Venting

Okay, so this isn't directly related to women, but from the threads I've read here, you ladies are really nice. Plus this was the closest forum I could find to the topic. This post turned out to be really long, but as you will see, I had a lot to get off my chest. I would love it if you guys could help, I'm badly in need of advice (and generally some ears to vent to), and don't know what else to do.

Anyway, some background info. I'm 16 years old, and my mom's a single parent. She married my father (in Florida) when she was three months pregnant with me, and left him when she was approximately four months pregnant. She moved back to Iowa to raise me, so I would grow up around her family. Not long after moving back, she got remarried so I would have a father figure, and my sister was born when I was three. Her second marriage didn't work out so well, so they got divorced too. My mom went back to college. Since then (I was about 5) I've had to take care of myself and my sister. Mom eventually graduated with her BA and got a job, but she was working crazy hours and didn't like the responsibility she was putting on my young shoulders. When I was 10, she had been married and divorced for a third time, had my twin brothers, and decided to go back to school to get her masters. She put so much responsiblity on me that I started getting sick of it. I didn't slack off, I did the same stuff I had always done, but I started getting in trouble outside of the home, so she decided to move us out of the city and into a small town instead after she graduated. Everything was fine and dandy, I quit getting in trouble and became more like a second parent to my siblings more than ever. But when I entered high school, problems started. I started wanting to do things--debate and drama--but she'd get mad because it would interfere with me doing housework and taking care of the kids. Eventually she started telling me to leave, that she was sick of my behavior. I put up with it, excusing it as stress, until she got me a social worker, made me take a drug test without ANY reasonable cause, then started hitting me. So I left. I ended up moving in with my uncle, but he was more irresponsible at 28 than I was at 14. He started putting me down, saying I was too serious about my art and writing, and that I wasn't ever going to go anywhere in life. It started taking a negative toll, my grades were slipping, I was developing a bad attitude, and I started getting depressed. The only option I had was to leave, and since I had no where else to go, I went back to my mom. She seemed changed at first, and said she had understood where I had been coming from. Last summer I had made plans to go down to Florida to see my father, whom I had met the summer before. A week before I was supposed to leave, I got pulled over with one of my friends, and we got in trouble for underage drinking. I was grounded for the entire summer, which I didn't mind, I completely understood where it was coming from, but she also told me I couldn't go to Florida. I understood that too, but I was extremely upset, I had been planning on that trip since I was about seven. But I got over it, and we decided we would just reschedule for this Christmas vacation. About two months ago, I got caught smoking weed with a couple friends during lunch one day. There weren't any legal proceedings, the cops didn't really care, just kind of slapped us on our hands and told us not to do it again. We all got suspended from school for three days but it wasn't that big of a deal, most of us had been suspended before for some reason or another. I was afraid of what my mom would say about it though. She really didn't take it that badly, just grounded me until Christmas (by this time I was getting used to being grounded). The best part was was that I could still go to Florida. She said the only thing was that I had to stay out of trouble until then-easy enough if I put my mind to it. But last night I was talking to my dad on the phone and he gave me dates and times for flights. He needed to know which one by tonight, so he could get the tickets without paying his whole retirement savings on them. So when mom got home I sat down with her and started talking about it. It didn't go over well though. Ever since I can remember, she's always supported me finding out who my dad was, but once I found out, she started being not so supportive. She started bringing up excuses, and I pointed out how they could be solved. Missing a week of school-I would do all my homework before I left. 2 hour layover in Chicago-I'd go strait to the terminal, and not talk to any strangers. The more I proved her wrong, the less she listened. I started getting more and more upset, and finally blew up at her. I told her I could take care of myself and she sat there, looked me in the eyes, and laughed. Before she could get me anymore wound up, I went to my room to calm down. I brought the situation up again at dinner tonight, which is when we have most of our heavy conversations, but she wouldn't listen, again. My father's getting sick of the indecision, he planned on going up to Pennsylvania for Christmas but cancelled because he thought I was coming down. If he waits any longer, he won't be able to get the tickets, and I won't be able to see him. The worst part is, I was supposed to meet my step-mom, half sister, and grandparents, but now I don't know if I'll be able to. It irks me so much that her reasoning is that she doesn't think I can take care of myself, especially when I've been doing just that for about ten or eleven years. I want to sit down and have a talk with her, but I get upset easily and she closes her ears to anything that proves her wrong. I don't know what to do, I want to see my dad and I'm tired of disappointing him and my family, but I just don't know how to go about approaching it.

