family rant of sorts...it's kinda long.

Well, I just wanted some outlet to share this story, because I think my roomie is tired of me bitching/venting about my situation, which is not as dysfunctional as some, but has its own share of screwed up, enough to bother me at times.

A little background: my biological dad and my mom got preggo w/ me on accident and their wedding was basically forced by pressures on both sides of the family to "do right by me." They were totally wrong for each other and basically had no real relationship. They divorced when I was 2.

My mom is a sweet person and relatively intelligent, but was babied and spoiled as the youngest of 5, and on some level she never truly "grew up." She missed out on some crucial development as an adult woman, I feel. Namely a sense of strong independence. I don't know how well she would have made it in life if she hadn't met my stepdad.

My stepdad and I were insanely close when I was a small child up until my teen years, when I still did everything my parents told me with no question. He really was an awesome father figure to me in those days, around all the time when my bio dad was too busy boozing it up to spend any time w/ me outside of our scheduled visits. Him and my mom had my sister together. It was awesome for the most part.

When I became a teenager, my independence really came out. I highly resent authority and being told what to do...I mean, I put up with it in a work situation obviously, but when it came to my home life, I developed a resentment w/ my folks because for one, my mom would just bend to my stepdad's will. On one hand, her intent was to make parenting decisions as a team w/ stepdad, which is a good intent. But it was obvious to me that there were times she disagreed with him and still went w/ what he said. My stepdad is the more dominant one in the relationship. I resented both of them for some of their strictness with me, as a lot of it was unnecessary. Like not allowing me to go to an all-ages, drug-free club for teens in my town to hear some bands I wanted to hear, even though the place was supervised by parent volunteers and the like. They did nothing to research the club, just assumed that we'd all be "up to no good" without knowing anything about it. Thusly I began to withdraw from them a little bit, not disclosing anything about my life to them for fear of judgment, and their assumption was that I was, again, up to no good. ugh!

I did make one big mistake as a teenager. I had a long distance bf for a time, and I ran up a rather big long distance bill. I still feel bad for that - it happened out of sheer absent-mindedness, my intention was to pay it back but it got so big that I couldn't afford to pay it all back at once with what I was making at my part-time job. But by comparison to some of the trouble that a lot of my peers got into (namely getting arrested for drugs and drinking, etc.) I really feel like I was a good kid for the most part. They punished me for that by denying me the chance to get my driver's license at the time, as well as being grounded from pretty much everything for the better part of a year. I got pretty depressed from that, and my parents' answer to that is that I was "supposed to be depressed" as I was being punished for this horrible offense I'd committed. I moved out and into my biological dad's house. My stepdad really still seems to resent my independence by comparison to my sister. She was so spoiled and sheltered by them that she's almost 20 and still very dependent on them. I moved out on my own completely (from my dad's) when I was 19. I worked full time and went to school part time. Finding that my dad was too crazy and too much of an asshole to live with, and my parents were too overbearing. The younger sister is an academic overachiever, as well, so she's like the golden child.

Another element to all of this is that it's taken me awhile to figure out who I am, and what I want out of life. I believe that every person comes to it in their own good time. I'm not a fan of forcing teenagers to "just pick a damn career and get a degree" right out of high school. I feel like in our society kids that age are still figuring out who they are. I went to college for 3 years and didn't have a clue what I wanted. My parents did help me with the expense to which I'm very grateful and have told them repeatedly how grateful I am. I'm old enough now for financial aid without having to consider their incomes, so I told them that I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of my life in relationship to my education (and I DID finally figure out what I'd like to do - took me until I'm 26, heh) - I do have some financial hurdles to overcome (namely being able to maintain a living situation financially while attending school without finding myself in a mountain of debt - which I've managed to keep fairly low by comparison to my peers). I am basically refusing their financial help from now on and taking it upon myself and various forms of financial aid to help me out.

So here's the big point. My stepdad is annoying me on several levels. First of all, he's been inconsiderate of my mom's needs lately. He's such a workaholic, he puts work before all else. He's losing his hearing - like, we all have to practically shout at him for him to hear us. My mom and sister are both soft-spoken and have a hard time straining their vocal chords to even talk to him. I've luckily got quite a set of pipes on me so I can talk loudly to him. But it's still annoying to have to repeat things several times. I think he's hanging on to some macho thing like, "I don't need no stinking hearing aid," mentality, but I can tell it's having an effect on his relationships with my mom and sister. It annoys me because to me it seems like he'd rather be stubborn and deny that he needs it than do something to improve his hearing and ability to communicate with people. I feel like he won't do anything until it affects his JOB, because to him work is number 1.

