The 'Failed' coming out

I haven't a clue if this has happened to anyone on the face of the earth, I certainly hope it has! Anyway, this has bothered me for a while and i'd really appreciate some advice on this.

I came out to my parents a while ago as bi. They were ... hmm ... Ok with it, obviously not enthusiastic, but certainly not rejecting. Anyway, once I said it I panicked. My sister went very quiet on me, and has since been in a strange kind of on off depression. Anyway, It became so odd for me to be 'out' - and given my parents sort of brushed it off as a phase or inexperience or perhaps my lack of a girlfriend - that the next day I said it wasn't true and it didn't feel like me. At the time, I genuinly didn't feel bi after i'd said I was or anything (I now think I might as well speak of myself as simply gay so that complicates it ).

So since this, my parents have gone back to speaking about girlfriends, "Your kids will be like this" - that type of thing. I've tried to be obvious by replying with things like "I'll find SOMEONE when i'm ready" etc. Anyway, so I fluffed my coming out entirely.

A few questions and i'm also in need of some advice about it.

First - do you think that first coming out will plant any uncertainty or questions in their mind over my sexuality? If it does, that'll be a major help in the future.

Second - how long should I wait till I properly come out to them? Given my sister went rather weird and has been ever since, I wouldn't know what to do about it.

It's just very confusing. I think I might come out to a friend instead so I can at least know that someone knows me ... advice ? Thanks.

 

hey, if you want to meet me in the chat, we can pm each other, itll be easyer and faster and ill beable to stay focused on the topic


if not, ill try to keep up wiht you hear ^.^ ill be on that chat if you want me!

 

Sure, let me figure this forum out

 

woops, didnt notice that was you on the chat lol, sorry

 

Right, I'm going to come out to someone I know personally She's bi, and I'm sure she probably knows. She once asked me if I was gay and I really bluntly said 'no' - and her first response was not to be so defensive. Hopefully she'll remember!

 

Kipp, in the end people go on instinct.

Coming out?, If you have to go around telling people that you are whatever, then unless they see evidence, in this case like a boyfriend, they are just going to think you are having to talk yourself into it

 

Gah, I was so close today to clarifying my position but my ridiculous sister and her 'issues' got in the way. I was feeling rubbish all day, and when I happened to find myself in a situation where I was sure my Mum and Sister knew I was talking about coming out. Then my sis got argumentetive all afternoon and it seems like the wrong time

Then I have this commitment to the cause problem. At times I think coming out is important, because it is for me - I can't see myself suddenly becoming straight - but at certain times it's almost as though coming out isn't at all important. Coming so close and then ... ahh, yet so far

 

-huggles- youll get it out if you need to, and if not, its realy know ones buissness, but if you wana pm me or getme on yim or pming on the hipchat, then i have a few ideas for you!

 

My ex never really came out - his mom walked in on him a couple times with his previous boyfriend, but she must have just thought it was a phase. I guess people sometimes just refuse to accept what they don't like.

But really, just come out. Next time it comes up, just say it instead of talking around the issue. It doesn't sound like your parents are going to freak out or anything, so why not? The only thing that's kept me from coming out is that my parents are fundamentalist Christians, who will absolutely go batshit, and I likely won't have a place to stay after that. What's your excuse?

Anyway, maybe you should talk to your sister privately first. I figure talking to her would be easier than parents, and if you can make her feel comfortable with it, that might help you.

A friend always makes things easier. I had a bi ex-girlfriend I could trust when I was first resolving my own sexual identity, and being able to tell a few people like that is the one thing that's kept me from going completely mad.

 

It happened People know! I told my best friend, and apparently the guy I really like at school is probably gay too, so can't wait to come out to him later My Mum came in this morning and asked how I knew I was a "homo" (Hate that word!) ,I said I just knew, and she seemed fine. She's obviously dissapointed, and she doesn't think alot of what gay people do is right, but I think she'll make an effort to understand it's who I am. We're going to keep it private and low key for a while, because my sister's got alot of other problems right now, I think it's genuinly unfair to plant this on her.

So i'm out ... and i'm also in, which is fine with me! At least people know, but it's not going to be a big deal. But the friend I told last night was amazing, so lucky to know her. She made it easier than 1+1.

