Thinking of leaving my wife, so scared!

So, I met my wife about 2.5 years ago. We kicked off really well, and started dating. She moved in almost immediately and it has always been so great with her in my life. She is an awesome and intelligent girl with so much ahead.

Right before I met my wife, I was engaged to another girl(we'll call beth) for a while. During that relationship, "beth" and I got to a point where we were unhappy and stagnant for months. In the midst of this, I hung out with a female friend (we'll call amber), her husband, and my fiance. We hung out together all the time and we all got along great. To shorten my rants, after a while of this I realized I had a serious thing for Amber. I kept it down forever and never said a word, and one day I realized we were like looking at one another when we were hanging out alone together with that look you give one another when you know you want each other.

We had a serious talk about our feelings for one another then, and she decided after a day she couldn't leave her family for me. I was not so happy though, and decided to leave my fiance regardless, I just was not happy and I am not a person to lie. So, I did, and then "Amber" came running back wanting me, which I had really given up on by then. We talked and talked, and eventually she backed down again. Then, she suggested maybe I should just find someone to mes around with to test my feelings over. Amber introduced me to her friend who we will call "Jen", who is now my wife.

The first night Jen and I hung out was with Amber and her husband and we all rolled together. It wasn't a group sex situation, but my wife and I ended up pretty much together beside Amber and her husband on the floor, one big sort of fun room, you know. That wasn't awkward at all for me because I have never really let myself think of Amber sexually. I a gonna post this and begin again below...

 

Continued....

After the night we rolled, Jen and I really hit it off and started dating immediately. Looking back, I feel like I was throwing myself at her like a madman to block the thought of Amber. We dated for a few months, and then her parents both passed at once, and I felt this deepest duty to take care of her and help her through, and I think we really developed something deep from all of that.

That was right at two years ago. About 9 months ago, we decided to get married, as it seemed it would help us both in attaining our mutual goals and get a family started. We discussed and discussed and thought everything was perfect, but two days before the week of our wedding, Amber and I were hanging out like normal friends. All of a sudden we both get this anxiety and feelings came out again. We talked and talked, and I talked and talked to my friends, and I was finally convinced I had cold feet.

We got going again and Jen and I got married. We have been happy now for a while. We are both good friends with Amber and her husband and both of us love their kid. I have learned also that my wife and her husband were best friends all through school. The feelings I have had for Amber faded some, mainly because I think we have both been so scared to hurt the situation. She and I got into a very good, deep, trusting friendship for a while, and I grew to love that as much as the thought of being with her.


Now though, things are off again. About two weeks ago, we all went out to this big party in town that lasts all day and into the night for fireworks. My wife had to work all day but would arrive at the party at 7. I hung out with my friends all day, and didn't see my wife all day. She arrived at the party and we hung for a few minutes, but right before the fireworks started, I caught Amber's eyes out of the blue, and we ran away from the party and just walked and talked til almost too late to see the fireworks.

Ever since then I have had Amber in the middle of my head. I didn't hang with her for a while after that to test myself. About three days later, the lines opened again between us. We have been hanging out together alone as much as possible, and not being respectful to our other loved ones. She lies to him about where she is and I tell my wife I am actually with Amber and others. Next post...

 

Yesterday was the breaking point for me in this thing. Amber and I talked all morning on the phone, first about awkwardness and what to do about our feelings. We finally agreed to sit on those for a minute and try to maintain the friend thing. Well, after that, I was home randomly from work and Amber called me to ask if she could come by. I said yes....

So she came by. It was awkward at first, I talked about the house and my wife, and then she described about the grand plan she had with her husband now. She told me the exact thing that she said she'd dreamed of with me, and said all this about how he was going to change and quit being a jerk to her, yada yada, yada, basically it was breaking my heart.

But then, before I knew it, I don't how it happened, I really blacked out on this movement or something, but we went from being across the room from one another, to being wrapped together, kissing, holding, and looking at one another open eyed the whole time. We didn't make love or even stay like that long. It didn't even turn me on at all. I just got the most certain feeling from it ever.

"This is the woman I love." is all I have thought since. I can still bring my wife into my head, and all she feels like is a friend. I can't find the ways I felt about her just this morning, those feelings became consumed by this one moment. It is so painful for me to be in the house with her right now. I feel like I should leave her or just tell her something, because I can't rightfully keep this hidden. The thing is, my wife are so interconnected in our lives right now, with the house, money, all that. Same with Amber and her family. BUt I know deep inside that I want Amber in my life more than anything, I want to have her son around, and I want to be able to spend time with both of them, out in the world, away from hidden rooms where people lie to their husbands and wives on cell phones to stay happy a little longer.

I want to live a life of Truth. I feel that the only consequences that are truly meaningful and genuinely a lesson are those garnered from sacrifice of falsehood. And only for the sake of duty to my fellow people. So, I have to make a decision here, I have to find the truth of my feelings, or the best way for everyone out of this. Arggh....

