thread to ask all questions about 'Female to male'

I'm a FTM, planning on going all the way at this point. I've lived as a male, outside of school as it's quite hard to be accepted within the classroom as a male and of a different name, for 4 years now. I was offically given the "diagnoses" of being transgender almost a year ago after finally getting my grandmother to accept the fact, and refer me to "help".

I've come out to all of my friends, and I'm just now starting with my family. I've told my grandmother to call me Jason, the name I created for myself 4 years ago when I created an alter ego, per se. She wasn't too happy with that, she feels uncomfortable calling me "he" and "Jason". Instead of using the usual pronouns, and my birth name. I imagined they would all reacted in the worst way. However, they did. My friend, and the family that I've told, all don't seem to care. For me, it was more like "Oh... That's not really surprising. I kind of figured." Then, I have my girlfriend, who I met 4 years ago when I first came up with the idenity as Jason, who loves and accepts me for me, as Jason and not my birth title and sex. I almost want to say I have it better than some, I've always kind of given people that "Are you SURE that's a girl?" feel, rather than the "Wow, look at that lesbian." and I've had alot of support from the person I love as well.

I'd say, the best way to "come out" would be just to take a deep breath and say it. Don't think about the problems that'll come from it, or how someone might react. It's better to just come out and tell it, or you'll kill yourself with the pain of keeping it inside. Having to answer to a name you hate, constantly called a "she" when you try to hit it as much as possible. Come out, tell those you trust the most, the important people, and teach them what it is to be transgendered. If they don't understand, then you either have to keep trying, or try to move on as much as possible.

As my therapist says "You chose the roughest road to travel, you have to be ready to deal with every bump as it comes."

 

For me, reactions were mixed when I first came out. I was 15 and in high school [small town, pretty conservative]. Most of my friends reacted pretty well- many people had never even *heard* of transenderism before, so they had to form a quick opinion on the subject when I came out. many other people in my school/community reacted pretty badly though. I got into a fair share of physical fights, got verbally harassed a bit...but I was pretty much the most openly queer person in the school- I ran/started the school's queer alliance, so I was a good, easy target. A lot of the other queer kids didn't necessarily get it as bad as I did, which was good, I guess. After high school, I moved to NYC and the reactions were mostly much more accepting. At work now, I'm out to about half of my coworkers and bosses and haven't had a bad reactions yet. I've ha a few isolated bad reactions from others outside of work, but not from any close friends. Everyone else's reactions have ranged from supportive and totally accepting to indifferent.

As for how I react to the negative reactions, I tend to try to ignore them. They don't really get to me any more. The same goes for the negative reactions I've gotten from people close to me [some people in my family initially reacted badly]. Basically, if they can't accept who I am, we shouldn't have been close in the first place.

 

thankyou both for the two great responses.

i have another question....
have you ever tried supressing your inner male-ness? (yeah, i know, male-ness isn't a word... )
did you dress as an ordinary woman? for how long? and why?
how did this affect you?
did you feel like you wanted to be male more after supressing your true gender? (in the same way as if a tourettes sufferer tries to hold in a tic, the urges to tic increase the longer it is supressed? not that i am relating transgenderism to tourettes!)

thanks in advance! sorry, i know its a lot of questions! i just love to learn about other people and their lives!

exactly!
that reminded me of a little quote that i say to myself quite often:
"Don't be afraid to be who you are, because the people who matter don't care, and the people who care don't matter!"

thankyou for reading,
peace and love
x

 

To your first question, I've tried before I came up with my alter "idenity" of Jason. I used to try as much as possible. I would dress as a normal female, which felt very weird. Since I was younger I was alway tomboyish, never dressed really girly, but I tried to become more "girly". I tried for about a year or two, it just left me more confused then anything else. In a way, it did make me want to be more male. Once I decided to give up my feeble attempt at forcing myself to feel a certain way, I became a more happy person. I no longer wanted to be something I wasn't, or tried to become something I wasn't. I accept what I found myself to be.

 

I was always a big tomboy when I was younger, I hated wearing skirts and anything frilly, and oh Goddess, don't even mention makeup!