Thanks for all your advice guys, I feel great right now.

 

.......:cheers2:...................arty:.



Cheers Glen.

 

Ty Though now I have the whole love-bug problem, gargh! I came out to a really good friend of mine who I've always had a crush on and genuinly think is gay ... but ... it's complicated.

 

Excellent! It's good to hear that everybody is fairly okay with it. I hope things work out well with your friend.

She wants to know if you've had gay sex. This is the normal question people use to find out.

And I hate that word too.

 

on the topic of hating words, i only hate it when its used as an insalt or something, like some one says thats gay, bugs me :/

 

I've never understood people who feel the need to 'come out'. To me it seems like they just want attention. Who you want to fuck/date/whatever is nobody's business but your own... why broadcast it?

 

I agree in some respects Heywood. I hate the fact that being gay has to be such a big deal, but that's a problem caused by society in general. If people accepted homosexuality as a normal course of life, nobody would have to come out. Afterall, you don't have to come out as straight - and straight people do as they please.

It's harder as a gay - if you find the guy of your dreams you can hardly present him to friends and family without their being interested, curious, shocked - even horrified. It's the extent to which being gay has been defined as a 'closet' .. broadcasting it really is smashing down all those stereotypes and ridiculous notions that being gay isn't normal.

Trust me - i've told my Mum, I don't want people to make a big deal about my being gay. I just want people to know so that they aren't horrified or shocked or anything more disturbing when I start bringing guys to meet them. Plus, it's really hard to actually get dates with gay people if you haven't a clue that they're gay We're a minority and all.

 

Okay, now this is getting annoying and i'm actually really angry about it in a way.

My sister's still uncomfortable with it, but it's such a hypocritcal notion on her behalf. She has a gay friend at school, and she's expressed numerous times that she likes gay comedian Stephen Fry. Yet, as soon as someone in the house discusses me being gay, she starts getting detatched, crazy even, starts welling up with tears. Then my Mum says "She can't handle it" and abruptly stops talking about it. It's getting to the point where I don't think they'll be able to process it and accept it properly if they're too busy worrying about my sister - and it's so unfair that I've had to come to terms with this and it's my sister who randomly goes all quiet and weird about it that's preventing the healing and understanding process.

I hate it so much.

 

You need to talk to her one on one and ask her what her problem with it is and address the issue now before it grows, regardless of what your sisters issues are. You should probably make her aware of the fact that you've always been the way you are, the only difference now is that she knows you're gay and definately don't hold back at talking just because you think it might upset her. If you've been struggling for a long time to come to terms with your sexuality (I know I did), then the last thing you need is her making it harder for you.

Hang in there! Remember, don't ignore the problem, it'll just grow.

 

The problem is my Mum won't let me discuss it ... and I feel like i'd just be making it worse by going against her will. She's asked my sister what her problem is, and she doesn't really know. The only thing she worries about is that she might be a lesbian, which she's already confirmed she isn't (I wouldn't say it is a question that she is, she's straight, no doubt). She treats me really nicely all the time now, except when someone talks about my being gay she goes into that bad place and I really hate her for it.

The problem is that my Mum isn't exactely handling it superbly, she has to come to terms with it herself. It's really unfair for her that she has to handle it with my sister crying at every juncture. Which is why I just wish she'd speak to one of her sisters because my aunts have had more experience around gay people - as have two of my cousins. They'd give her so much support that she's denying herself. I've already decided that if, in maybe a month or two, the attitudes of my Mum and Sister persist, i'll go and speak to one of my cousins myself.

The annoying thing is i'm happy for myself, they simply aren't.

Thanks though I might talk about it to her sometime. Kinda hard to though.

 

Congratulation Kipp, I had a few friends that came out to their parents back in high school and it ended horribly for them. They were kicked out and had to relay on a friend for a place to stay while they decided what they were going to do. So hearing that your parents are fairly ok with your sexuality is awesome well not awesome awesome but from the sounds of it seems like your mom at least will try to find some understanding. Hope your mom will come to terms soon than later tho, it's nice to be able to share things with family.

Wel best wishes bro, and congo-rats again on a successful outing.