 

You don't seem to have any clue what it is that you want. Instead of jerking all these girls around while you wait for your attention to be diverted to another, why don't you just be single for a bit. Or date casually. You seem to jump from one "serious" relationship to another.

 

If your current wife isn't the woman who you love you need to tell her. You can't live a lie. As far as Amber is concerned she needs to do what she feels is right. If that means staying with her current husband than that's something you'll need to accept.

 

yeah, i have been taking some to my wife, she has been very understanding to a point. Also, I am not trying to jump from one boat to another of the same type. I really want to find myself and get on level ground before anything, but I just know that because I feel this way about someone besides my wife. Amber and I simply have more together, even if only as friends. We listen to one another better and also seem to relate to the same ideals about our lives and dreams. I have told her over and again, I just want to get to a point where everyone is honest toward each other and we all have made a decision. I am more than willing to have no one if it means we all know the truth.


The big issue here is how to get on the same page with my wife again, or find a way to try and remain trusting to one another at least....

 

Hello

I think the problem you are facing is irresolvable with the way you approach it. It seems like you are asking, the wrong questions. Such as,should I move my life and feelings towards Amber or keep things the way they are or leave my wide and hope something happens with Amber?

This type of questioning, leaves out of the equation of happiness one fundamental thing - what if we were not meant to be with simply one person and what if relationships were not meant to be so one dimensional? For example, you ask whether you should stay with your wife, leave her or try to make something with Amber. And although it may not have occured to you yet, what if the answere is a happy median?

On the one hand you have monetary ties with your wife and they are hard to break, on the other you have no real strong feelings for her and are exploding with love for Amber. Is there any way that these things, essential and nessecary can be balanced?

You also are very lucky - your wife and Ambers husband were best friends. You already all four had a sexual experience together! If you can jsut talk about your feelings in the open, I am sure you can come to some sort of better balance between each others overlapping feelings. Who knows, it could just be that this is the best way to happiness in this situation because all your hearts are intertwined in this.

My suggestions is simple - try to bring these emotions out in the open, between the four of you...emotions that I am sure your wife and Ambers husband probably are already aware of. Use the power of love in this one and connect each others lives, it may just be the only way to satisfy all your happiness.

Have fun!

 

Marriages are a scary territory and if you're bringing access baggage into it, like harboured feelings for someone else, it's even trickier. You have to ask yourself why you married your wife and pushing the thought of "Amber" aside, figure out exactly how you feel about your wife.

The thing that pisses me off more than anything in this world is the fact that society jumps into these vows and no one ever takes them seriously. This is coming from someone who is in the process of getting a divorce and I did absolutely everything in my power to try and make the marriage work, because those vows were sacred (yes, for me on a religious level, but more than that it's sacred between you and your spouse, it is the commitment you made to one another.) But it didn't work out because he didn't want to be a husband or a father after the fact and refused to look at marriage in the same way.

As much as it sucks, if you want your marriage to work, you need to cut Amber out of your life. If you cannot be friends with this woman without clinging to these feelings, then it's only going to destroy your relationship with your wife. Your marriage should take top priority over the friendship.

If you have no interest in continuing the relationship with your wife then you're better off separating, but know that with marriage there will always be ups and downs. There will always be phases where you're not madly in love with one another and times when you'll want to kill each other. It's a part of living with someone and creating a life with someone. But, a marriage is a commitment to work through those problems and if your wife is willing to work with you, consider working with her.

It doesn't sound like Amber is willing to leave her husband for you and she's been leaving you hanging for years. That wouldn't be healthy for you either.

It's a tough situation, but try and remember what the foundation of marriage is supposed to be rather than just jump ship because things are complicated at the moment.

 

It doesn't matter what you feel the reasons for all this are.

You made a commitment to your wife, Amber made a commitment to her husband. You have both broken those commitments.

Lets take it further.

Marriage is a commitment to share your life with another person (or persons), the person you should be talking to about this to is your wife.

The only intent to a post such as this, is you trying to find someone who will tell you that what you are doing is okay or normal...

Well, I'll help on half of it. It is normal in today's societies.

Beyond that, you have made this whole situation yourself, by not being honest with yourself, or those that you jump (and I do mean jump) into 'serious' relationships with.

You want to fix it, start by being honest with yourself. Then with your wife (you know, that woman you made a vow to be with?).

Ignoring all the lead up... do I think you and amber should pursue a relationship of any kind?

Well, she is cheating on her current husband, therefore, to think that in some way it is isolated only to him is just down right silly.

The same applies to you, you are cheating on your current wife, amber expecting you to act differently with her is just as silly.

 

Marriage usually fails because people do not think about what it means to promise to love and the things one must know in order to truly be certain about this. I know I didnt, until one day a wise book said - Make promises to the the extent you can keep them, yet if you are unsure about whether you can keep them, do not make them. In essence, the promise in mairrage is that you are in control of what you like and even more astringent and all encompassing, what you love.

