In a open relationship and it works but...

I've been dating this guy for over two years. We have been best friends way before that and together it seems perfect. We both completely trust each other and we are completely open and honest with each other. We are really strong together and feel since we were best friends before boyfriend/girlfriend, its very easy to be open with each other about anything, no matter what we talk about. We totally love each other but our relationship is way different from the norm. That is what keeps us happy and well. We are both in somewhat of an open-relationship and we are both bisexual. We both like men and women and that seems to make us feel balanced.

I also just came back from a 3 month business trip a couple months ago and was gone for awhile. Since I came back we decided to get a little more serious. We pretty much just took the relationship to the next level and also moved in together. We talk about meeting other people. He would like to meet this guy and I've been interested in a girl. We may pursue whatever it is we want out of these people, which are friendships, relationships and lovers but the only rules are honesty, trust, anti-betrayal and we all must be friends with these people. He could meet a 100% total gay guy and is aloud to have sexual and romantic relations with him but the guy must be friends with me even if only platonic, and vice versa. In the last two years I slept with one other man and one other woman while he only slept with one man. A man I introduced him to, 6 months into our relationship.

This guy is someone I've known for five years. His name is Chris and he's a very attractive gay male I thought my boy would be interested. I only encourage him to meet good guys. But this guy who I know, I don't really know well. I know that when I first met him he didn't like me that much one bit. Not for any reason, but he just had something against me and he's the type of person who doesn't like people for random reasons. But the people he does like, he is a very loyal and good friend. He is a really cool guy, a Buddhist, herbalist and nature guy. Seems very laid back but can be very emotional and dramatic at times. I just knew he hated me but over the years he mellowed out but within time, I still didn't have the slightest clue whether or not he still had a weird hatred toward me or not. So he was just an acquaintance who I never really talked to but he no longer acted like an ass around me. But I wanted to be the cool girlfriend and I introduced my bf to Chris because I know this guy is pretty good looking and he likes men, so I was pretty much just trying to get my guy laid. haha.

They ended up becoming good friends and had a connection. That was a little over a year ago when I introduced them to each other and Chris quickly became attached to my bf. My boyfriend likes him back but sees no real boyfriend/boyfriend monogamous relationship like Chris wants. I didn't think this guy was even interested in monogamy. I've seen him at every party almost every weekend for a few years before my bf met him so I know he isn't exactly a saint. I know enough about him to where I know he has been around the block quite a bit. But I remember after I introduced him to my bf, he all of a sudden wanted to be my friend. He acted like he was glad I was in his life and thanked me all the time for introducing him to my bf. But I didn't really talk to him much about it and I guess he didn't even know he was my boyfriend. I guess for about a month there was a little three way relationship going on. Those two messed around and then I was with my bf, but at the time him and I were keeping our relationship more low key. So I guess nobody really knew we were together because of the fact that we were swingers and nobody really even knew. But we had nights where my Chris and I would both be doing naughty stuff to him at the same time under the blanket. There were two occasions, one time when we were drunk and another when we were tripping on acid so we were intoxicated both nights. I just assumed that he knew that I was seeing him too. I thought everyone knew. So did my bf. But the third night we were going to do this, it was actually our one year anniversary of dating, on New Years Eve of '08 and Chris shows up at the door. We all hang out and then start doing stuff. We were all kissing and doing other things for about 20 minutes when Chris all of a sudden stopped. He was drunk and just got up and walked out of there. My boyfriend and I stopped doing stuff and all of a sudden it was a bit awkward and we were confused. We got dressed and by the time we walked out of the room he was gone. Couldn't find him and assumed he just left. It was a mood killer so we stopped and discussed what happened. My bf tried to call his cell and he wouldn't pick up. Then we were both upset and didn't know what to do so we just talked about what happened for the next half hour when his guy friend calls him back and is all pissed. I guess then he was drunk dialing all of our friends which are all of my friends too and tells them that we had a hidden relationship and that I locked him out of the room and a bunch of made up stories. He's known all my friends way longer than I have and somehow I lost a bunch of friends and a lot of people I know are mad at me. None of them have heard the truth and all of them think I just stole his (my) bf from him and that they were boyfriends because he told all our friends that they were dating even though my bf kept telling him that he doesn't want to be monogamous boyfriends the way he wants to be. He made that clear from the beginning. But all of a sudden I have people, even people I don't know hating me. And these people are all between the ages of 25-29 and acting like high schoolers. But no one was mad at my bf, I was just the bad guy. Not both of us. They were all just misinformed. But what is really weird is that this is 15 months later since (we are in May now=) that night and I still have all my old friends hating on me and I'm not aloud over to certain houses anymore based upon rumors. But I don't really care because f*ck them, seriously. But my bf and this guy kept seeing each other. I really didn't care. I still like Chris and feel horrible for him and wish him the best. But he is hurting himself, staying with my boyfriend. He knows whenever my guy and I are together he is still VERY jealous and hates knowing that. So really, they shouldn't be intimate anymore unless Chris is willing to really be comfortable with it. But he can't be near me at all. I haven't been able to be in the same room as him since he flipped out over a year ago. This is all his call. I would love to hang out with him and be friends but if he is talking smack then I don't want him in my life or really my bf's. I know my bf cares about him a lot and he also loves my bf like I love him but a few months ago Chris went to jail for something he did 7 years ago and never got caught for. He only did a month and half in jail and just got out of jail and is really hurt that my bf and I are living together and we even see a future together and this really hurts him. All my old friends are even more upset with me than before and my bf helps me deal with being tormented by them. He says I should just get rid of them all from my life and we'll both together just meet new people and make new friends and forget about the past and don't let anyone get to us. We're doing good. We're making new friends and forgetting about all of them but he has a hard time leaving Chris. I wouldn't want him to leave him if Chris could just be cool with me and not bad mouth me anymore. I really don't know if he is or not. But I know it's hard for him to accept and he knows we're going to be together for a long time. I can see why he is so hurt. But we do have a rule that if we see other people they must be both of our friends. But the relationship between my bf and Chris has been going on for such a long time. It's hard for them to end it when for the longest time I used to not care.