But then I got into high school, and I guess I was trying to 'fit in' - at least as much as a hippie goth punk dude can fit in. I started wearing makeup, started embracing my female body more, but when I got to college, I didn't really have to 'fit in' as much. I had a large and supportive group of friends and it was over the past four months or so that I really started exploring my gender identity.

Now, I'm a drag queen at heart. I have found that I love looking feminine and dressing in female clothing, but I also want to live as a male and I want to take testosterone so I can grow a goatee - that's my biggest goal as far as being male goes right now!

I'm sort of at the halfway point between genders right now. On the one hand, I enjoy embracing my female body, but on the other hand, I also enjoy embracing my male mentality. I'm going to have top surgery, but for the sake of my partner I believe I am not going to get bottom surgery. She's had some bad experiences with men in the past, so I can live without the full package deal if it means she'll be happy.

Right now I'm seeking harmony between male and female. If I could, I would remain intersexed my whole life. I would let people call me both by my male name and my female name, and use both masculine and feminine pronouns. (I can imagine the conversations: "You know Richard? She's a hottie." "Yeah, he is!" - lol!) But unfortunately, society and the government feel it is necessary to classify the world with a binary gender system, when this simply isn't how some people are.

I've also found that when I am dressed as a male, I feel a lot better about my body, because I am about a size 14. I know that's not bad, and I know that I have a nice if slightly plump figure, but when I bind my breasts (no easy task, to be sure - I have D cups) and present myself as male, it's suddenly okay to be a little larger than everyone else. For some reason society doesn't shun larger males the same way it shuns larger females.

I'm rambling. Haha. So I'll just post this and then be on my way.
Peace!
-Rich

 

HAHA!! i know what you mean! as a child i was definately like that! in my primary school (age 5-11) when all the girls would be in their summer dresses, there's me, the odd one out wearing shorts. i probably would have worn them in high school for the first few years, but they dont even let boys wear shorts there so...

yeah. well... the reason i am so interested in FTM is because i could have ended up on that journey myself. all through my life i was so masculine, and would shun being a female at any opportunity. when i was 9 i took the name George and told everyone i was a boy (with long hair). so they called me a "he", called me George and i hung around with the boys fighting, wrestling playing Dragonball Z and Star Trek, and getting into trouble with the teachers (the teachers all called me George too, strangle enough, and so did my parents).
i was like the typical 9 or 10 year old boy... but in a girl's body. i made a point of always wore boys clothes, right down to BOYS UNDERWEAR. i wore boys vests, boys underpants, boys t-shirts, boys jeans, boys trousers.... just because i wanted to be a boy so much. i would turn my nose up at any girls clothing.

i remember on a holiday camp i was on (summer 2001) the "play leaders" (as the were called) made a film of everyone on the camp, interviewing a few people. i was filmed saying i hated girls because all they liked were shopping and barbies. i said on camera that i wanted to be a boy.

i always said i was going to get a sex change as soon as i was old enough to.

this carried on a bit into highschool, then puberty came along when i was 13. in retrospect, i guess this was a bit of a subconscious gateway with two paths. one path was to stay as masculine as i had been since a little child and probably end up getting the sex change i always said i would have, and the other path was to embrace my femininity and go towards being a woman.
obviuosly something in my subconcience wanted my to go down the second path towards being more and more feminine. or perhaps god and goddess chose this for me, i dont know.
the people here must have gone on the first path and carried on embracing their masculine side.

and this is why i feel connected in a way to the FTM community.

love you all
x

 

Yeah I tried embracing the femme side of me because i wanted to be popular and get male attention. Sadly, it worked ><! So i did it for about3 years, but my male-ness always managed to rear its head. I found myself more often than not, wearing the sports gear, which made me feel very 'manly' XD, and everynow and then i'd speak in my normal voice and behave in my 'normal' way, and people would freak out coz i'd, like my male cousin, taken on a very 'thuggish' attitude that kinda scared people. Prob freaked them out more coz they saw me as a small, 'fragile' looking girl ><.
Eventually this 'pretending' to be something I wasn't started to really fuck me up, mentally, and i knew i had to break out or go crazy. And it's been a slow but steady pace to get to where i am today. XD!

