intelligence of a child. Now I'm not a parent, nor do I plan to be for some time. However my ex girlfriend who lived w/ me for a couple months had a 3 yr old son. He was such a doll. So smart. He could count to almost 20 and knew most of his ABCs. Listened so well etc. Anyway, she was still married at the time. Now every time she would take him to see his father he'd scream "I don't wanna go see Daddy, I wanna stay with Adam". At first this was kind of sad to see, but in a way it was heartwarming. Then I found out that when it was time to come home hed scream "I don't wanna go to Adams, I wanna stay with Daddy". At first it seemed as though it were the child being fickle. Not out of choice but out of not understanding. Then it hit me. What if this is the childs way of crying out for stability? Obviously he has no idea what it really is, but he knows that the constant change is unwelcome. Is it possible for children to be that intuitive to their own needs at such a young age, or am I putting way too much t hought into this?
kids are very smart!! they do know what they need, but we as parents usually ignore those needs and do what we think is best. separated parents are never what's best, but it happens way too much. you are going to have to expect some messed up little kids when the divorce rate is at 50%!!!!! people need to be thinking ahead when they say "i do" about how willing they are going to be to work at something when it is failing, or if they are just going to give up. so i'd say yes that little boy is torn to shreds inside, but since the "right" thing to do is to let him see daddy, there is not really anything you can do about it. sweetpeace
i think youre right adam. everyone is born with insticts, right? i think people just learn not to react to them as they grow older and get a better grasp on their emotions. so it is reasonable that a young child would make a subconcsious effort to correct the things that they dont feel are right. so i guess babies dont really know what they want or who they are, but they have a feeling of what they need.
The boy's emotions are definitely real and you do need to try and read into their limited words to try to figure it out-- perhaps yours is not exactly the right read but it sounds like the most possible to me. Perhaps your ex unwittingly was saying things to the boy like "now we have to go see your dad" to conflict with "your daddy loves you" making him alternately think daddy's bad then good. He sure is smart but he would never have counted to 20 unless he absorbed that from the stuff you and your ex were teaching him. and for every one thing a 3 yr. old can express in words he feels and knows in his head hundreds more. I made the mistake once of saying, more to myself then to my 3 yr old son, "I hate your dad" and for weeks he oscillated between "i love daddy" and "I hate daddy" until I made sure I always gave him the impression that his daddy was lovable. Now that doesn't mean I think you should lie to kids NO WAY just not let your emotions affect their perceptions of the world. In fact, I"M the one lying when I said I hated his dad because I don't I was just mad at him. Anyway, if you're not a parent and coming into this forum anyway, it sounds like you should go be a Big Brother, Boys n Girls club guy, or date single moms. You got the bug, boy! Becca
Absolutely. Even babies know it's natural to have two parents. When i worked in the nursery at my mom's church, there was this one little boy, about a year old, whose parents were married, but his Daddy was away, except for few weekends of the year (some kind of military doctor, or something). This kid was very laid back, and easy to watch, but quiet--he mostly sat back and observed the other kids--the fascinating thing was, we could always tell when Daddy was in town, because he was so much more active, alert, and happy! And when his Daddy came to pick him up--wow, he just beamed.
I knew that, and constantly told myself that, but it didn't make it any easier to not get attached. I almost cried one day because he called me 'Dad', and I said, "No, I'm Adam. Your daddy's at home right now.". He looked at me and said "Don't worry Adam, you are my daddy". It was soooo adorable. Although since his mom was at work, it was really hard for me to try to explain to him why even though I was taking care of him I wasn't his daddy. I know I don't ever want to put myself in that position again. It's so hard when they leave. And that's where I'll leave this before I get all emotional and sappy.....
Oh yes, children are extremely smart. It angers me that people think of babies as almost "brainless" and how they aren't aware. They are! I think that children can sense things, sometimes even moreso than adults, and it sounds to me like that little boy was crying out for some stability, like you said. He might not have had the right words to say it yet, but his actions showed his emotions. Much peace, and although I harped on you a bit about your parenting mission post, I think that you will make a very good father one day. You seem to really love children.
On my job I work with moms who have had their children removed by the state due to drug use. The children are reunited with the moms when they come into our program. My boss and others would tell me that it's best with the little ones because they don't really know who mom is anyway. But I always knew this was not true. One day a caseworker brought a baby into my office. This was the sweetest, happiest 3 month old you've ever seen. She laughed and played with us. When her mom walked into my office, the baby took one look at her and started screaming at the top of her lungs. She continued to scream for the next 18 hours. Finally she turned and looked at her mom, broke out in this hugh ear to ear grin and turned over and went to sleep. It was as if she was saying "You left me. You were gone for a long timeand I'm mad at you. But now I'm over it. Goodnight." She never cried like that again. No one around my office ever said again that babies don't know. This little one proved to everyone what she knew. Babies know who mom is even when they've been separated for a long time. Babies know the sound of mom's voice. When we first brought Dakota home from Guatemala he would turn every time he heard someone speaking Spanish. He recognized the sounds and he was only 5 months old. Kathi
i don't totally believe this. my ex's current gf (since '97) is essentially a second mom to my daughter. she spends a large amount of time feeding, watching, cleaning up after, shopping for, answering questions, dealing with problems, making decisions etc. we have set aside our differences(mostly mine ) and decided to work together. it has taken alot of time, but it is a wonderful thing for my child. on mothers day the three of us went for lunch and an outing. on halloween we all took her trick or treating. ... ok, so my daughter just asked me something and i've lost my train of thought, but i guess my point is that it may be possible, it just takes alot of mutual confidence, respect and effort and, of course time.
My son does the exact same things when transitioning from place to place. (I am with his daddy) I'll take him to grandmas and he'll say I dont want to go to grandmas I want to stay at mommies house but when he gets there he says for me to go..then I come get him and it's I don't want to go to mommas house I want to stay at grandmas...same with other situations as well. I don't think it's a cry for help in my own situation..I dont know about yours but I would say its totaly normal. They get comfortable in one place and don't want to be removed. But it's good for him to get used to being in different places and situations it helps him adjust to bing in different places with different people. If I was you I would not worry too much about it or read too much into it unless you believe that you see it as harmfull to him. I know once my son is onhis way home he forgets all about not wanting to come home with me we change the subject and he's in a whole new frame of mind and onto something different...when we get home he's fine and he starts playing...
