I am afraid of my parents, especially of my father!

I am 22 years old, I am a Croat, and I live in Croatia, and since I know of myself I knew that I was gay! Last year I told my parents that I am gay, and that got me almost killed! In the past my parents did not talk much about Homosexuality, and when they did, it seemed that they did not cared if someone is gay, just as they do not need to have to do something with gay people! Now, since I have told my parents that I am gay, they behave to me like I am some Mass murderer, or a Psychopath! Every time I say that I am gay, the first thing that my father says is that only Idiots can be gay, because normal people are not gay! Then, if we go on with the conversation he starts to quote those parts of the Leviticus from the Bible where it is writen that men are not supposed to be with men, and that God does not wont that, because He did not made us that way, and that everyone who is gay is not born that way, then my father thinks that when someone is gay, that then that someone was Heterosexual, but somehow dicided to become Gay! And the first time I told my parents that I am gay my father looked at me, and in his eyes was this look of a murderer, and he told me that that is not normal, and that I shall change! Then later, when I told them that when someone is gay they can newer be str8, he grab my neck, and almost killed me with his bare hands! He told me that it was better if I died when I had cancer when I was 7 years old, then that I am that what I am (gay)! He truly hates me because I am gay! He also said that if I do not change he will send me to a mental hospital and that I will stay there until I becomme normal! My mother thiks that those who are gay are bastards, and that they are truly sick! She does even not wont to talk about homosexuality! My Brother said couple of years ago, when he did not know yet that I am gay, that if I where a faggot, that he would renounce me and never talk to me again! Since he knows that I am gay he has not said anything about that, but he does not talk to me much! What shall I do??????????????????????????? I have still health problems, and I do not have any money! I can not move from my parents! I live in a town with 5.000 people, in Croatia where 80% of people hates gay, bi, and transsexuals! I can not live like this any more! Because every thing that has hapened to me I could not go to a University, I do not have money, I live in a town where is absolutely no gay life and I even never had a boyfriend! I even never found out how it is to have your first kiss! Life is just to damm short! I know that the best, then I almost died twice: the first time when I was 7 from cancer, and then when my father tried to kill me just a few months ago! I do not wont much from Life, I just wont that before I die I can say that I enjoyed my life, and that I found out what true love is! Why can my parents accept me as who I am, and just let me live my life???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Should parents not love their children, and should they not wont for them to be happy??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Please, help me! I am desperate! I do not know what to do!

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems. I really wish I knew what to advise you. Please do not feel that you have to be ashamed to be gay. I guess most of the other gay people in your town hide it from their families and live a lie. Sometimes you just cannot change peoples attitudes, especially in a small community. In the UK you would not have to hide your sexuality as most people (Not all) are tollerant of homosexuality. I know and am friendly with many gay people. The best I can advise is to tow the line for the moment. Save up and move to a larger city if you can, where you may find more tollerance. Although I don't really agree with denying who you are, if you feel you are in danger and cannot move on, then that may be the best idea in the short term. Good luck to you. Keep posting on here to get support until you are in a better position to move forward.

 

firts of all, I feel sorry for you. No offenece but your family sound like pricks. If you're old enough to move out do it and cut them all off completely, i've never understood the ties people have to blood relatives.
Secondly, if you are really afraid that your father will try to kill you, carry a knife and learn which parts of the anatomy will cause non fatal wounds when stabbed. Might sound drastic but if you're in a situation where you will be killed then you do whatever you can, right?
No parents ever take the news well, regardless of how much they surpress that (or in your case not). You have to realize this, but in no way do you have to accept it.
If your parents will fund you degree, and your way out of croatia to a country where it is better to be gay, then my advice would honestly be to lie to them and say your are now straight and it was all a mistake and you now praise Jesus (tell them what they want to hear), untill you've got the money you need to leave them behind. It'll be a crap few years but it'll make the rest of your life better and easier.

