i ve been posting many threads about the way i feel im sorry for that, i just really need help. right now im not depressed, But i usually am. I just feel like im amazed what the fuck is life, i look at it all angles, and to me its a surprising, looking around at everything, its fucking weird. I live in Kirkland a suburban city in Washington. and here i lived most my life, but recently i feel so alien here, like i see all the cars and houses and building and people. I feel so foreign, i just want to leave go to a farm and live with my best friend, i feel so unenthusiastic towards life, i feel empty. I took a look at my life, last year, i was fifteen, i went to school, i was obsessed with hollister, abercrombie, makeup, TV, shopping, beign mean to other kids, money, my looks and being the best. Now my life has changed since then i started smoking pot, doing psychedelics, going to raves. Meeting new people and not judging them, hanging out with bums, was fun, and if last year i saw a bum id laugh at them, i realized how self absorbed i was, how superficial my life was. And i was happy hanging in Seattle with my best friend, who's homeless. i had a home, but i felt suffocated there, all there is at my house is, my suffering deppresssed mother, who has a ankle bracelet cause, she might get deported, my little brainwashed sister who is obsessed, with twilight and money and superficial shit, then my little brother, just an innocent child, who plays with legos, when im at home i cant find peace, i feel like im living in a little box. I feel so sufficated by life im scared, i look outside and everything i once knew seems so foreign, like life is so foreign to me, i feel like its all a dream or as if its all robotic, in feeling these feelings i feel like im going insane, that my point of view is wrong, that i should live my life as a brainwashed zombie cause no one sees the way i do. I feel so suffocated by life, i cant find happyness anymore, the world is creeping me out how many of use there are how me all sleep how we all work it startles, me how life is so unrealistic, i just wanna die.. i dont even know who i am anymore, what do i want, im so lost in this world. I Was watching the joe rogan dmt , videos, and the way he said that we are nothing but bacteria, and that all are feelings are just biological tricks, makes me have no hope towards living, i feel like a bacteria meant to kill nature, im going haywire dude, my mind is having 1,000,000 thoughts per seocnd!(exaggerating) i feel like my thoughts are consuming my mind if that makes sense. im a sensitive, thing and everything is consuming me, am i going crazy? im overanalyzing everything, i cant chill with my friends anymore, go outside, go home, or go to school cause everythings is scaring me, and i feel overwhelmed. I remeber me and my friends, all in a circle,smoking ganja, talking and enjoying everything, now i lost all connections with those people, and with ganja, if i smoke it i get scared paranoid, and a bad trip. i wanna leave it all, move to the woods, forget about it all, but i cant leave my family behind all hurt them to much, i wanna kill myslef, but i dont wanna leave my family behind. any advice, have any of you ever felt this way?
I think you should take a break from smoking pot. You can always go back to it once things settle down! I experienced similar, and it only got better after I stopped getting high each night. It does get better though, but only with time and a lot of soul searching.
Learning how fucked up the world is is never an easy thing. Think about what kind of impact you want to leave once you're gone. You can never really "leave", just think about what you can do to change the way things are.
you want the good news or the bad news first. i'll give you the good news first. your mind is like an egg that has just crack open. once your mind was dark, just like the inside of an egg is dark. now your mind like the egg is flooded with light. when the mind cracks open, all out chaos breaks loose! it takes time, for the mind to give new order, from out of the disorder. that is why you feel and sense the unreality of everything both, outside yourself, and inside yourself too. you will have to go through this, untill your mind can come back together again in a new reality. that has already begun. you should be working with someone who is skilled, at working with someone in spiritual awaking, which you are in right now. you should, also be working with someone who understands drugs, and how they interact with the mind during spiritual awaking. no, your not going "crazy" though, it sure as hell does feel that way to you right now! since you live in the seattle area... you are one hell of a very, very, lucky girl! seattle is one of the most liberal cities in the u.s.a. and as such, you can find alot of people there, who are skilled, at working with someone, in the state of mind your in right now!
well, there is only one time proven way to do that... network. have you ever heard the saying: "it is not what you know, it is who you know." the motto of the networker is: "it is not who you know, it is who you meet." when you came to hip forums, and started this thread, you also started networking too. now, i lived in the seattle area for almost 17 years. i moved back to san antonio, about 4 years ago, when my mother died. so, i do know about the kirkland and seattle area. the best place i think for you too find help, is the unitarian church in seattle. set up an appointment with the minister at the church, and tell them what all is going down with you. they can help you find someone to work with; also, check into the youth groups of the church. you will find support from others there.
what i think is that you have to start being a little more positive. Life was a gift to you from the higher beings, and you should not waste it. I know this sounds old fashioned, but you should try to be a good person, and good to yourself as much as you are good to others. thats how you can start to be positive. you dont have to think about killing yourself or fleeing somewhere else away from your responsibilities. you can try to help your community and support people that need your support, start volunteering or get a job. if you like debating and learning about new things, put more effort into your studies. go to university and take all sorts of classes, learn and explore !!! not only you will have a better job in the future, but you will gain knowledge and learn how to phrase things better, and you will expand your vocabulary and polish your logic !!! then you will see universe in a different light, and you will have weapons in your mind to deal with all sorts of problems and thoughts and focus in the right direction. thats the way my friend to enlightment, not drugs and psychedelics. all drugs cause braindamage. I only took 12 ecstasy pills one night and i had a seizure. I forgot a lot of things because of that, you cant tell but its true. Dont do drugs to find yourself. Study and read, even in the crapiest novel there is a grain of entertainment. Education will open the doors for you that you cannot unlock without it, jobwise I mean. you can be all those things, just dont loose your motivation.
Heya seetheeoceen, I think feeling alienated, and strange, and not fitting in today's world is pretty normal - specially in your age, as you're on the way to leave your childhood behind yet all you find is a big questionmark - now what ? Wanting to die, on the other hand, feels more like the result of social programming - that is about not being fully here, but getting lost in drama, and co-dependancy. Depression often is when you don't allow yourself to go deeper. And so, just take a deep breath ... be creative, explore your depth, meditate ... and just take one step after the other ... be your own person, and trust into your own being fully and completely, as simple as it sounds. Hope it makes sense.
schizophrenics can be quite coherent, and are usually very intelligent.... because i believe in a myriad of alternate realities/universes running parallel with each other, separated only by degrees of vibration, i am of the opinion that a schizophrenic is often someone whose vibration has shifted into a different reality than everyone else around them is agreeing to exist in does that belief unto itself make me schizophrenic? probably you're just vibrating at a high rate, your mind has been blown wide open, and i agree with blackcat that you can find someone who can help guide you through this time - you will emerge from the other side stronger than ever
i have no way of knowing if you schizophenic or not. i very, very strongely doubt it though. a traditional psychiatrist, would most likely say... your a nutcase and, would then either over medicate you or, have you committed to the nuthouse. FOR GOD SAKES... STAY AWAY FROM PSYCHIATRISTS! you need to see a psychologist first. over the about the last 30 years, psychiatrist are trained less and less in doing psychotherapy and, more and more in just throwing out mind candies (medications) right and left. psychologists have the best trainning hands down in, psychotherapy. psychologists also are damn good at determing when mind candies could be helpful. most important of all; a psychologist can step in and protect from mis-medication done by a psychiatrist. most people run to a psychiatrist at the first sign of a problem. the vast, vast, vast majority of the time that is the worst thing to do first! going to a psychologist is almost, always, the first thing to do! now, after having taken a shit on psychiatrists, let me say... yes, there are a few (and i stress the word FEW!) good psychiatrists still around. they are however becomming less and less though. play it smart and, get evaluate by a psychologist first.
