confused over break up, ex-gf has an E.D.

hello everybody, couple of months ago my girlfriend broke up with me after a year, and this was made all the more upsetting because i genuinley wasnt sure what the reason was.

I should tell you now she is suffering with an eating disorder, pretty badly.

Her behaviour became very strange and unpredictable.
The first example that i saw was at christmas time. We had been on a christmsa night out with friends, and afterwards, i raised the issue that she never ate anymore. She was drunk, and got really upset and told me that she had only made herself had 3 meals since March (this was last December), and whenever i or her family took her out for dinner she made herself sick as soon as she got home. She also said that whenever her Mum brough her her shopping(she lives by herself), she immidiatley threw away all the chocolate and other "fat" foods "incase she eat them".

Then, at my birthday, 4 weeks before we broke up, it went a bit further.
On the night off my birthday celebration, She text me saying she felt "so sad", and then turned up 2 hours late. The later on that night, in a nightclub, she was in tears and told me that i should go out with someone normal,that she was too fat to go out with me, and that she was ashamed of herself. The next day she kept on apologising, saying how sorry she was, and two days later she came to see me and told me she had been crying all weekend as she was sure i was going to break up with her, which i wasnt.

The last time i was with her before we broke up she told me she hadnt had a meal, apart from when i had taken her for dinner, for 2 months. Normally when stuff like that has happened, ive tried to give he a shoulder to cry on and be supportive, but on this occasion i kinda got quite annoyed and had a bit of a go at her. We didnt fall out, but i kind of let her know that unless she sorted it out she was going to end up in hospital.

It was a really good day though, we both had fun. In the four days between then and us breaking up, she must have text me everyday saying that she loved me, including texting me saying she loved me12 hours before we broke up.
Anyway, i was on the train to meet her when she texts me saying that she was sorry. I replied asking her why she was sorry, and she replied "for what i have to tell you."

Obviously then i relaised something was wrong, and what was going to happen, so i text back asking why she wanted to break up and she text back saying we should split because things were different now. The next day she said we split up because i didnt seem that bothered about making an effort to improve the relationship, and the next day it was because i never put her first.

After we broke up, i should have taken a step back and realised she had stuff going on in her life and given her some space, but i kept asking her what was going on, telling her how much she meant to me etc. I know this was a wrong move, but it was very difficult to understand. She was so nasty though, and it seemed she was trying to push me away for some reason.

Then about 2 weeks later, she drunkenly phoned me and said it was because she needed to be on her own becuase then no-one could tell her what to do and she didnt need to tell anyone anything.

She also said she was sorry for trying to make out it was all my fault but she didnt know if she could have a boyfriend just now. So basically, because of her eating disorder. We were kind of still on speaking terms, but i text her one night, nothing heavy, just like "hey, what you upto", and didnt reply, so i decided i wasnt texting her again.

A couple of nights later, i was hammered and bumped into her best pal in the pub, and i was talking to him about the situation, and i drunkenly told him that i was really sad we had broken up and i really loved her. He obviously told her this, and the next night she text me saying "hey, i heard you were talking to alan last nite? "

my reply kind of steared it away from that, as i was a bit embarrased by what i said, and i was just like "yeah, i was hammered, cant really remember. Hows things?"

Since then, she has text me quite a few times, and even phoned me one night but i missed her call and couldnt phone back as i had no talk time. I should just have phoned back the next day but for some reason i didnt.

Over the course of the relationship her personlaity and behaviour changed greatly.

I could see things changing becuase of her situation, but i hung in there because i had hoped she would get better. One day we would get on great, the next she would be miserable, telling me how "sad" she felt.
A week before we broke up, we had a fantastic day in town, just having a great laugh, getting on great etc. The very next day, she was in a completley foul mood, grumpy, sullen and withdrawn. I asked what was wrong and she said "nothing". I asked if i had done anything, she said no. Another exampe of her crazy mood swings.

The next day she text me saying simply "i love you". I text back "love you more". Her reply was " thats impossible." Then the next day was our last day together, again a really good day apart from the thing she said about how infrequently she ate meals.

She went from being a talkative confident funny girl to being shy, withdrawn and quiet. We still got on great 95% of the time as i knew the reason she had changed was because of her issues.

Anyway, sorry for the really long message, hope some of you can give me some advice as i really love her to bits and and i have no idea what to do.

 

be her friend - time will heal this, but you cannot do it for her

and please do not think it was wrong of you to tell her that you care about her, she needs to know there are people out there who love her

i hope she finds the help/answers she needs, as it seems like she's a great girl and the two of you could make this work if you want it to....hang in there, and good luck!

 

I have five words for you: She has an eating disorder. She is not going to be mentally stable because she is mentally ill. Probably the last thing she needs is a boyfriend. A friend, however, would probably help her a great deal. The next time you speak to her, tactfully broach the subject and tell her you're worried about her. If she gets defensive, don't get defensive back. Use "I" statements, be gentle and use a soft voice, stay calm. Just tell her that you care too much about her to just let it go, but at the same time you realize that she has to make her own way. Then proceed to tell her that whatever happens, she always has the option to call or text you, and that she always has your friendship. That's honestly the best thing you can do for her at this point. Unfortunately beyond that, the best thing you can do is lie back from the situation but still be available enough should she need to talk. She might not call or text you, but believe me if she knows you're there it will be a comfort to her. She changed because of a mental illness that she needs professional help for, and it could be a long time until she decides to get that help. The last thing she needs is a boyfriend. I don't know what her family knows of it...are they aware of it? Does she have a decent support network should her health start failing where someone could intervene? Anyway, be a good friend and also be sure to look out for yourself and take care of number one, too. I would probably, just to guard your heart a bit, start trying to move on from the breakup as if you guys are broken up for good. She may come around but she may not, but in the meantime you should love yourself.

 

thanks for your advice. She lives by herself, and while her family know of her problems, they live 40 miles away, and ive been there many times when her mum hsa phoned her asking her if she has had anything to eat, and she has lied through her teeth basically, and said she had just had dinner when she hadnt.
I just really wish id (a) realised sooner, and (b) handled it differently instead of kind of trying to sweep it under the carpet