More Sophomoric Poetry

I'm just in those moods right now. This suff has written itself more than I've written it. It's elliptical and too simple. Maybe it'll do something for you.

(For this one, it's just a love song. Think John Mayer I guess.)

Paint me a Picture

I am cold and I am hungry,
Not that much has changed,
I always feel a bit like this,
But now it’s not the same

I am so damn groggy,
But you are wide awake,
But I will rise to walk with you,
On the other side of fate.

Paint me a picture,
Of a frozen sea to slide across.
Paint me a picture,
Of a shadow in the sky.
Paint me a picture
Of red and green, tangerine.
Paint me a picture,
Of what I want to see.
Paint me a picture
Of you and me. (Not sure about this.)

I guess that you are broken,
But I don’t really care,
I’ll mend you if I can.
I’ll mend you if you want.

As the bus wheels go rollin’ by,
I feel it all too clear,
There’s a fever in my heart tonight,
A revolution in the air.

Paint me a picture,
Of a frozen sea to slide across.
Paint me a picture,
Of a shadow in the sky.
Paint me a picture
Of red and green, tangerine.
Paint me a picture,
Of what I want to see.
Paint me a picture
Of you and me.



Another love song, and probably just as sappy.

I’m seein’ that face smiling wide,
And I turn back to make sure everything’s alright,
Is it just me,
Or do I see everything I want to?

And as I’m stomping up the stairs,
Again I see it bright.
The stars flicker in their throne,
And sparkle in the night.

You know what the old cat
Said to Alice as she stalled on her path,
I can’t tell you where to go
If you don’t know yourself.

Look into the mirror,
Make sure you look inside,
How much sense does it make,
For the girl to wink with both eyes?

But that golden hair’s
Got me all twisted up.
How can it be there
When I’m feeling it inside?

But where do you go
When you really know your way
But you just can’t figure out
How to wink with both eyes?

I tell you it’s there
Lost in golden hair.
But I just can’t get over,
How I’m feeling it inside.

 

Your first stanza is bolt strong! Then your rise to that magical bit:
As the bus wheels go rollin’ by,
I feel it all too clear,
There’s a fever in my heart tonight,
A revolution in the air.
Sorry, your chorus doesn't work, not the form but the content. I like your form- terse,direct and melancholic. Keep working at it. And you have rich lyrical flow. It's coming along!

 

It's all good!

S