Hey everyone, i just joined and found this forum, thought it would be a good place to ask for help with the story im writing. It's set about 100 years after a catastrophe of some kind devasts the world. Untitled You’d think the desert would be unbearable, but if you know how to work it anything can be done. The dust mask started to irritate the side of my nose, so I pulled the dull rag away from my face. As the scratchy cloth pulled back my hair, the sun immeadetly began to mercilessly beat down upon my features. Keeping the sun off you is key. Everybody burns, that problem is obvious, but few people think about the moisture lost through your skin and being cooked like a potato in the heat. So you dress more than you would first have thought. Breathable, light colored, loosely woven cotton draped about you is the way to go. So that’s what I did. The dust mask is to prevent dust from getting in my eyes while I’m on the road. You could have probably figured that out, but just letting you know. Let’s see, where was I… oh yeah. Leaning over the hood, head buried in machinery and hoses, I pull furiously at the offending nut, one more good tighten and things will be golden. With a squeal, the rusted thing tightens snugly against the undercarriage. “Now, don’t come off again, you hear me? You pitched me into a ditch once today already, now if it happens again…” I left the nut wondering as to what I would do as punishment for its failure. By its silence, I knew it was terrified. I don’t blame it. Sandy colored cotton robe and hood, dust mask with the menacing eye slits pushed up over my brow, subsequently pushing my messy hair straight up towards the unforgiving sun, and leather belt that dipped slightly to the right side where it held up a large revolver, I would be scared of me too. But not that scared. I was going for wandering Berber/county sheriff look, not quite the biker/skinhead/maniac look the general populace of the Borders had going. I couldn’t make that work. Just not me. I had to keep a look out for them as I crossed this channel of violence in a sea of chaos. But I had a noble calling, at least. I am a protector of order in this wasted land. A harbinger of peace and law in a desolate sea of destruction. My mount thus secured, I stepped to the rear and underneath the bin of my precious cargo, I pulled the rip cord and the engine growled into life, and the machine began to roll forward. I pulled down my mask and hopped into the seat, gripping the rattling wheel and pressing my foot to the pedal. It jerked forward and stopped. Rubbing my smarting head from wear it hit the steel piping, I tried a second time, and this time the four wheeled demon took off. Quickly reaching its top speed, the machine hummed along the beaten road, and I breathed a little easier. But not that much easier, a bandit ambush still may be waiting down the road. But any number of things could have happened upon me while I was fixing my demon in the open desert. Juking to the left to avoid a dilapidated hull, the machine almost took me for another spin into a ditch. This is ridiculous. Up a gentle hill. Dodge a pothole. I did these movements with a practiced ease. One gets used to this demon surprisingly quickly, so although I could still count my number of runs on two hands I handled the machine the deliberate way an artisan sculpts a figure for a nobleman. If the General trusted me with not only the machine but weaponry and most importantly, this cargo, clearly I was doing something well. I couldn’t wait to get back to the Notsahb though. This wasteland route pays well, but it is lonely out here. Well, minus the bandits. Should keep an eye out for them. But god, how I would love to sit down with my mates at the Three Goblins and have a good meal with a roaring fire nearby, good music playing in the corner and general merriment ensuing! How I miss that- A net suddenly appeared, strung across the road and before I could stop it was around the front wheels, and the machine was lifted up off the ground and flipped over, sliding several yards further along the dusty road before coming to a stop. Vision graying, and with a terrible headache, I unbuckled myself and untangled myself from the wreckage that was my ride home. Whoops and yells were making their way down an incline to wear I leaned up against my broken demon. I felt my head, and my hand came back wet. Not good. Torches, and men carrying them, appeared over the small hill I had slid down, and I fumbled with my revolver. Bandits. Fantastic. This is going to be a long day. Or night, the sun was slowly making its way down behind the horizon, beginning the enchanting sunset that was the only beautiful respite from this hard land. I spun the cylinder, the cool steel rhythmically clicking against the mechanisms. Hopefully my opponents would not be as powerfully armed as I. From my position I could spot only a dozen figures. I have a bit more, but i'm not really happy with it... i wanted an exciting beginning to pull the readers in. I don't really want it to be about violence, i mean i like exciting war stories but i really wanted to focus on the similarities in culture between our world and this future. I ended up writing the short fight scene with beautiful nature imagery, to try and contrast the harsh battle. If you wsant ot see it it, I'll post it.
It is a good start. Action at the begining is a good way to get someone's attention. First person is out of the norm for fiction reading and is another good way to hold attention early, IMO. Only thing is that you may want to double check the your tense agreement (past and present) in a couple cases. Excluding the quote (which is naturally present tense...) most of it is first person past tense but there are a couple of descriptions which are first person present tense and makes the bit read funny at those spots. Other than that, I will repeat that it is an interesting beginning. Of course, I am a science fiction buff. I hope this doesn't clutter the thread too much. You could make a thread for discussion only. If you do, I will remove this content and transplant it to make for smoother reading of the material. TheGrayRaven
Thanks! and no i don't think its clutter at all, your the only poster in fact haha and yeah tense agreement is the biggest weak point in my writing, i really have to work on that, so thanks for the help!