 

yeah that sounds fucked up man. sorry.
i think the way your parents reacted the chances they'll ever change their mind are next to nothing. and for that reason i think it'd be best if you didn't reinforce the idea of you being gay around them anymore. you might feel like living a lie but in the end it's not worth throwing your life away just so your parents would know the truth. being honest only to get sent to some hospital by your dad and have your life ruined is not worth the honesty. don't become a martyr for this. just try to make things go back to normal and start coming up with a plan to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. if you can, put yourself through college. maybe try to get a job. start saving money. it will take some time but that way you'll be able to move out and start living your own life.

you can tell your parents you're sorry for the way things went with this (which is not a lie) and that you're just confused or something. it happens. get their mind off this subject.

in the meantime you can try to connect with some other Croatian gay guys through internet or something. I just found a map on the internet that says Croatia has same-sex unions, so the overall situation in the country can't be that bad? maybe you can find a support group or something. that'd be another way to connect with other Croatian gays and hear how they got through this.

 

Obviously, the bigotry your parents exhibited in the past led you to come out to them. They used to be not too critical of the gay folks, because none of it really had anything to do with them and their family. They used to be both 'modern' and 'liberal', possibly even 'open-minded' and very 'worldly' for as long as the matter at hand had really nothing to do with them.

Once you came out to them, they grabbed the family bible and started citing from it... And worse.

By insisting that you are gay, you are only making the situation worse for everyone. OK, you told them. They know. They can't be that dense that they need daily reminders on your part.

In the meantime, you need to focus on acquiring good, marketable skills. You seem to write reasonably good English. Croatia is a tourist country. Tourist, hotel and hospitality industries need people like yourself in coastal resorts. Are you good with computers? Can you possibly speak passable German? If so, you have got a winning ticket in your pocket.

Get yourself a job, even if only a modest one at one of the resorts, away from the unloving family, and start moving on from there. Learn how to network and connect. Be prepared to endure some hardship, but start moving nonetheless...

The only way for you to get your life back is to gain independence. This may not be a walk in the rose garden but you know what you ought to do...

KD

 

I perhapse forgot to tell, but I am 22, and over the past time I tried to find some other gay guys over the internet. But, I live in a small town with cca 5.000 people, and I could not find anyone from my town who is gay and that sill lives here. I found one guy, but he left. And when I tried to find guys from other towns of cities, and when I said to them where I live, they almost never send me an awnser again. There are no suport groops in Croatia for gays that I know of! And, the rights of the community are here not that good here, and they will not be bether until the Partys in the parliamant change! About the LGBT rights in Croatia you can read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Croatia (this is an article on the Wikipedia on the English language!). There is a ''Same-sex unions'' in Croatia, but they are not registered, and they are considered a union if two people of the same sex, who are not blood related, live with each other in a partnership for at least three years! And this law says mostly only of those things what if those people split up, but nothin more concrete!

Now, I have finished the croatian middle school, and that is like the high school in the USA, for administrative work! Now, I can work as a secretary. I have tried to find a job, but I could not find anything in that line of work in my town! And, since I have problems with my leg, and since I need crutches to walk, people think that I can not work! I am fluent in speaking English, but I sill have some small problems with writing English, and also I speak and write fluent German, but I still can not find a Job in my town. I am also equipped to work in Windows, I can write on the computer very fast in croatian, english and german, and now I am going on a course in Web-design! But, I really do not know will I be able to find a job in my town, and I do not have any money at this time to go to some other town or a city to work!

The main problem is that I have already los my childhood in the hospital, and now I ussualy do not go out anywhere because I do not have any friends, and I just feel like am loosing my life like I loost my childhood! I do not want to live in an lie, and pretend that I am something that I am not, and that I never was! It is too hard for me to act, and it is getting more and more difficult to do so! And also, sometimes people in my Family can say such mean things about gay people! My father, for instance, says that only idiots can be faggots because normal people are not that way, because that is not normal, and that is not what God wonted, or what He created! In moments like that I get so sick from things like that that I would like to take a gun and kill him, and then to kill myself! I really do not know how long I can handle this! It is just getting to much for me!

 

I understand how you can feel reluctant towards having to go on keeping it to yourself and how it feels and is living a lie. But staying alive (including staying out of any mentioned mental hospitals) is more important in this situation than the freedom of being able to express who you are to your parents. people who feel they are in a position of power over you can and will abuse it to however they see fit. and that might mean they will take full advantage of it. If you feel that the threat that your parents might put you away to a hospital or may cause you physical harm is real then you should just let the issue be with them. the current situation -- living a lie -- might be suffocating and intolerable but really the alternative is much much worse.

Also I hope the killing part was just the frustration talking not you seriously considering such an option=)

take care.