The 'Failed' coming out

Thanks Bon. Yah, in retrospect I should be happy that they haven't kicked me out, though I think i've given my Mum too much in life for her to do that, and she's a genuinly wonderful loving mother. I know, deep inside, she realises this isn't what I wanted and isn't my fault, but it's just going to take time.

I have been very lucky though compared to others.

 

Coming out isn't about wanting attention, it's about not having to keep it secret. Do you realize what it's like having to lie all the time to hide such an important part of your identity, and always fearing how people will react? A guy at my highschool had his life threatened every single day for weeks because of a rumor that he was bringing his boyfriend to the prom (and at any rate he ended up not going at all). I can assure you that for many people, coming out is not at all what you think it is. Some of us are lucky enough to get positive attention for it, but most have to overcome the stigma of it.

 

I have a bit of a difficult question - how long might this period of shock, uncertainty, and worry on the part of my parents last for? I'd really like my Mum in particular to have a look at some very helpful and illuminating websites that i've found, but she clearly doesn't want to. She says that she'll have to come to terms with it (Which is a huge positive - shes doing a hard job for me, I think it shows she does love me at least) - but I can't help but wonder how long it'll take before life can be as normal as it can be. It'll never be normal, I get that, but back to some degree of normality. Any ideas?

 

'coming out' is not a necessary part of being gay or bi. There are many many people who just choose to live their life the way they felt was right for them, and allowed others (whether comfortable or not with it), find a way to get on with their life.

Why does it matter to you if your sister accepts or doesn't accept you? Why would you let it change who you are? If she has a problem with you sexuality, that is HER problem, unless of course she has made it clear she doesnt want to disucss it, in which case, you trying to bring it up, is causing the probelms...

Be who you are comfortable being and don't try to force that on anyone, just like you don't want them to force what they are comfortable with on you and your life.

And before anyone even thinks of jumping on this... I did not suggest hiding it, or keeping it repressed... I suggested living life for yourself, rather then for other peoples opinions.

You sister can't accept it? Her issue, not yours. Your mother is disappointed? Her issue, not yours. Your best friend in the world doesnt feel comfortable, their problem not yours...

Unless of course you continue to allow these things to be your problem.

 

You're entirely right but I suppose I've always been really close to my family, and the idea of all our highs and lows over the years being extinguished by something of relative insignificance just really worries me. I've admitted to myself that if this doesn't ever change I'm capable of having limited contact with them all in the future but .... I suppose it's just I hate change, it takes too much getting used to. I don't like the fact that they're changing. I'm sentimental like that ... being gay and coming out was never about me, my mind was always on everyone else.

 

Kipp...

Re-read this and think about what this says....

 

Being hated is also attention, Stigandr. So is being laughed at. A lot of people out there know the difference between positive and negative attention, and still seek out any kind of attention they can get. Some people like to start fights. Some people like to be self-righteous. Some people like to go goth, or emo or something. For these people, being hated is half the point-- or even the whole point.

And then, some people like to 'come out'. And some of these people are actually grown adults who have learned to hide their desire for attention a lot better than others, and still know deep down inside that it's juvenile and childish, but justify it by saying it's some sort of sociopolitical statement, or that it's actually doing anyone any good.

If being straight doesn't merit an announcement to friends and family, then why does being gay?

 

Hmmm, I see your point Tom - OK, it was about me but I was always thinking of others feelings most of the time.

Heywood - because very few people are presumed gay, everyone is presumed straight until proven otherwise. Wouldn't you feel more than a little annoyed if people kept telling you that you were something you aren't?

 

There is not a single person in the world other then yourself, who is going to care more about your feelings then you do Kipp.

Where does that leave you, if you put other peoples feelings ahead of your own?

You aren't responsible for the way others feel, any more then they are responsible for how you feel.

There's a lyric quote that applies here, but people already use it way too much for it to mean anything anymore, so instead...

Just be who you are, be happy with it and let others do the same.

 

Maybe you don't realize how family works. He has to live with those people.