He seems to take people for granted. I've dealt with a lot of deaths in the last 3 years or so, lost a lot of amazing people. I never take anyone for granted now, and try to let people know I appreciate them. I even sent a heartfelt letter to my parents letting them know how much they mean to me. My mom loved it, my stepdad said NOTHING!!!! He acts like all of this is forever, and nothing will ever be taken away. One of the people that's died in the past 3 years is HIS BEST FRIEND. You'd think after his best friend died he'd learn to show a little more appreciation for people. Also, his dad died of a heart attack when he was in his 20's, and he lost his mom the year before his best friend passed away. You'd think someone would learn from all that - nothing is permanent, we need to live each day like it's our last, etc. But he lives each day and treats each person like it'll never go away. Work is more important to him, and he bases everyone's worth on what they do for a living, including himself. He works for a diesel engine plant and with the automotive industry flailing about, his hours at work got cut drastically and he had to work a morning shift for awhile (he's always worked 2nd shift 6 days a week meaning the only real time he got to spend with us and my mom was 1 day a week), meaning he had more time w/ my mom. My mom was all into having her husband home, but all he could do was complain that he wasn't used to that schedule. If I were him, I'd be soaking up that time with the family and really enjoying it. He just can't ever enjoy JUST HAVING FUN or RELAXING. He always has to be "go go go," and if others aren't like him they have a poor work ethic.

He talks to me and my sister like we're still small children. He's insanely condescending and assumes that we don't know anything. I'd feel a lot closer to him if he talked to me like I was an adult in my 20's instead of a 4-year-old. I haven't lived the life that he envisioned me living, but it's never a parent's place to say their child has to live one way or another.

I'll give an example of his condescension: I live in a college town (which sucks because if you're in your 20's everyone wants to ask you what you're doing with your life, so if you're taking a break from school like me you're a leper, haha). I share an apartment with a roommate, and we split all the expenses. I live on very minimal means and live an insanely simple life. I work 3 or 4 days a week, and this is enough to get me by. I find that if I work full time, I burn out and get insanely moody and unhappy. I feel like I live better being somewhat poor but having time to myself to be my own person - making art, writing, making music with people, reading, working out, etc. I find that working full time makes me a zombie and a shell of a person. I had to decide that I want to live a low-stress lifestyle, so I live SIMPLY and on the cheap in order to have a fairly happy existence. To me, money does not equal happiness. I think to him I'm just some dumbass kid who has no direction in life, a slacker, a dropout, something to be ashamed of. He talks down to me, and he even talks down to my overachieving sister who seemingly has it more together than me. He judges everyone based on their schooling and career, not on their character and moral fiber. He doesn't give the benefit of the doubt to anyone and is extremely judgmental.

So what the hell? Does he think we're both just stupid kids floating around the abyss with no clue? Does he think that we need him to constantly badger us about things related to work and school? He was raised to be a complete workaholic by his mom. She was crazy to boot, a very strict, Pentecostal mother. I know for a fact he doesn't mimic much of her parenting style, but the pushing of being a workaholic just like him, not noticing anyone's positive traits and only pointing out what's wrong w/ them, etc. all come from his mom. I judge people on their character, how they carry themselves, their attitude...not their career or education. I wish he'd do the same. After a very close friend of mine tragically passed away recently, he said NOTHING to offer any condolences or comfort. My mom did. My mom is starting to get annoyed with him and his emotional distance, but she also seem to just sweep stuff under the rug and put bandaids on things. Her and I both hate confrontations enough to not initiate diologue with him. She's guilty of being passive/aggressive with him by giving the silent treatment when he has no idea what he did wrong...just saying later that she's "over it." After my friend died my mom sent me this awesome letter in the mail (and we live in the same town) basically detailing what it was like for her and my stepdad to deal with the untimely death of their friend (previously mentioned best friend of my stepdad). She told me how much she appreciates me, how she thinks I'm strong, capable, smart, classy, and she's proud of me - made no mention of my inability to pick a career until now or stick with school - only highlighted my positive qualities. That meant a lot. So at least I've got my mom's backing. Him on the other hand, I feel like our relationship no longer truly exists. I'd confront him about it, but I'm very afraid to. So I keep it to myself a lot of the time, or rant to my roomie or other friends, or rant with my sister. I think me, my mom, and my sister are kinda chickenshits about this whole thing. We all love him, too. That's the thing, despite all this I love the guy to death. We all do, and it's hard to confront someone you love and tell them that they're doing things to hurt you...you risk rocking the boat or making things worse sometimes. But it's truly a boil festering under your skin to keep things like this hidden. So I hope someday that the three of us get the courage to really talk to him about this. We may or may not...only time will tell. Thanks for reading/listening.

 

I've since had a nice heart to heart with my youngest sister (daughter of my mom and stepdad) and she says that she honestly believes he is just kind of how he is, but that he does love us and appreciate us. She's closer with him than me so she would know. I'm trying to be less hard on him and focus on my goals in life and achieving them the way I see fit, but doing it with love and not as a rebellious act against him. Trying to be as forgiving as possible.

 

wow ! You have kept all this stuff in for a long while it seems.. thats a WHOLE LOT of typing in these two threads. Hopefully tapping it all out will, if nothing more, show you how bad it is to keep it all pent up inside.. Keep writing it down n see how much better you feel after learning to let it all out...

next step is to embrace all this shit n then... let it go,,, forgive everyone including yourself...

nice job on getting in shape n lsoing weight n all that...

 

Yeah, I don't really have a lot of people to tell this stuff to. It did help to get it off my chest. Thanks for the positive feedback on the weight loss - feels good!