nobody has once said that they figured it out before I did...when looking back at the last 10+ years of my life, I have clearly acted like a female in 98% of the things I do (the other 2% must be social pressures..I hate those!). I guess I'm just surprised nobody's noticed..

 

Its probably more that its still not a thing that most people think of, when it comes to people they know. Most people are just going to think either "gay", or "effeminate male", when it comes down to it. Thinking "is my friend actually a girl?", is sadly, not going to be how most people view a female transperson, pre-coming out. My friend did not say he "guessed" about me, just that he was not surprised by what I was saying. The great thing was, that afterwards, he started treating me more like he would a female friend, not like I was just a "gay man", or something like that. Which was a huge relief to me.

I think one of the scary things about disclosing such a thing, is not only whether your friends will accept you, but also whether they will see you wholly as the gender you are. I think why so many trans-people who have been forced to start new lives somewhere else, choose not to disclose their pasts, is because they fear being seen as "used to be a man", "tranny", or other derogatory terms which infer that you're not a real woman. When I meet new people, I just introduce myself as a female. I dont think my intersex status, or the fact I was brought up as male, is in any way anyone else's business but mine, and not least the fact that most people don't even have a clue what intersex is anyway. My physical sex is no-one else's business, only my gender. So that is all I disclose.

It seems like you have some great friends, you are very lucky

 

I really like your ideas about my physical sex being my own business.

I am in the process of coming out with my friends and relatives. Although most of my friends say it's best to come out to everyone with a letter, I have, until this point anyways, been talking to people face to face. So far no bad reactions, but who knows what goes on afterward. I generally do talk about my intersex condition because it was only after I began treatment for my intersex condition that I found the courage to follow my dreams and transition. A lot of people ask if I am planning to have surgery or what sexual organs that I have - I think mostly because they just haven't been educated about transitioning or about intersex. I just say that's a long ways away.

I do present as a female when I'm not at work and I'm transitioning at work.
I am finding it to be a really interesting experience. I enjoy telling people about my transition. Most persons are willing to talk or listen but there are those who say "Whatever turns your crank but I don't want to hear about it".

 

I was sort of lucky, that I had no family other than my mother, and only one friend when I decided to disclose my true gender. I wasnt working either, so there's really no-one in my life who knew me as a male. I choose not to tell people I meet because one, its none of their business, and two, its nice to be just treated like an ordinary woman. It is hard, because I still havent had the surgery I need, and that knowledge still hurts me, and makes aspects of my life difficult, particularly relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I have two brothers, one sister and an 86 year old mother. My mother is all there, and I think she might have a better reaction than anyone else in the family. However my sister doesn't agree. She doesn't want our mother to know. In fact she has asked me to wait until after my mother dies. She sure doesn't know much about me or being trans. My mother's health is probably as good or better than mine.
My brothers don't want to know anything.

Because of my age and some unresolved health issues, one being my obesity, I don't think I'll ever have surgery, but I dream about it. Who doesn't? But I have no trouble passing so it's not a huge issue.

I work at an international department store. The Human Resources manager says "Go for it". They have no plan in place and all I need to do is change my name and educate those that have questions.