So what you're saying is that you can't accept the fact that someone might just want to finally get it off his chest? It HAS to be for attention? Anyway, being straight doesn't require an announcement because it's generally assumed and expected, which is the very problem. We know people will judge us harshly, so we hide the truth to avoid the negative attention, until the stress of hiding it gets to be worse than just dealing with it. Then we either have to tell someone so we can finally face it, or we can continue keeping the secret and just make things worse. There is no part of that situation that is healthy, and there is no part of it that is our own fault. Maybe not everyone feels this way, but I'm not a fan of labeling every disagreeable behavior a cry for attention.

Seconded - I did this for years, and I always got shortchanged. Life sucked. I mean, it still sucks, but that's because when I started caring for myself, my family started hating me.

 

That's the problem i'm in. My Mum doesn't want to bother contemplating it until I get a boyfriend, which is such an annoyance because I don't know when i'll find a boyfriend! Furthermore she doesn't want me to use my Facebook to publicise the fact, nor does she want any of our relatives to know ... until I get a boyfriend! She basically wants me to find the perfect guy whilst still in the closet!

Worst still - after a discussion last night I've found out that she's blanking it because her priority is my sister!!! I was so annoyed, because I've given my life for my Mum and she couldn't care less what i'm going through.

That said, i'm happier that i'm angry and not miserable anymore Being annoyed that I can't be open yet is so much better than being miserable that nobody knew. And now I can find guys that I like and go dating and stuff. I'll have to be a little careful but ... as my Mum said, whilst I live in this house I abide by the rules ... even if they are unfair. Isn't any different to when I was a kid and wasn't allowed to go out and play or visit friends etc.

Thanks for all the support and advice though guys. This forum has really become a sanctuary for me with all this happening. I just feel comfortable here and happy, really happy, with what I have to look forward to in life so thankyou.

 

Just A Quick Question Kipp, About Something I May Or May Not Have Overlooked

In Your Previous Posts.

How Old Are You......Do You Have A Job.......Go To School.........Go To

University.??

Just Wondering...

If You Don't Feel Like Answering, Just Tell Me To Mind My Own

Bloody Business..............



Cheers Glen.

 

I'm 19, currently a student. The confusing thing about University is that I do go, but I commute from home. It's a bit too late in the day to be thinking about finding a room and going to live at Uni for next year, though a friend of mine has a room free the year after so I'm pretty sure she's going to let me have it After coming out to some of my Uni pals, some of them are even inviting me to go out and stay over at their places for the night

I must confess this whole experience has suddenly made me feel like doing that sort of thing. I'm usually the type of person that enjoys sitting at home or by myself, but I just feel eons more confident. I wouldn't want to go out clubbing every night or anything, and I'm completely teetotal and i've never smoked and never will, and i can't say i'd ever do something really crazy - but I feel more open

 

Bit of an epic post, surprised it's got to 4 pages actually!

 

Stígandr

Perhaps it is you that is having a problem understanding what family is about.

Family accepts you and supports you. If someone, whether related by blood or not, cannot accept you, they are not family.

As for the rest of your... thoughts...

He has to live there? No, he chooses to live there, just like he chose to come out while living there. HE made these choices... Right or wrong, he decided to make a stand for his own ideas and choice of path. Nobody else chose this for him, nobody else forced him or pushed him into coming out.

Nobody here, including heywood, suggested that he should have kept it hidden. There is a huge difference between living your life for your own sake and shoving your life in other peoples faces. He chose to make an issue out of it with his family, by telling them, now he has to face the consequences of that choice. Do you think he didn't know how his parents would react? Do you think he grew up in a box where he never met his parents? Perhaps you think that his parents have never come across the concept of someone being gay and he was taking a random shot in the dark as to how they would take it?

Kipp, You made your choices, now you must find a way to live with them. Even if that means finding a new place to live. You have put yourself in a position of extreme stress right now. Yes, it would have been nice if your family had accepted it and moved on, but can you honestly say it was a surprise to you?

You've made a stand in your life for what you see as your own happiness... Now, you can either follow that path you started on, or you can sit back and let others (whether related by blood or not), make you feel like crap about it all.

Move out, finish the process you started by 'coming out', either your family will come around or they won't, it isn't your problem.... no matter who may tell you otherwise and in what fashion....