But all I'm asking is, should my boyfriend break an intimate relationship with Chris because if he continues a relationship with him it'll only make Chris love him more and be more heartbroken in the long run and I don't like the idea that people are shit talking. I don't know if Chris is the main cause for bad mouthing or not. He says he isn't and my bf believes him and he thinks his good friends are just taking sides. I know he must have said something a year ago when it really hurt him. But Chris does love my boyfriend and I know my boyfriend has feelings for him too. It hurts him to not see him but he's doing that out of respect for me. It hurts me to see him somewhat heartbroken though. I like Chris but I want us all to just be okay with each other. I know its hard for Chris though cause he is heartbroken. Should my bf stop seeing Chris or just go back to how they were? I know this is a long story but I need to give a lot of detail cause I'm a bit stoned and can never seem to stop writing after smoking. Please no homophobic and rude feedback either.

 

Express your concern over it. If both of you are very big on openness and honesty, and this guy that your boyfriend is with is not open or honest, maybe you two should analyze that together and make a decision- or let him make the decision.

Maybe the best route after talking it out with your boyfriend is to talk to Chris about it. Tell him that the relationship between you two is sacred to the two of you and that you have no problem with Chris being in your boyfriends life as a lover because he adds sweetness to it- but it really isn't worth risking what you two have. Tell him that if he can't face the jealousy and if he can't stop shit talking you or resolve his issues with you that your boyfriend is going to have to cut him out of his life.

Get him a gift. Get him the book The Ethical Slut. Tell him to first read the section on jealousy and dealing with it. It really is enlightening. It's really not worth the drama. There are other lovers out there for your boyfriend who will live harmoniously with the both of you.

 

I cannot possibly see why your BF still can stomach this guy. He obviously has messy intentions and has NO IDEA how good communication brings benefits to relationships...walking out and talking to other people...this is a horrible sign...I would be very cautious of planning a life with your BF, before you address this problem. You could also tell your BF to change Chris's attitude on communication and jealousy. But once a person has been living with an attitude, for what I imagine is pretty much his whole social life, he would be very hard pressed to change and you would run the risk of him not taking what you say seriously, to get into your hearts and take what he seems he wants all to himself. I am extremly confused about your BF. It looks like you are the one carrying the relationship, if he still wants to be with a person with no communication skills, little openenes and not to mention integrity...What would he say about this?

 

Too loooong

 

Okay, I read that, and I think your bf is being mean to this Chris guy. I wouldn't have allowed the relationship to continue in your situation, but hey, whatever works for you guys.

I would really figure out your boyfriends intentions... and hopefully he is being safe with these boys. Good luck getting this figured out.

 

didnt read your whole but ive had a few open relationships---i dont wnt to hear the details but i was happy whevever my girls came over--and they were welcome to crash at ny pad with no strings attached---but we normally had sex and as long as u dont fall in love open relationships are the best--if youu fall in love your fucked--that happened to me and i tried to be controlling and monagamous and it just ruined everything---cant be jealous in those types of relationships----GOOD LUCK--and i wish u happiness and Peace---actually to me u sound reallwell adjusted-the jeasousy is coming from your boyfriends lover--wants him for himself and if he cant get over it your in for nothing but trouble---again i wish u good luck--your bf is a lucky man

 

I beg to differ. It is possible to fall in love and have open relationships with those whom you love. It's OK to feel jealous, but recognize that it's just another negative emotion, like sadness or anger or fear, and it will pass. Trying to exert control, though, gets problematic.