 

Hi ReyaSunshine, that sounds like a pretty tough situation you've got going on there. I'm not sure I can offer you an advice... but I can tell you that this forum is a great place to talk to other womyn, and this is a safe space for you to express yourself. I can't really understand where you're coming from, but I think I can understand why you want so badly to meet your biodad. Maybe there's more going on with your mom than you think... I don't know. I can't offer any help, I'm sorry... but I'm here for you if you just want someone to vent to! (((hugs)))

 

Thanks SuperGrrl, I just got done talking to my dad, (at least him and I have a good relationship) and he thought maybe I should write a letter to her. Since I can't really talk to her without one of us trying to beat the other down, it was a pretty good idea. But I'm glad I found a place I can vent without worrying about other people finding out and get some good advice at the same time.
Lotsa Love

 

Reya - how long until you're done high school? Because I moved out at 17 (and moved back in one full year later, but I don't have much in teh way of parental issues, just wanted to live in the city again). If you can get a decent job and an apartment with low rent (maybe a roomie, it can really help) that might work, though I would wait until you were done high school for that.

I don't know what the states are like for student loans for univ/college, but here you have to be independent for 2 years or your parents make under a certain amount. Last year I was working 30hours a week with four classes a term (nearly fulltime student) but they were night classes, so it wasn't awful.

Anyways, yeah... a letter might work. Or maybe if you just out and out stopped helping aroudn the house and let her see what it would be like.. sorry, me being bitter. No parent should treat you like an indentured servant. If after you met your dad, do you think his family might be willing to take you in while you finish school? Or do you have a friend with a spare room? It just doesn't sound like a good place to be in right now.

 

I have a year and a half until I graduate-I already told her that I was moving out the day graduation was final and she's okay with it, but until then if I were to go anywhere she would call the cops, I tried it after she kicked me out a year or so ago. I have alot of friends who would be willing to take me in, but she knows who they are, and has their numbers (she 'borrowed' my cell phone one day and copied all the numbers down) that and the fact that she teaches at my high school kind of put a damper on things. After I met my dad for the first time (two summers ago) and he found out about what I was putting up with, he wanted me to come live with him, but it wasn't possible what with him giving up custody and my mom being the way she is. I can understand where the bitterness is coming from, trust me, I think of ways to leave at least a hundred times a day, and I'm actually counting down the days until graduation (about 483 left)
Lotsa Love

 

okay, i know where you're coming from with taking care of your siblings, i did the same thing for years... I didn't have time for much else because of it. HOWEVER! If you're underage drinking, getting suspended from school for smoking weed, and whatever else.. your mom has a reason to be suspicious of what you're doing when you leave the house. The fact that she works at the school you go to could also give her cause to think you a bad kid. If you've gotten suspended more than once, etc.

you seem to just shrug off your getting into trouble... well, maturity doesn't come from taking care of our siblings and cleaning the house.. it comes from taking care of yourself! i'm sure if you could prove to your mom that you are not wild and rebellious outside of the house she would be a lot more lenient on you. In fact, she might be doing all this because she loves you and wants to keep you out of trouble with the law... ? calling the cops on you before you turn 18 wont get put on your permanent record. ( I think you live in the states, right?)

anyway, i know it gets really frustrating to think that you can do whatever you want since you're taking care of things at home... but it's just not the case. I would suggest you try to look at things in a more positive light, try to learn whatever you can from it, and use what you've learned when you move out, in one and half years or however long...

sorry if that came off as insensitive... i have been there, though... and i'm trying to have your best interest in mind

 

How old are you?
If you are both willing to go through the procedure, it should be relatively easy to get a court order for you to go live with him if that's what you both want. I've always been told it's pretty much up to the kid (unless the parent they want is unfit, like a drug addict or something) after they are 14 or so. Especially if you have any witnesses to the way your mother laid her responsibilities on you since you were young & can document inappropriate treatment now. The trouble you've gotten into will complicate matters, but if you feel strongly that it is a matter of rebelling against the amount of pressure you've been under since a very young age, hopefully the fact that you recognize it as a problem will count in your favor.