 

I do agree in some respects Tom, and I've resigned myself to the reality that eventually there's a good chance I might just have to be a very distant son. But ... in some respects it's not as though my Mum is rejecting me. She's repeated over and over that she would never throw me out, that she loves me, and the sort. She's just finding it really hard. She's a rational woman, she is underneath. I think this situation just threw her off balance.

I guess it depends on what you want out of life. I've come out - that's what I want. Now I want my family to come to terms with it, and that's what i'll work towards. It's hard and annoying but, deep down, I love them and they love me.

 

Well, just keep in mind kipp, that like it or not, you are in their home. Just because you live there still doesn't change that fact. If you want them to deal with it in a rational manner, you have to give them the space to do that. You need to keep in mind that you have in one swoop, chosen to end pretty much every possibilty they saw for your life, (it doesnt matter if they had the right to choose your paths or not). Give them time to adjust without being confronted by it constantly.

But keep in mind, that none of it matters unless you make it matter. They will either grow to accept it, or they won't, based on their own decisions. If they choose not to, that is their problem.

Coming out, is a thing for you to be proud of, you made a decision based on your own happiness and choices, don't get hung up now on other peoples happiness and choices.

 

^^^This.

Even if nobody knows, you will always be yourself-- telling other people won't change that at all. It's very possible to be friends with someone and not know every single thing about them. Sexuality is not as big of a deal as a lot of people make it out to be.

'Coming Out' is basically a media invention exploited for its 'dramatic effect'-- the poor, defenseless homosexual standing up to the big, evil, closed-minded parents. It's a classic good vs. evil type scenario... that's why you see it on TV so much. But making it big and dramatic is part of the problem, if you ask me.

I seriously don't think my parents want to think of me as a sexual being, just like I don't care to think of them as such. They would probably be happy if they saw me dating, but if I told them I was having sex with women, they'd probably get really uncomfortable. They also don't want to catch me jerking off, or having sex with a girlfriend (though admittedly, a guy would be worse for them).

Yes, okay, sometimes it's about love... but I tend not to discuss that with them either, mostly because they'd be annoying about it, but also because they know it's none of their damn business. And they have the good taste to ask the same kinds of questions about friends as they do about love interests... just 'who are they?' kind of stuff.

I see no reasons to involve them in anything they don't have to be involved with... they're my parents, not my psychiatrists. We hang out sometimes, we do things together, we talk about stuff, but I don't involve them in things that they don't need to be involved in.

If you go about making these kinds of things other people's business, what does that say about you??? And for that matter, what does it say about your intentions? Are you in this because you actually care about someone, or because you want people to see you as 'gay'? I guess knowing 'what' you are can be pretty liberating, but at the same time, are you really a thing, or are you a person?

If you ask me, people who feel the need to come out are just crying out for attention-- no different from people who want to be 'goths' or 'punks' or 'emo' or whatever...

 

sorry posted this in the wrong one.

 

He doesn't have to live there, but while he does he has to live with those people. Maybe you'll think I'm too much an idealist, but I don't think he should have to choose between his happiness and his family. I don't disagree that he has to face the consequences of whatever choice he makes, it's just that the whole deal seems unfair.

The alternative to telling them is not telling them, which I believe is the definition of "hidden". Don't you think it's possible to admit the truth without shoving it in people's faces? If his mom is pushing him to get a girlfriend, forcing her expectations onto him, I don't see why it's offensive to "come out" in that situation by explaining why those expectations are futile. But I think we mean very different things when we refer to coming out. I mean simply admitting the truth when it seems appropriate; I suppose you're thinking of some kind of announcement with streamers and strippers jumping out of cakes.

I really don't have any other arguments with you, partly because you're one of those people who defines a word differently so you can argue over it, which is pointless to pursue, but partly because I can't really disagree with your conclusion.

Okay, coming out for dramatic effect is pretty silly - exactly the kind of thing you'd expect in a TV drama, where conflict is great for ratings. Those of us who live in the real world (not everyone, I realize) know that conflict is just troublesome and might be expected to come out in a more graceful way, and for very different reasons.

Have you considered the other possibility, namely that keeping such a huge secret is emotionally taxing, and that releasing that burden might be a necessary, though frightening, prospect? I don't doubt that some people want attention, but you might consider that some are more interested honesty, both with themselves and with the people they care about.