Ok so I am with an amazing guy right now who I have know for over a year, I met him on halloween 2007, he liked me but I was not sure I even liked guys back then so I told the friend who told me that he liked me that I didnt want a relationship right now, then a few months later, the following april I started going out with a guy who was kind of a friend of the guy I am with now, I'll call him Jim and the guy I went out with in april is called Andy, anyway I know them both through a Girlfriend of mine called Judy, so I went out with Andy for 3 months, basically he was closeted, and I always felt guilty about saying no to Jim and them going out with Andy, long story short I have now been with Jim for nearly 5 months, he asked me out on the 3rd of december, so thats when I count from. I have said sorry many times about the whole being with Andy thing and he understands, no problem there. Basically, I only met Jim about 3 times in between first meeting him and actually going out with him, so I saw him at a party in june and twice before that. Then last november I started talking to him online again, just to get back in touch, but I was also talking to another guy online around that time, and we flirted very minorly sometimes, I was just thinking I wont shut myself off from being with someone fight now. About a week before me and Jim got together I started thinking maybe I like Jim, but only really if he still likes me, so I talked about it to Judy and she basically started matchmaking us, I went round to her house and Jim was there and he asked me out, this was on the 3rd, but I feel very guilty because just the day before going out with him, on the 2nd, I was still kind of flirting with the online guy who I had never even met, I feel guilty because I was flirting with him while kind of wanting to be with Jim. I mean, I have looked at my and the online guys convos around that time and I was just being nice really, not properly wanting something but I feel like I have betrayed Jim by liking him at the same time as flirting with the other guy abit, although as soon as Jim asked me out, on the 3rd I havent flirted with the other guy since then at all, he went out of my mind in that way completely. In fact I have only lightly spoken to him 3 or 4 times since being with Jim, and not at all since december. I only ever want to be with Jim and I hate myself for even thinking I might have wanted something with the online guy around the time I was starting to like Jim. Ah I'm sorry, I am rambling here, but honesty, trust and communication are very important to me in this relationship, I feel like I would be a hypocrit if I kept quiet about this to him, because I do feel guilty, being unloyal or cheating in anyway makes me feel physically sick. I actually was sick last night because I was disgusted with myself for flirting with someone while wanting to be with Jim. Should I tell him I feel guilty about this? Because I always want him to be honest with me. I know I might come off as slightly nuts but hey, I think I am slightly nuts, so please if any of you can put my mind at rest that would be really helpful. Thank you Blessings xxx
Yes, you are slightly nuts, but this is common in women, especially 17 year old ones. No, you should not feel guilty, you should not worry about feeling guilty, and you definitely should not tell him you feel guilty. There is a significant difference between being honest and revealing every single thing that is on your mind. You haven't even done anything remotely wrong, in my opinion. We should never feel guilty for our thoughts and desires. Set aside these destructive self-loathing feelings you have over something that happened and is history. What matters is, you are with this guy now, so just be your best you, here and now.
Thanks for taking me seriously, and agreeing that I am nuts but really, you were very helpful, I just need to stop making mountains out of molehills and always finding something wrong with something good. thanks again.
Definitely let this go. However, if the best way for you to let it go is to tell him, I don't see too much of a problem. But it sounds to me, that if you don't nip this in the bud right now, you may sabotage your relationship with a future incidence of this (even in the best relationships, sometimes you will have to avoid your partner's irrational hang ups). I think what would be best for you is to explore why you felt so compelled to tell him this tiny meaningless thing. And why did you feel guilty in the first place? I'm a bit obsessive myself, and I've had to learn to curb it a lot to keep my relationship in order; luckily, my girl's been very patient with me =P
lol Yeah well he knows that I am like this with certain things, he has had mental health issues himself so he understands that I have my oddities like this one, I guess I am feeling guilty about this because I would rather cut one of my toes off then hurt him or ever do anything remotely close to cheating on him because if he did anything like that to me it would end my world. I don't think I will tell him, but I won't actively hide it from him either, becasue I didn't know I was going to go out with him when I was flirting with the other guy and I didn't even know I liked Jim back then. So thanks I will try to get over this, talking about it on here has helped alot. He knows I make mountains out of molehills, I know he worries, we both accept each other, I just worry that I am being a hypocrit if I don't tell him because he knows honesty is important to me and that I want to know if he did something similar to this, but maybe what I did really doesnt mean anything so that would cancel it all out. Gah, I don't know, but thanks for the help , glad you have someone who is patient with you, it is a rare thing with people sometimes.
But it's not cheating on him, and would only hurt him if he was being irrational and unfair. As you said, you had no clue you would be going out with him. And honesty is not telling a person everything - it is not hiding things. And as far as you would want to know if he 'did something like this' (odd phrasing, seeing how you didn't do anything), why is that? That seems like more of a problem than any of the ones you are creating.
Basically what I meant by that was that if he cheated on me in some way I would want to know. I hate things being kept secret from me even if they would hurt me. My rational side is saying, you did not do anything wrong, but my intuitive, emotional side is feels that I did do something wrong. I don't want to tell him because of what it might cause but at the same time I want to tell him because it is eating away at me and I feel that I need to be honest with him. I really do appreciate your help with this.
But would you want to know if before you guys were dating he talked to another girl? I'll agree with emotional, I won't agree with intuitive at all. Irrationality is sort've the opposite of intuition. Again, exploring why it is eating away at you so much is probably a better option than telling him at this point. It sounds to me like you might have some insecurity issues involving trust or being trustworthy.
Well I don't know if I would be worried if the shoe was on the other foot, It's just part of my morals to be as open and honest as possible, but is this particular issue important enough to share. I have many questions to ask myself I definitely have insecurity and trust issues, I have low self esteem and I have always found trusting people very difficult, amoung other issues. Sadly, even if... I don't know, the Dalai Lama said I didn't need to worry, I would still worry, I think I just need to tell him in an informal way, not in a confessional type way, because I won't feel better untill I know from him that I don't need to worry and that It is ok. I am fucking mad to say this, but for various reasons, I always have to have a problem, something always has to be wrong, he came round, I had a great time with him, I couldn't see anything wrong with it, untill I remembered about the online guy. I know my reasons for this, but I don't want to share them. I just like to come here to talk about other peoples opinions on things, so thanks for those , It's good to have level heads looking at it as well as mine, which is clearly off with the fairies. xxx
I just looked over it again, and the the time Jim hinted at liking me was after 10pm (Yes, I know, I may be be abit obsessive) and the last time I "flirted" with the online guy was before 10pm! And on the 2nd and Jim didn't ask me out til the 3rd. So that has put my mind at alittle more ease that and the fact that I was only flirting back because I was in that mind set and I was open to stuff, not actively seeking it and I thought it would be hurtful if I didn't flirt back, and I did try to steer it away from flirting, the online guy started most of it I think. Yeah, so thanks again I might mention it to Jim in passing, maybe, if the guilt is still strong, and I will not hide it but maybe I wont start off a convo with it, if mention it at all, because even though I feel guilty about it, it was before he hinted at liking me, before he asked me out and before we were together. xxx