I hope the letter works & that you don't have to go to such an extreme. But, man, I couldn't imagine living like that. Being raised by a single parent myself, unless the custodial parent has a good reason -- like the other bio parent is abusive, alcoholic, etc. -- I have very little respect for those who get in the way of the children having a relationship with the non-custodial parent. My mother did a lot of shit that my dad did not deserve, including talking shit about him every time I visited, but my dad never interfered in my getting to know her, in fact tried to get me to talk to her when I decided I didn't want a relationship with her, & never once said a bad word about her until I came to complain about all the things that caused me to no longer want a relationship with her... Did that make sense? And I've known dads who were miserable about not being able to see their kids, generally because they were barely keeping a roof over their own heads (or weren't, if they were homeless), so they fell behind on child support, & the mother was basically charging a fee for access (not that the child support aspect is relevant, but they were miserable about not being able to see their kids). I can't imagine any of this is easy on your dad.

 

well, my parents have joint custody of me, and when I was 14 they both signed a legal agreement saying that I could choose who I wanted to live with, no incourt battles allowed (my mom was contemplating moving to Arkansas with her boyfriend). I think that in the states you can apply for emancipation, certainly when you're 16, which means you're parents don't have to be responsible for you... and if your dad is still awesome about letting you live with him you can then move in with him with a minimum of difficulty. But this whole emancipation thing is pretty much a last resort.

as for tigerlily's post, I just wanna mention that to me it sounded like most of hte acting out was a response to being unhappy at home... fix the cause before you freak out over the symptoms. But yeah, that certainly is a good reason for your mother to be watching you more closely and being increasingly worried about ya chicky.

 

I feel for you hon. I was always taking care of everyone in my family when I lived at home. My mother and father were divorced when I was 11 years old, and even though my mother was the one who wanted the divorce, she sank into a horrible depression. I was always worried that she was going to commit suicide, as she would tell me that she was thinking those kinds of thoughts. I remember the one day right before I left for school, she told me that she was thinking of going into the garage with the car running and garage door closed and breathe in the fumes until she was dead. Of course, that scared me to no end, but it also taught me to be strong. I stayed home from school that day and took care of her. I called her doctor and even drove her there (I was 15 at the time)

I was always taking care of my sister, who was 9 years younger than me. I'd get her ready for school, fix her meals, get her bathed, and help her with homework. I babysat her nearly all of the time, and I was forever missing out on things with my friends and at school because my mother needed me to watch my sister while she was at work. I became extremely bitter, because I felt that I shouldn't be having to deal with such things at my young age; I just wanted to be a kid.

My mother became involved in abusive relationship after abusive relationship, and I was always there to pick up the pieces and talk her out of commiting suicide. It hurt me to know that she was thinking such thoughts, as if my sister and I weren't enough to keep her here, but still, I plugged on. I must have aged years beyond what I actually was.

As far as my father went, my mom was always shredding him to pieces and going on and on about what a rotten father he was to us kids. It killed me to hear her speak of him that way, even though I didn't have the best relationship with him.

I think that your father needs to talk with your mother about the visitation. He is entitled afterall. I don't know if there is any court order stating how often he is, or allowed, to see you, but I know that we had visitation rights drawn up when my parents first got their divorce. If so, your mother is obligated, unless he is abusive and/or mentally unstable, to let you see your father.

It's hard to believe that your mother questions whether you can take care of yourself now when you've been doing just that for quite some time. Personally, I think that it is her way of getting back at your father, playing games so that he can't see you. I went through this with my parents.

As far as the whole going on a plane ordeal, I went to Florida with my 5 year old sister by myself when I was 14 years old, and my grandparents were there at the airport to meet us once we got off the plane. The airlines keep a closer eye on children (not to imply that you're a child, but you are under 18) and I'm sure that your father would be right there waiting for you once your flight came in.

I feel that when I went through the things that I did, my mother was terribly afraid of me turning my back on her, abandoning her. I would have never done that, as my father and I weren't very close at the time, but I felt that she was intimidated by me having any type of relationship with him. She would drill me about what we had talked about, if he had said anything about her, etc. He never did, he just wasn't like that. He has never said a bad word about my mother to this day, although he doesn't agree with a lot that she has done. Still, even though I'm a grown woman with a family of my own, my mother never misses a chance to belittle my father. I am a lot closer to him now than I have ever been, he comes and visits the kids and I at least once a week, and we talk quite a bit. My mother hates that fact. She wants me to only want/need her and no one else.

Seriously, I think that your parents need to talk. They might not get along, but they need to at least be civil when it comes to matters with you, their child.

I wish you lots of luck, I hope that things work out for the best, and you get to see your father!

{{{BIG HUGS}}}