 

Heya all !
i Know thera havent been any posts here for ages .. bt i have just joined so ..
At the moment i am a bit confused .. i am a girl.. and i feel comfortable in my body .. and i wear female clothes .. but sometimes i have these days or even moments were i feel depressed and really want to be a guy .., has anyone got any advise
Thanks ..

 

Well it's hard to say from that much, could you explain more? Remember clothes and such are just social constructs most of the time, the main question is do you see yourself as a man on the inside?

 

That's true. Clothes, like "gender specific" toys and colours are cultural gender stereotypes, rather than something that is gender definining. When i was younger, i never had a problem with, and actually enjoyed stereotypically male things like playing with cars and such. Though i did express my female side at a young age, and detested having my hair cut. (Which actually made me cry everytime i had it done) I seen myself as a tomboy growing up, even though i definitely had a very feminine side to me as well. I pretty much wear very androgyness clothing, but i dont think that makes me any less of a female. I never seen clothes as something that defined who i was. Most transvestites don't identify as female at all, they just like wearing women's clothes.

Madcap Syd is right, it's all about what you feel you are inside. I've never been confused about my gender though, so really don't know what advice to give to someone in your situation. My distress comes from knowing my body feels unnatural to me, and i was being adressed as, and treated as a male, knowing full well i wasnt that. You say you're comfortable in your body, which is something i've never been. I think there is a difference between "wanting" to be the opposite sex, and knowing deep down inside that is what you are, and have always been. If you really are male, you will know it.

 

Yeah, I have a question for people that have actually had the female to male surgery or people that are just going through it. I'm quite young to be thinking about this I think and it kinda makes me sad because I feel so wrong but my girlfriend (of almost two years) is of course a lesbian and she likes me when I'm girly and I like her happy, but it makes me feel soo awkward and it makes me really upset to look in a mirror and see what I actually am. Can I get any advice? Please?

 

Well .. Thats the thing most of the time im just happy and feel comfortable as a girl,,
But then .like yesterday ill just sudenly feel like .. i want to be a guy and not feel comfortable as a girl .. but this morning when i woke up i had forgotten about it nd was fine again ..
It only happens like i dont know ..6 times amonth and it will only last a few hours ..
it just confuses me .. becaus it is not like i feel it all the time .. like i think all people who have gender dysforia ..
thanks for you answers !!
xxx c

 

Ps. Im sorry i about the late reply . havent beenon the forums lately ..
|Invisible Soul.. thanks for you rwally doog message .. meand alot ..
when i am just having a 'normal time ' i dont thin about it yu know .. and just feel like a girrl .. but then when i have these times... i do feel deep inside i am a boy .. i think ..i have never felt it before the age of 14 ..
well i hope that it is a stage in a way /.. because then it will be over and .. i cn just be happy ..
peace toYall !!
xx c

 

Heya ,, im sorry im not inthat sitation,, but if you feel it is really serious , the best thing really is to first tell your girlfriend .. if she really loves you she will accept you , even if it takes a little time for her ..
and then to get proffesional help . or maybee find someone on this hip who really is allready going through the female to male .
xx c hope its helped

 

Can i ask you all something?

Well my online gf/bf is well he's a guy right and kept it from me acting like he was a she and showed me Pictures of a girl that he doesen't look like but he say's he loves me and i kinda well really felt attracted to that girl on the Pictures he showed me but i also like him like the way he talks and the way he is but i just don't like the fact he's a guy. I don't know i don't hate Gay people i just don't want to well sleep or be with a guy in a sexual or in a romantic relationship way. So any idea's what's wrong with me? and what i should do? he said he would operate himself to a girl because he feels like god gave him the wrong body but i dont know it's not the same i mean i want children someday and not an Adopted child a child with my DNA and i also kinda feel bad for him....i mean him wanting to operate himself to a girl i don't know he should be happy with the body he has i mean he is a good looking guy.

 

There's nothing really wrong with you, that probably is the reaction most people would have to it, and that's a good reaction, a man who found out his g/f had actually been born a man though she transitioned very young and looked like any other woman beat her to death with a fire extinguisher.

Remember though you can't be happy with the body gave you in this kind of scenario, it's not the normal kind of trying to be happy with how you look, it's a "jesus christ my body and hormones and not what i was supposed to be, my body disgusts me, i hate my life, i want out of my body" kind of scenerios when it first comes to the surface