This is I believe what fails married people - they believe one thing when reality is the next.

Personally, when I get married, if I do, it will be no longer of commitment than 5-7 years. Beyond that my experience shows me that it would be near impossible to truly promise and it ends up being an informed guess.

I even heard that a survery shows that 50% of mairrages end in 5 years or less.

I attribute this is a wider capacity for humans to communicate - internet phone and personals in newspapers open a variety of options that were not even imagine before when divorce rates were close to nil. Now there is a wider variety of people, a wider chance that you beliefs about love and life will change, factors that are critically to two people being content with each other. Not to mention a whole slew of sub-concious thought processes and emotions that are out of our control, which make up a large chunk of how good we feel around each other, its as clear as water and as sure as the sun that mairrage simply isnt something that makes people happy on a general basis.

 

Robert Heinlein writes about marriage contracts with duration in one of his books. As with any contract, all the terms are negotiable before the contract is finalized, including the term of it.

But, even with marriages being conventionally a life term, it doesn't change the fact that you can end the contract (divorce) without breaking it first (beyond the lifetime part).

None of my comments were based on a belief of the sanctity of marriage or any such thing.

To me it is just about character and a person's word. If you watch (or participate in) someone breaking their word in such a manner to the person they have said they want to share their life with, why would you ever believe they wouldn't turn around and do the same to you?

 

Let me see if i've got this right......you married a woman while you were in love or in like with another? Your marriage was over before it even began. Doomed from the start.

I think the best thing you can do for you and your wife is to get a divorce. Why stay together if your living a lie? All that will happen is that you and your wife will drift further apart, argue, bicker and will end up hating each other. You both made a vow to each other to forsake all others, this means forever, this means you and your wife, no one else. You'll end up resenting your wife because she isn't Amber, and your wife will resent you for cheating on her. Now maybe your wife might be able to forgive your for it, but the trust will be gone and she'll always remember and will always wonder if your doing something behind her back. It will always be there messing things up.

Bottom line, go ahead and get the divorce and save you both alot of heartache because as long as you love or like Amber, it just is not going to work no matter how hard you try.

One word of advice, sounds like Amber didn't want you until you got married. Sounds like Amber wants her husband but wanted you to want her but not get married to another. Could it be that once you divorce your wife that Amber will no longer want you? Could it be that Amber likes taunting you by making you think that you might could have her? Could it be that you married your wife to make Amber jealous enough to leave her husband?

 

You're screwed up lad. You will make two women, and some kids and a husband unhappy before you are through - and you are scared? What bullshit! You want to spend your life making other people miserable, and you are off to a great start. You could leave town for a couple a years, but you'd find more folks to make unhappy. You are one of those people who are never happy until they have some one in their sights. You are a scoundrel. No one should trust you, but they will because of you passive aggressive personality. If you really wanted to be a helpful member of society, you would get yourself straightened out before lousing up any more lives. But you won't! You must have had a really rotten upbringing to be so selfish and unkind. Go away! Those fok deserve you for getting involved with you - you're rotten.

 

well, i have seen a few wise remarks in this thread and, one hell of a lot of stupid remarks here too!

this issue is too complex to handle on the internet. the internet is quite one-demenisonal. people and relationships are multi-denmenisonal. this CANNOT be delt with here in cyber-space!
it needs to delt with in the real world!
you need to go see a psychologist who has a stronge background in couples therapy and systems theory.
you have really bad issues mate. in fact, all three of you (your wife the, other woman and, her husband.) all have those really bad issues!
if you don't see a psychologist... more then likely, all four of you will wind up in a world of shit and, no telling how deep that shit may become!
work with a psychologist and, it would quite likely, work out well for everyone however, everyone might belive they are in a world of shit due to the counseling. in the short term it will more then likely feel and look like it. in the long term though, everyone will it did work out for the best.
i hate to tell you this. there is no happy endings to life. we all die. we do however, have a choice in how we handle it though.
life messy, no way around that! your in one of the worst mess that life can throw at any of us.
now you have to decide what you are going to do. oh, by the way, deciding to do nothing, is doing something. your in a catch 22... good luck!

 

Life did not throw this at him... he chose this path.

 

There's your first problem. People jump into stuff like marriage way too soon and too easily. You know how long I was dating my wife before we actually got married? Five years. We dated for twice as long as you've known yours... before we got married. You really need time to see if it's going to work out, and that means longer than so many months or a year. Things are great at first but so often they don't stay so great. People really need to give things a lot more time.

 

Time doesn't much matter in most cases. Some of the best relationships I know of started almost spontaneously and went from nothing to everything in a very short period of time.

The one common things they have with each other, is that all people involved are very upfront and honest.

The problem is knowing which are the upfront, honest ones, and which are not.... and no, I have no clue who to do that... lol

 

You should have never gotten married. You cheated on your wife, and you are a horrible person for it. Poor girl.

 

i think i saw the video of this post on yazum.com...it was not bad